Mama's Midlife Mire: love & marriage - yikes

For Caty and anyone else who wonders - My Marriage Story - or part of it, anyhow

Mon, 05 May 2008 07:03:22 GMT

Alright, I think I know how to do this now - thanks to everyone who sent me helpful messages!

Please go to blog entry: http://mamasmidlifemire.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!79311507CCFC123C!689.entry

Feel free to ask questions if you need more.... that doesn't mean I'll answer them all, but hey, feel free to ask!!

Just wondering.....

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 14:53:31 GMT

At my mom's the other day, I read this little zinger in one of her magazines..... "Retirement. Twice the husband, half the pay." Suddenly, I know how that feels! I wonder how I'll survive, lol! Alan's only been home two days now, and he's already trying to tell me how to do the stuff that - guess what!! - I'm already doing. Urgh. He better find a job soon! hee hee hee

Taking my turn at "Dork*ship"

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 18:59:12 GMT

I may be in serious trouble here.... over a year ago (okay, waaay over a year ago, probably) I started seeing a Chiropractor. He's very different from other Chiro's I've been to - he's totally into brain stem health and such, sort of a specialty that very few doctors are into. He has helped me immensely in the few visits I've had; however, I need a lot more help. My neck curvature is completely wrong - it goes the opposite direction from where it's supposed to. Lately at night I am waking up with my arms asleep because something is pinching in there... so I decided I better get back in. Here's the trouble - I paid for a year's worth of visits up front because I got a really good discount that way, and I knew I'd need it. Well, he has very funky hours - a few here, a few there, they change periodically.... He is also pretty far away from where I live, and none of his hours coincided with my going into town to take Kiki to the co-op or anything else. All that to say, I haven't been in much. Alan has asked me regularly to go in...after all, we paid for it and it's stupid not to. I totally agree. My life has overwhelmed me, though, so I haven't made the time. I found this Chiropractor because he used to go to our church. Well, so I know several people who go to him....lately, there has been some talk - he's left his wife, he's moved his office.... some gals quit going because they were upset about it. But hey, I paid up front so I need to go! My sister goes to him still...she, too, paid some up front. Well, today I pulled out his number to set up some appointments. Just as I am about to do so, Alan calls. He tells me that his accountability partner (they have coffee together once a week) told him that it would seem this Dr. has "gone off the deep end." (it's one of those "I'm really good friends of a really good friend of a really good friend of his" sort of deals....) Not gossiping ~ just that my hubby's friend knows I've paid but not gone in much - because, I am sure, Alan has complained to him about it! Rightfully so, I admit. Anyway, Alan tells me to get in right away, because for all we know he is going to just up and disappear with my money. So, guess what? I bet you see this coming - I call his number, and it's been disconnected. I call his cell# - disconnected. I look up his website - can't find it. Now, my sister was just in there a week ago, but she's out of town... so I call another friend who I know goes to him, and she gives me the number she has reached him at his new office - same disconnected #'s that I have. Ohhh crap. Now, she did say that he was only in an "interim" office and that she knew he was moving to his permanent new one real soon, so maybe he's in between. Or maybe I'm up the proverbial creek without a paddle. Or when Alan finds out, without a boat. Yeah, 'cause I'll be swimming in that nasty ol' river of you-know-what.

Now I am sick to my stomach. I had better be able to find him!!

Thanks...I knew it!

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 18:09:57 GMT

I suspected all along that my husband is a dork.... I am glad that it is natural and can't really be helped. Kinda like me being scatterbrained....good thing we just love each other anyway, huh?

A little help, please?! I'm taking a survey.

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 04:58:17 GMT

Alright - I held my tongue at home, but I have to holler somewhere!! Uh, well, yeah, I am still at home...you know what I mean!! Get off my back, lol. I have to know - am I the issue, or is it my husband's refusal to take responsibility that is the problem....

Tonight, we were all watching 'Mary Poppins' when Alan gets up and goes in to clean up the kitchen. I have no idea what motivated him to do it, but it's a good thing, yes? Suddenly, I hear a horrible racket, and I recognize it... something - probably silverware - is in the garbage disposal and Alan has turned it on. That happens sometimes, right? It stops. Then starts again. What the..???? I yell "what's going on out there?" and he yells something to the effect of "I think something's in the disposer" (at which point I almost snap back "well, no sh** Sherlock" but I gave up that language after the kid was born....well, mostly - some of you know of my infamous 'f-bomb' drop in front of her which is my great shame) Anyhow, I'm thinking well, at least he's figured it out, but then "grrrzzzllllzzlllthunkitythunkity...." HUH??!! So I go out in the kitchen and I'm like "what is going on out here?!"

He says "somebody put something in the disposer."

Me: Nobody put it in there! Sometimes stuff slides down - didn't you check?

Him: Why would I check? I never put stuff in there.

Me: [groan] Yeah, but stuff falls in there! I always check. Don't you check? (I didn't mention "especially after the first two times???" )

Him: I've never had that happen to me. Nothing is ever in there.

At this point I'm thinking Never??! In all of your 44 years of life you've never, ever known anything to have fallen in the disposer??? LIAR! Because I know for a fact that in the 23+ years of our married life, more than one item has gotten mangled, and if he didn't do it, I know I at least told him how I did it....

So, I'm taking a poll ~

What do you think? Am I the only person in the whole wide world who has actually ever had something mysteriously fall down into the garbage disposal (enough times that I am in the habit of reaching down there to check before I ever turn it on)? Or is my husband just unwilling to take the blame for being a doofus?? Let me know!

Of course, not was it just a regular old kitchen spoon...no; I just, finally, after years of mis-matched sets, bought a really cool set of measuring spoons. I got them in Seattle near Pikes Market at a really nice kitchen store...I was so excited! They have this cool green lucite piece set into the handle....sigh

How it's supposed to look:

See anything different??

Can you see how nice and chunked up it is next to it's smooth and lovely partner?

Someday, when I discover WHO PUT ITin there, boy, will they ever be in big trouble!!

Husband for Sale - or burial

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 16:07:54 GMT

Me, to Alan ~ "You have got to be kidding!!" (and if looks could kill, yeah, I'd be digging a hole in the back yard) His reply ~ "Why?" So, I am desperately trying to get the house clean before tomorrow a.m. when the appraiser comes (Yes, I realize it's an issue that I'm online rather than working!! Well, I can't work if my head blows up, right?? This needs out.) So anyhow, I've been doing laundry like there's no tomorrow - 'cause in a way, there isn't - and finally last night, I broke down.... I went out into the garage, pulled in the gigantic storage bins we bought to tidy up the garage, and I've just started filling 'em. 45 gallon totes, and so far I have 3 that are full of nothing but dirty laundry. (Okay, so I have issues. I actually enjoy washing the laundry, but I'm anal about it - another one of my 'perfectionism' flaws. I only use the dryer for towels and undergarments...everything else is hung to dry. But when it's only 65 degrees in the house, it takes forever for the laundry to dry...days... so it really piles up...yeah, I know, I'm a freak.) This morning I got up extra early and started in. He kept telling me to call my mom - "she'll help you clean." No freaking way! Does he think I'm my sister?? (that's a whole other issue, don't get me started or I'll be here all day!! She'd call my mom crying and mom would go right over... I refuse, do you hear me!! At 46 I shouldn't need my 'mommy' to come clean my house because I'm too lame to do it myself!!) So here is what went down... I'm stuffing stuff, and he asks "Would you mind washing this load for me?" "Uh, yeah, I would... you are joking, right? Ha ha ha. Funny man." But, no. He's totally serious. "I'm going to need those jeans for tomorrow. It's not a big deal, right? Geez." Is he a moron??!! Or just a man with a death wish? Or just a man??

Okay, I'm better now. Back to it!

Yay!! The 'Marriage Class' is over!!

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 18:59:52 GMT

Finally! That sounds awful, doesn't it? It was just a whole lot of work. Kind of like marriage, no? To be honest, the class had value. There was a lot of information that made sense, although it wasn't anything we didn't really know. Sort of like dieting... I mean, it's not like I don't know that if I want to lose weight I should eat less and move more. Duh. It's the same with marriage, really... I need to fulfill my spouse's needs, (especially if I don't want someone else to!) to be aware of his 'love languages' and learn to speak them, to be less selfish and more giving... I think most of us know these things. However, just as it is hard to "eat less and move more" when I am addicted to food and trying to use it to fill my empty spaces, it is hard to be the wife God intended me to be when I am hurt, or angry, or tired, or I feel like I deserve something better, or whatever....when we feel like "I'd do my part if my spouse would do his". Guess what? Have you ever read anywhere in the Bible that you are called to be who God wants you to be when those around you deserve it ??? I haven't read that part. "Christ died for us while we were yet sinners." I think I have read that.

I have spent a good deal of my marriage - ever since my husband's affair - feeling like I didn't have to really do my part because he owed me. And while that may be true, you know what? It hasn't helped my marriage. Huh - Who knew??!! I may be tired...tired of being depressed, tired of living a life of mediocrity, tired of a marriage that feels so often like a 'roommate' sort of situation, just plain physically tired. Well, "so what" to me! It's time to change. I think the biggest value in the class was that we were forced to sit down for at least a while each night and really talk about US. Not "did you pay that bill" or "do you know what the kids did today" but about US. We made a commitment last night to continue that. We both want to rise up above our mediocre life and dull marriage and be "all that we can be". No, I don't mean we're joining the army! God's army, I guess...marching against selfishness and lack of trying, lol.

Of course, I've wanted to do this before. I've wanted to lose weight before! Change is never easy. It's so much easier to stay where I am, even if I'm dying here. Staying generally doesn't take effort. Just hanging out, waiting for the end.... So, we are going to try. So the end will be something more to look forward to than just the 'end of what is'. So we can enjoy the trip along the way. I'll admit, I'm scared. Because it hasn't worked before. We try to crawl out of our hole and end up slipping back down. However, I have also read "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"....I will use that for my footholds when the going gets slippery.

Explaining the Marriage Class (in a rather rambling sort of way!)

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 19:45:48 GMT

Alright, I promised I would talk about this, didn't I? Hmmm, where to start... first you have to realize I was sick...feeling crummy and being in a foul mood already probably didn't help my outook on that day! Second, you know, I'm sure, that this blog is my venting spot... lots of times I spew out on the page, then I feel better. So you all get to read the spew. Sorry. But it's how it works for me. Like it or leave it, I guess!! But, here's the deal - the book is titled "His Needs, Her Needs" - all fine and well, but then it is subtitled "Building an Affair-Proof Marriage". Okay, also fine but it'd been nice if we'd found this book about a decade ago, eh?? Seriously, it's good stuff, sound advice... I think everyone should have to read this about 2-3 years into their marriage - after the honeymoon "gloss" is over, but before (hopefully) anything serious has gone wrong... So, here's where the book got on my nerves, so to speak - the very first chapter goes into why so many people face affairs (and divorces, etc.) in their marriages, how we aren't fulfilling basic emotional needs of our spouses. What bothered me was that it seemed like he was almost saying the cheating spouse couldn't "help" it, that the lack they felt in their marriage forced them into, well, other arrangements. Maybe it's his (the author, that is) plan to be a "scare tactic" so we try harder, but you know, after the fact, I don't need to be told it was all my fault! Which is a big pile of you-know-what, because I don't care if you have the lousiest spouse on the planet you are never justified in having an affair. Period. Per-EE-od. So. In re-reading (in a different frame of mind) he does touch on that. But it hit a raw nerve, I guess. I thought the author must be a big ol' jerk and how in the world was this class going to help my marriage...!!!! If you've come to the conclusion that I (and my marriage) obviously need some help, you're totally right! Why the heck do you think we're taking this class in the first place?! Last night was our 'First Session'. Alan and I did our homework all week like good little students. It did bring up some stuff we need to work on, and maybe it will help after all. I know (and Alan would agree) that we've actually 'stuffed' a lot of things that we "say" we've dealt with. And we need to actually deal with it for good. But it's like ripping open an old wound that's healed over because you discover there is still infection below the surface.... necessary for the ultimate healing, but incredibly painful in the process. I have a feeling this is going to be a rough 8 weeks. And you all may be reading some serious spewing..... please, just put up with me. Pray for me. Alan and I are both tired of having a crappy marriage...we don't fight much, but it's because we've withdrawn into our own corners. We're fairly decent roommates, somedays... We want so much more than that! Several times in the Bible, Jesus talks about how He is the groom and the church is the bride...so our marriages are supposed to be reflections of that relationship. Ouch. As a Christian couple, we've been doing a pretty lousy job of it.

Well, there ya go. I am feeling a bit better about the class at this point. I'm sure that will fluctuate on a regular basis!! I'll keep you all updated on how it's going. But I didn't want to just leave you wondering!

My dear, long-suffering husband

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 23:27:13 GMT

Sure, I use this blog to gripe about my spouse....it's my venting spot, and I use it frequently! The deal is this - if I gripe about him here, then I get it out of my system and - hopefully - I can be nicer to him in person because of it! Sometimes, after I post and then re-read it, I can see a different perspective on the current dilemma - or, I can get a hint or two from you who leave comments, and it's helpful. He's not really as bad as I make him sound here! But, hey, if you are (or have ever been) married, you know you can drive each other absolutely crazy and you have to holler some place! I figure better here than in his face, or in front of our daughter.

Today, I am feeling a little sorry for him.

The man likes living in a clean house. You can't fault him for that. I wish I had a wife who'd clean up this pig-sty!! Since this week is Spring Break, I decided (as the only wife here, albeit a slacker one) that I'd get the house pulled together. Guess what I spent the entire day doing today? Reorganizing the linen closet. The fact that it took me an entire day gives you a clue what a disaster it began as. Now, there is a madness to my method - no, I mean a method to my madness...well, probably the first is more accurate....anyhow.... I had a whole laundry basket full of clean towels and sheets, a giant pile of blankets, not to mention Kiki has been sleeping for a week without a pillow case, because I couldn't find one....so, I figured, in order to put the laundry away, there had to be a place to put it - right?? Poor Alan. When he walked in the door tonight, the house looked every bit as bad as it did when he left this morning. Probably worse, because my little tornado (aka Kiki) wasn't properly restrained while I was "in the closet". To his benefit, he said nothing. I showed him the neat and tidy little closet, and he said "good job". We'll see how long before he decides strangling me really is the best way to a clean home.

Husbands.....AAAArrrrgggghhhhhh!!

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 22:02:35 GMT

I love my husband. I do...keep telling yourself that..... I do, I do..... Have you ever heard "Love is a choice, not a feeling"? 'Cause right now, I am not feeling it!! Why is it, if we both have a different view or memory of how something happened, he's the one who is right. It couldn't be me, of course.... We've been having this discussion, we need to drive up to Seattle to pick up some restaurant equipment, and the actual time of this trip has been tossed around a bit. I specifically remember saying I did not want to go this weekend because I have -, -, and - going on. He specifically remembers saying it's the only weekend that will work. Why? Why will it work - for him, not for me, but somehow that doesn't matter?? We had also discussed upcoming weekends, and pros and cons of some, but I don't remember that we ever said THIS IS THE ONLY WEEKEND WE CAN GO, SO WE HAVE TO DO IT NOW. However, this is how he remembers it, therefore it is the way it happened. End of story. I am willing to say "gosh, I don't remember that being said, but maybe" but he is always sure. Growl. So I am at the fabric store with my mom, trying to find a pattern for an Easter dress for Kiki, and he calls and asks if I want to leave right after his meeting in the morning, or we can go later in the afternoon. I'm like "wha....???" I'll admit, I am also absolutely horrid at multi-tasking. My brain was in "sew" gear, and it doesn't jump quick to "trip" gear... I said I'd call him back, and aparently that was a personal insult to him. When I did call back later, he was all ticked off, like "I thought you'd be excited about taking a trip"....yeah, sure, but give me a sec to collect my thoughts, eh? Now he won't decide when to go - it's all up to me (I mean, a.m. or p.m., I guess he's going this weekend with or without me.....another growl.....) I got so dang mad at him over the phone, I hung up on him! I haven't done that in....years. Honestly. I'm not sure why I'm so mad....Because he says we have to go, but then it's my responsibility to figure out when?? Because he treats me like I'm the only one who might possibly forget exactly how a conversation went?? Because his events and schedules are important, and mine count for nothing?? Crap. I know I have to call him back and apologize for hanging up on him. Crap-a-doodle-doo. Then I have 87 more phone calls to make arrangements for the lessons we are going to miss, events we won't be attending....do laundry....pack.....make pet care arrangements....he doesn't have to do any of that..... .grrrrrrr. breathe....just breathe.....