Mama's Midlife Mire: The Real Me

2 Years of Blogging!!

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 18:29:50 GMT

Can you believe it??!! I actually started this blog in 2006 the week Kiki was doing Theatre Camp! The date was the 21st of July. This will be her 3rd year of Theatre Camp; this year they are doing "Sleeping Beauty the Rock Musical". Don't ask - I don't know!

But enough about her!! This is all about me, me, me!! Blogging for 2 whole years! I can't believe people are still reading my blog.... 'cause my life is pretty much the same, lol. I'd love to look back and say "Wow, I've come so far in the past two years!" but, uh, not so much.

Oh, well! At least I've been hanging in there, no? Well, here's to another year!!

Thinking.....

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 22:31:52 GMT

Alright, people.... I've been thinking about creating a whole different blog for losing weight. Because that would help somehow?? Hmmm. As if. No, because I didn't want this blog to be all about that one topic. But then I was thinking... I hate when people leave here. Am I able to keep up 2 separate blogs? Is it because I want fame and glory and think some other blog site will be more popular? (since some have left LiveSpaces stating that enough people can't comment here, not to mention some blog sites just create cooler looking pages somehow!) But then I've been thinking, well, I blog about everything else here, so could I add that one more dimension without it becoming just a weight-loss blog? Not that in itself that is a bad thing, it's just not why I created this blog.... but, is weight-loss an all or nothing deal in the blog world? Am I not a multi-dimensional person, with my fatness being just one part of me? (much too big a part, sure, but you know what I mean) I've been pretty blunt and honest about other very personal parts of my life, so I'm not sure why I am so secretive about this fat-thing. I'm afraid, maybe, of what you'd really think if you knew. Knew how I looked. Knew how I ate. Wouldn't understand why I do what I do... but I am getting sooo very tired of living how I am. It has to stop. I have to stop. Or maybe I have to start. Anyway, that's what is rolling around in my head this afternoon. I'm getting a headache!

Loss and Grieving ~ Dealing with it

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 19:27:27 GMT

God and I have been talking, and He has been showing me that I have never fully grieved the things I've lost. The strange thing about loss is that is isn't very cut and dried... that is to say, you can't just say "This thing happened." Because I have been finding that every loss is a whole bunch of little losses as well. Take my marital issues. In the end, I didn't lose my husband, I didn't lose my marriage. But it's not like it is all okay because of that - I lost other things; such as security, trust, even innocence in a way.....Now, I have dealt with most of that; I'm just using it as an example. If you lose a loved one, it's not simple either. So much is wrapped up in it! I was thinking just a few days ago, after my surviving sister really annoyed me with some behaviour, how badly I missed my little sister because she was the perfect 'venting partner' about my older sister!! I suppose that's a terrible reason to miss someone, but, shoot - I could gripe and gripe to R. about L. and she totally "got it", but also got how much I loved L. and she understood that L.was a great person, she'd just pissed me off at that particular moment!

The hardest, of course, is to get over losing the things you can never replace. I mean, you could lose a boyfriend and be devastated, but then you get a new love and it sort of fills in the wound.... but you can't replace a child, no matter how many you have ... Some things,of course ,are not as great as the loss of a person, but it's hard and needs to be grieved ,nonetheless. I feel like I lost my entire decade of being 'thirtysomething'. Because the marital trauma began then, and so much snowballed.... and here I am in my mid-forties. I feel like I missed the age when I should have been young enough to look good and feel good and have fun but old enough to be reasonable!! Then I piled on so much weight that my 40's have not been as they should have. I'm not trying to whine or place any blame; just trying to make some sense.

I've grieved over losing my horses, but that is something I can get back. So it's easier.

The other day I was talking to God in the shower. I do that a lot! As the stay-at-home mom of a homeschooled 'chatty-cathy' it is the one place I can usually have peace and quiet, lol. I was asking Him why it has been so very hard for me to deal with my weight. I've only been really overweight the last dozen years - before that, if Igained a bit I would eventually get it back off.... but now! - I mean, even when I try to drop some pounds it doesn't seem to work. And I think I have a sugar addiction - serioiusly. I was thinking "I am carrying around the weight of an entire other person - it's tiring." And you know what the Lord told me? "Yes you are... it's R. All the guilt and shame you are carrying around because you 'weren't a good enough sister' and the grieving you haven't done over that...it's time for you to let her go." Wow. The grief is deep because she is gone and I can never 'fix' the mistakes I feel I made. But I guess if I ever want to tie my shoelaces and breathe at the same time then it's time to make my peace with it.

I'm not sure what that looks like, or exactly how to do that. I guess the Lord will have to keep holding my hand as I walk it out. The other day, though, I wrote a little prose, about my sister, sort of.... I'll come back to post it later - right now, I need to take Kiki to her choir-drama class.

New research shows A.D.D. may be harmful to your hair

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 01:35:04 GMT

When I was a child, I had blonde hair. The older I got, the darker it got. This didn't really bother me until I was about 20, when my hair hit a color somewhere between "dishwater blonde" and "mousy brown". This was when I began coloring my hair. At first I just flat-out bleached it.... hey, a Cali girl should have light locks, right?? After a while, this got tiresome.... with each application my hair got lighter and lighter which made my roots look darker and darker. I 'discovered' "Clair*l nice'n easy hairpainting". After a couple 'trial and error' applications, it began looking pretty good. It is nice 'n easy, after all!! It looked so good, in fact, that I've had women come up to me to find out who does my hair because it's "just how" they want it done. I'm not patting myself on the back (are you kidding? my fat little arms can't reach around that far) it's just fact, and you need to know it to understand the problem here! I actually like the mix of 2 shades of brown (natural) blonde (the highlights) and plenty of shiny silver mixed in (uh, yeah, that's natural, too) I've even had stylists cutting my hair compliment me on how nice it looks. The icing on this cake is that one box of the stuff costs $11.00, and I mix it up half at a time, so it only costs me $5.50 to color my hair! Can you beat that??

Yesterday, I decided it was time for a touch-up. I got the product on my hair and was going to wait the 15 - 20 minutes I always wait before washing it out. My fatal mistake was to leave the bathroom. Generally I take a book or magazine and just "hang out" until shower time. I guess a weekend alone made me waaaay too relaxed. I went out and got involved in...something.... I don't even remember. Then the whole A.D.D.-one-thing-leads-to-another-until-you-don't-even-know-where-you-started deal kicked in.... about 45 minutes or so later I suddenly thought "oh, cuh-rap!!!" NO one is going to ask me who does my hair this time around! They will know I am too cheap to pay for it and will sadly shake their heads at the sight.

Yuck. Could it be any yellower??! Shed a few tears for me, alright?

My New Favorite Song

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 22:09:31 GMT

If you have a moment, check out my YouTube clip... I love this new song!! Honestly, it's my life's "theme song". In ways I can't even fully explain right now... but I will ~ one day. It's by Matthew West... now, if I could figure out how to just have the music streaming on here instead of in a YouTube video... but that would take research and effort, wouldn't it?! I'm so not in the mood for thinking! Ha. You can see my favorite line in my 'tagline' area.... it just really struck a chord in me ~ "a beautiful mess" ~ oh, yeah, that is me!! Glad Jesus can see beyond that!

The Shame of it All

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 23:06:42 GMT

We are trying to get a home-equity line of credit. Just in case Alan doesn't find a job quickly, and the house doesn't sell right away - it's our "fallback" option. Some way to pay our bills and not get into foreclosure or anything. Sure, we hope not to have to use it - but just to have it there, in case. Which brings me to the shame.... we'll need an appraisal. He'll want to come next week. Today I have been cleaning my closet. I have been slapped in the face with two serious realizations: (not like I didn't already know, but when it hits you between the eyes like this!) 1) I gave a couple old sweatshirts of mine to Kiki. She's 10... they used to fit me. As an adult. How did I let this happen to me??!! (and why are they still in my closet?? which brings us to) 2) I am an enormous slob. (more ways than one) My closet is a disaster area of epic proportions. Don't think for a moment that I am exaggerating! I could take pictures to prove it...but that would add to my shame, wouldn't it? I am humiliated. I am ashamed to call myself me. sigh

"Two Things About Me" Tag....

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 16:47:41 GMT

I "borrowed" (stole??) this from Guinevere's space.....she said anyone who wanted to could do it...so I guess it's not really stealing! My brain is too tired to come up with much on it's own today.....

Two Names You Go By:

mama

hon

Things You Are Wearing Right Now:

blue fleece pants- comfy!

U of Michigan sweatshirt (my b-i-l was a professor there for awhile - he's at another U now)

Two things you want (or have) in a relationship:

Honesty!!

Fun

Two of Your Favorite Things to do:

horseback ride

paint/craft

Two things you did last night:

drove down (slid down??) the ski hill

watched a movie with my family

Two people you Last Talked To:

Alan (the husband!)

Kiki (2 seconds ago...me - "can I have a moment, please?")

Two Things You're doing tomorrow:

church

monthly extended family dinner

Two Longest Car Rides:

Southern California to Montana

one side of Kansas to the other side of Missouri (may not have really been that long, but with a fellow student and two professors all night long in a freezing air conditioned car when I could have been - should have been - sleeping... seemed like a million miles!)

Two Favorite Drinks:

coffee (my addiction!)

Diet Coke

Two Things About Me you may not have known:

I wished I'd finished college (I was majoring in Equine Industries)

I ran away from home once - got as far as the backyard tree! (I was up there a long time, tho!)

Two jobs I have had in my life:

Chalkboard Sign Artist

worked in a dairy

Two Movies I would watch over and over:

Truly, Madly, Deeply

uhmm...gosh, there are a lot, actually....

Two of my favorite foods:

ice cream

scones

(sure, there's some "real" food I like, but...)

Two places I'd rather be right now:

The coast (sunny and warm, or even Oregon coast...just watching the waters)

Out to eat....or IKEA...or maybe back in bed....

I tag whoever wants to do it!

Check out my YouTube video -

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 03:31:50 GMT

So I feel like I have to explain about this.... have you ever heard of the "Flight of the Conchords"? They're a band...sort of... music group...two guys.... hilarious... but, it's one of those things, that you either "get" and you'll wet your pants laughing, or you "don't get" and you'll go "What the...??? How is that funny?" It's that kind of humor. Well, this ad is based on their work. Written and produced by a British guy I know, who owns an ad agency. He's also in the praise band at our church, as is one of the guys in this ad - for a local coffee bar.

I was thinking....

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 10:15:56 GMT

...does that surprise you?? lol. I do, occasionally. I was thinking about my childhood. I was thinking about how stuff can really mess us up in this life, no matter how hard our parents try, or what actually happened. How so much of how we are formed is what we think or feel about what happened, however benign it might have been. Like, when I was little, I would tell my mom "I hate myself!" I'm sure something just awful had happened, like my drawing didn't come out how I'd wanted.... my mom would tell me "well, if you don't like yourself, no one else will". As an adult now, I know she was saying I needed to love myself...she was trying to help... but she sure didn't give me the tools to do it! Somehow, she didn't talk "my language". I also remember saying "I'm bored." Okay, probably whining it! Any of you who are parents have probably heard that a million times, right? Well, what my mom tried to say to me was "You're a smart kid - think of something to do!" However - what she actually said was "Smart people don't get bored." What do you suppose that meant to me?? Well, I am bored, so I guess I'm stupid, too.... This didn't help me! Some of it must have been my makeup from the get-go... my older sister remembers mom saying the 'bored' thing, but she took it the way it was intended, somehow, but I didn't get that. Kiki loves for me to tell her stories about when I "was little". I am the middle child, so of course, I was deprived. lol. You know, not the amazing firstborn, nor the wonderful baby of the family... just the one in the middle. So I have issues. I suppose that being abandoned at a campsite when I was 5 didn't help. That sounds awful, doesn't it? It wasn't on purpose - the problem was, I believed it was on purpose. It happened like this: We were camping with our friends, and our campsites were within walking distance but out of sight of each other. The day we were pulling out, I wandered over to our friend's campsite. They told me they were just about packed up and I'd better head back to my parents. Well, somehow my parents thought that I was going to be riding with our friends. By the time I got back to our campsite, my family was gone. I ran back to the friends' campsite - too late, they were gone too! I ran out to the main campground road, and I saw my parents' car. I ran as fast as my little 5 year old legs would go, and I almost caught up with them...which was actually bad, because we had a trailer, and even though I was so close I could almost touch it, that meant there was no way my dad could see me in the mirrors. I don't actually remember if I called out to them, but geez, I was running so hard that if I did I'm sure it couldn't have been very loud. So they couldn't see me, they couldn't hear me. But I was five. I thought they had to have seen me, and they left on purpose. They didn't want me. I sat in the middle of the road and just cried. I don't know how long I was there. Eventually, another camper drove by, and told me to get in his car and he'd take me to the ranger station. So I did. I don't really know why I got into a stranger's car... I knew I wasn't supposed to. I'm not sure if it didn't register, or if I just figured it didn't matter anymore, or what. I do know that I always felt a certain comraderie with other campers, so maybe I just thought he was trustworthy... at any rate, he was, so there I was in the ranger station. I remember they gave me a coloring book and crayons, and I was just coloring and crying, and crying and coloring, all at the same time. No one remembers exactly how much time passed, but as my family was driving along behind the other family, my mom began to wonder if I was really in the other car. She kept looking for my little blonde head (all the other kids had brown hair) and finally she pursuaded my dad to pull over because she hadn't seen me. So, dad pulls over, honking and flashing his headlights to catch our friends' attention. (remember, this is before the days of cell phones!) We all pull over, and guess what? No Ann. I guess about now my mom gets hysterical, and they all turn around and head back to the campground. As soon as they find a payphone along the road they call, and sure enough, the rangers say they have me. I don't remember them coming back for me. Isn't that weird? I have no recollection of what was said to me... I just remember always having the thought that they came back because they were afraid the police would arrest them if they hadn't. Like, they'd tried to get rid of me but didn't get to. Isn't that awful?? Which is probably why I talk so much to Kiki about every little thing that happens so she understands... and she's probably thinking "oh shut up already!" The strange thing was, that as I grew up that incident was sort of a family joke... I mean, I don't think my poor mom ever thought it was funny, she felt horrible about it...but, we would tease each other about "you better watch how you behave or they'll leave you at a campsite" or "c'mon, you owe it to me - you know you did leave me at a campsite".... so, it was always this funny thing that happened to me. Fast forward many, many years. I was in a class at church for 'Emotional Healing'. Guess what? I have abandonment issues! Who knew??!! I can't tell you how weird it was to feel the pain from that event that I'd thought of as a joke for all these years. But it explains alot, really. I'm okay now. I've grieved, dealt with it; grown up, you know. Now we joke about it again. I tell my mom I'm a terrible housekeeper because she screwed me up as a kid. She tells me to find a better excuse. Lol. It's all good. So now you know why I'm such a mess!

Christmas Miracles

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 15:10:33 GMT

I actually got out of bed at 6:15 this morning!! What is up with that???!

The Cowboy Record

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 18:25:42 GMT

I wish I could remember who the singers were...but, it was regular old cowboy singers. I remember the chorus of each, though. "I'm gonna saddle up my pony, and ride away, out where the west winds blow...how I long to be free, give me my dignity, then I'll be satisfied" followed by lots of yodeling! The other side was "Who's gonna kiss you when I'm gone? Who's gonna wipe your tears away? Who's gonna sing a little song, hey, hey, who's gonna kiss you when I'm gone"

Heee hee heee, how funny after all these years! I bet I even have that record in a box in the garage... at least, I wish I did. Sure, it's pathetic that I have boxes in the garage I haven't unpacked it the last 8 or 10 moves, but I've got that packrat thing going on... I think I'd turn into a full-on 'hoarder' if it wasn't for people in my life who love me and try to keep me somewhat sane (see my last post!)

Okay, c'mon y'all...dontcha like my new pic??

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 07:42:57 GMT

Seriously, now.... take a look at my new Profile picture...yep, the little cowgirl. That's me; it truly is. As I looked about 95% of the time in those days!! Except, I was usually on my wooden horse in my bedroom listening to my cowboy record on the record player. The cowboy record wasn't black, either...the vinyl had real pictures of cowboys and horses on it! It was awesome. Good times.... (dig the groovy furniture...lol)

Thank you my friends

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 06:55:57 GMT

Thank you...for listening, for caring, for understanding....and of course, for your prayers. I appreciate you all so very much.

A Red Letter Day in Mama's House!

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 18:05:04 GMT

Will wonders never cease!! I am this close to having this house clean! The schoolroom/office, den and livingroom are all done but the vacuuming. Which is a huge accomplishment, let me tell you. I still have quite a bit to do, but I have 3&1/2 hours before picking Kiki up from the co-op....I think I can get it done. I think I can, I think I can.... So I guess I better run....but I just had to tell!

So terribly tired and sleepy

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 08:25:49 GMT

I am such a goober. It's past 1am. I really should be in bed. I have to get up for church in the morning. I have spent the past 48 hrs. (minus a few for sleeping) cleaning my house. Okay, you can't really call it "cleaning"....that has yet to be done. This was more of a general "de-trashing"; a search for the carpet that must exist somewhere beneath the laundry, toys, and books.... I found most of it! Good news. A whole lot of it was done in anger at my dearly beloved spouse. Not for his benefit - for my own, because I'm sick of being treated like a failure because of my lameness in the housekeeping arena. I'll show him, the big turd. Which of course is rather 'cutting off my nose to spite my face' since a clean house was his aim....ah, well. He'll get the clean home, but he'll pay a price.... oh, he will pay dearly.

I'm discovering something about myself...something that is not pretty. I have a wicked rebellious streak. I never rebelled as a teen. Aparently it is catching up with me now. Hmm. My own little midlife crisis. Of course, I think I deserve one. It is my turn. Some of it...okay, probably most - is pretty self-defeating. I suppose most rebellion is. More on all that later...I think I'll go sleep in Kiki's room....she's nice to me. Lol.

8 New and Amazing Things about ME

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 20:53:15 GMT

Each person posts the rules before their list, then list 8 things

about themselves.

At the end of the post, that person tags and links to 8 other people

and then visits those people's spaces and comments letting them

know that they have been tagged, and to come and read the post,

so they know what they have to do.

So these are the rules, but you all know I am techno-deficient so I don't know how to "link" to anyone else...so, it's not that I don't love y'all, but I can't "pick on" anyone in particular! Here is my challenge ~ to my lurking-but-not-commenting readers (you know who you are!!) How about some of you doing this, then post a comment here in this entry so we can all get to know you a little better!?!

I chose to make some of these semi-serious rather than silly because, dang it, this world is a giant mess, and our lives are all so screwed up, and my hope is that if someone is helped out by the fact that I am still happy to be alive on planet Earth after all my misadventures, that you see there is still hope for the future, then my embarrasment for posting this crud is all worthwhile!!

I am "Five foot two, eyes of blue" ...and oh what those five feet can do... (that's a song, isn't it?)
When I was in college, I went to Kansas for a week for a school conference...one evening I had too many Bud-lights, danced too much, and I kissed - really kissed - a handsome, blue-eyed, blonde-haired cowboy. (I was recently married at the time.) I'm not proud of that.
When I am in stressful situations (like social gatherings where I'm not real comfortable) I tend to take refuge in the restroom. Hey, no one knows I'm hiding, because everybody's gotta go, right? I've done this since I was a child.
I don't just like animals, I LOVE animals. If I live alone when I am old, I will be that "crazy lady" with a house so full of pets that they call the authorities on me. Serious.
I have broken my tailbone (diving accident), several ribs (horse related) the same little toe - right foot, about a dozen times (horse related) ring finger (high school softball) severe deep contusion -aka bruising- on my pelvis (horse related) dislocated my jaw twice (once high school soccer, once horse kicked me) and nearly dislocated my shoulder (again, horse related) ... not to mention the thousands of just plain 'beat up and bruised' ...and I still love horses. Did I mention I am crazy??
I used to be an "ebay" addict, but I'm in recovery!
Before she died, my little sister was diagnosed as having "Dissociative Personality Disorder" more commonly known as a Multiple Personality. Some people say this doesn't exist. Some swear it does. I still don't know, nor do I understand any of it. I have tried - read, researched- still, nothing. My little sister was an enigma to me. I loved her to pieces, miss her like crazy, and carry a lot of guilt for whatever my part was in her troubled life.
My husband and I have had lots of marital problems. Probably more bad times than good. After more than 23 years, tho, we are still committed to making it work. Someday, by the Grace of God, we are going to get it right.

Well, there ya go. Probably TMI, but hey, someone out there asked for it!! Ha ha, blame her!!

No kidding!

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 07:51:00 GMT

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic

At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung

You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping

Your caffeine addiction level: high

About my hair....

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 07:32:15 GMT

Most of my life, I would never have said I loved my hair. Oh, for awhile in Jr. Hi. it was the fashion to have long, super straight hair, and that's what I had, so I didn't hate my hair... but I never loved it. As fashions changed and it became stylish to have curly hair, oh, how I suffered! My hair was so straight that I could sleep in curlers all night, and still by the time I arrived at school all the curl that remained was some odd lump to remind me of what I had attempted to do. I have to say, I love the fact that current fashion sensibilities will allow for a hundred different hairstyles to be "in". It's not like when I was a kid and you had the ONE fashionable 'do' (a la Farrah Fawcett, or the like) or you were just uncool. Period. Advance several years.... I am 35 years old, living in Washington state, and pregnant for the first time ever. I have no idea which (or all) of these things factored in, but my hair became.... curly. The hair you see in the pics is my natural hair. Well, except for the blonder bits on the very top... I gave that part a little help . After an entire lifetime of hair that wouldn't even hold a curl, it now does it by itself. Weird. And I LOVE it! Recently however, it's been a bit....limp. I think it's because we now live in a dry, dry land. A bit different from Seattle where it all started! So, it's been bugging me. Well, last week, I splurged.... I went to a "Salon and Spa" and paid a load of money to get myself a really nice haircut, and wow, what a difference it made! The pics are the result of a little bit of well-done layering. That's all. I'm a happy camper once again.

B-T-W ~ I highly advise treating yourself to a little pampering! I hadn't done this in....well, to be honest, I can't even remember when. Ever since I gained a bajillion pounds, I just haven't felt "worthy" of spending money on. I buy new pants when my old ones rip. I buy shoes when I must have them. And haircuts? My sister will do it for free. She's not trained, but she does a pretty decent job. But, Oh-My-Gosh!! This place, it was so beautiful....relaxing little waterfalls around, wonderful scents, offers of tea or coffee or a soda when you arrive... then, I got an oil scalp massage by this guy before my cut, then another massage while my hair was washed.... I could have died happy right then! My stylist was a young gal with pink and blond hair and plenty of tatoos; she was super nice, and wow, the haircut just brought my curls back to life! And one of the best parts? I told Alan I was feeling rather guilty about the expense, and he told me not to feel bad at all, that I deserved it, and he was totally glad I had done it. It doesn't get much better than that.

OH ~ I also bought myself two pairs of shoes "just because", as well as four new shirts! I'm just going wild!! heehee

I must be crazy

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 06:21:18 GMT

I need therapy. "Just Do Your Job" housecleaning therapy. It is past midnite. I have Bunco at my house tomorrow night. Well, tonight, as it is past midnite. I postponed it from last week (too close to the 4th, everyone was gone) so YAY I had an extra week to clean. Did I? 'Course not. So I should be doing it now. Tomorrow morning I can't, as I am helping with Vacation Bible School. Then, I have to go buy the prizes because I forgot all about that. And snacks. But the house is not clean. Isn't even tidy. Yet here I sit. Because I hate cleaning. Because you never get done. It is a never ending climb up an ever shifting sand dune. I feel like I've missed half the summer, because I've been trying to clean, however unsuccessfully, and that is all I've done. And it isn't done. Will I ever get to just have some summer fun with my child? What is my malfunction? Is this house cursed??

Interfering with Wildlife

Sat, 19 May 2007 08:32:51 GMT

One job I know I could never do would be one of those nature photographers - well, the kind who film documentaries. You know, they are filming the "natural state of things" and some poor creature is struggling to survive somehow, and they just keep on filming its horrible demise. Sorry, folks, but I'd be stepping in. "The way things are" be hanged!! I may not be able to save them all, but I'd do what I could. So, the other night, Kiki and I are on our way home from Kid's Club at church. It's about 9pm, dusk. We always cut through this area between a park where a creek cuts thru and the parking lot of the fairgrounds. I notice a group of ducklings crossing the road, so I stop...and I see that mama is just on the other side of the fence, in the empty parking lot. She is trying to get away from two very persistant drakes. Now, I've raised a couple ducks. I understand how they...well, function. But this was just not right.... I mean, cut the gal some slack already! The ducklings were confused and scared, and mama was stressed. And these guys...we-ll. We sat there for awhile (the ducklings were still in the way) and I began to get a bit irritated. It was time to step in. To tweak nature, if you will. I got out of the truck and tried to shoo off the drakes...but they wouldn't be stopped. They were trying, honestly, to drag the poor thing away from one another. By now the little ones had gone into the parking lot as well. I didn't want mama to have to go too far off, so I tried a different plan...I got back in my truck and pulled it right up to the fence...my headlights were right on them....I must have been like, 2 feet from them...and yet, they didn't even skip a beat. It was nuts! I got back out and smacked the fence....(with my hands, that is) and that distracted the drakes enough that mama got loose, and scootched under the fence and hid beneath my truck. I banged the fence again, and the drakes flew off. After a couple minutes, mama came out from under the vehicle, collected her babies, and they all waddled off to the creek. For the next several days, we saw mama and her 4 ducklings floating about in the same area of that creek; now they have moved on. So, Hah! I defied the way of nature, and I feel goood. Kiki was so impressed with us. (she had knelt and talked soothingly to the ducklings while all the rest had been going on) Alright, I will admit that the whole conversation we had to have ("What are they doing to her, mom?" "Are they hurting her?" and then the "What??" "They're trying to mate - wha??" "Do you mean they're having sex??!!") yeah, I could have done without all that...but it was kinda funny! All in all, a job well done, I believe.

Where I wish I lived....

Mon, 07 May 2007 22:44:19 GMT

The pics I just posted are all taken in spots very close to my house....however, it doesn't really represent where I live. I live in a subdivision... Suburbia, USA. How did that happen?? Life is crazy; that's how. One of my favorite quotes is this: "Life is what happens to you while you are making plans to do something else." That is totally what happened in my life! I was going to be a horse breeder/trainer/showman....in college, I majored in Animal Science/Equine Industries. Yes, I can tell Triticale from Winter Wheat.... I know how Beet Pulp smells....I can formulate the proper diet to raise a steer to market weight with the least expense. I know how to castrate pigs. (yes - that is gross!!) I know how utterly dumb sheep can be. (and you realize those are the animals the Lord refers to us as?? You don't know what it truly means that we "need a shepherd" until you've spent a bit of time with those woolie guys...then you appreciate how far, far above and beyond us is the Knowledge and Understanding of God!!) But, I digress.... I can show a calf, shoe a horse, make sausage, pick the absolute best yearling foal out of the pasture.....and here I am, cleaning house...being the homeschool mom. Don't get me wrong....I love my life. Now that I'm a mom, I wouldn't give that up for anything. But, it's just....strange....so very far from where I intended to be in life.

Now, I can do without the pig castrations and beef to market calculations, but I really, really need to get some horses back into my life!! I can do that and the "momming" as well! It can't possibly affect my housecleaning; I mean, I totally suck at it now, so it's not gonna get worse because I spend my days out riding! In our valley, however, the prices of houses have gone a bit nutsy. Everything is "develop develop" so to buy land is out of my reach, because it's being sold for subdividing at astronomical prices. You have to live pretty far out to afford property...and with gas at $3.15 a gallon and rising, how far out can I really afford to live, anyway? My truck gets about 17 mpg....guess I need a scooter!

Well, there is the story...the story of the great photos of farms and cows and pastures that I only wish belonged to me!

True Confessions - On Having an Only Child

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 17:03:26 GMT

Hello! Finally have a moment to pop on...I am going to try to do a little blog-walking tonight, but for now, I wanted to talk about me...yes, it IS all about ME!!

I never intended to have an only child. When the topic comes up, I usually make some joke about Kiki being so much work she's like having at least 2 or 3.... or, that I was enjoying her so much, I didn't want to ruin it. Or, we "got it right the first time" so why mess with perfection? There is truth in all of those statements, but it isn't the whole truth. I've never told anyone the whole truth, except Alan. He knows; he understands, and he's sorry...for me, he's sorry. He is totally okay with just having one kid, but sometimes I really wish we had more. Well, if wishes were horses then beggars would ride... When Alan and I got married, we were your "typical" young couple, I think...we always planned to wait 2 - 5 years before starting a family, then, once we were 'settled' (ah, the ignorance of youth...thinking in a few years of marriage you would then have it all together!!) well, then we'd have at least 2 children, possibly more. I was the middle of three, so my only stipulation was that we have an even number....I did not want to have some poor, suffering middle child. My life was soooo hard, lol. Well, the years went by, and we had no desire for kids. We were having a great time, doing what we wanted - buying stuff, taking ski trips, what-have-you. I had my horses, and we were busy and, we thought, fulfilled. Sure, we had some marital issues, but again, being ignorant, we assumed it would all work out....ha. Ignorance is not necessarily bliss, is it??! Ten years of marriage pass, and my family has basically given up any hope that we will have children, and I think my life is about as good as a life can get...then the rug gets pulled out from under me; my world is shattered....my husband has been having an affair. The affair goes on for two years, in two states....some people do not know when to give up. I'm not sure who should have given up...me, him.....her..... The weirdest thing in this scenario (not the worst, by any means, but the weirdest...) is that I realize I am heartbroken over the fact that I have no children. I am all alone in the world, and I'll never have a family. Yes, I do realize now that that wasn't completely true, I mean, I have a wonderful extended family and gosh, back then I was in my early 30's, over 100 pounds lighter and pretty dang good looking.... my hopes weren't completely over, but it did feel that way back then. So, the affair ends, we pull ourselves together and try to start over. There is this strange period right after the affair when it seems like everything is totally okay. After all, I won, right? I saved my marriage, got my husband back. I was, once again, completely ignorant. (geez, is that the theme here?? I hope not.) I didn't realize the enormous amount of work it was going to take to salvage my marriage. For a few brief months, I was just blissfully happy that we were still married. Alan and I had a discussion about how I felt at not having any children, and he said he felt the same way. We decided we would quit trying not to have a child, and see what God had in mind. Well, it would appear that God wanted us to be parents - I think I was pregnant about a week after we had this talk! I was ecstatic for about....4 or 5 months. Then, the "honeymoon period" of the ended affair was over, and reality sunk in....What in the World had I done??!! We lived in Washington then, and I would drive to the beach (and hey, the Washington coast is not the place to go if you are depressed and wanting to cheer up! It's not like Southern Calif., where it is sunny and warm...no, it is grey, cold, and as depressing as my life felt at that time.) I would just sit, huddled and shivering, on the sand, and think what a fool I was...because now I was bringing a child into the world, a child who would need a daddy, so now I had no escape. I would be stuck in a horrible marriage with a horrible man forever. So we had a new business, and soon a new baby, and we were very busy....we didn't have the time or the tools to work on our marriage, so it continued to flounder. My only saving thought was that if it did end, I was probably capable of taking care of one little girl by myself. But no more than that! It wasn't until about two years ago that we began to seriously work on healing the wounds in our marriage. Things are very, very good between us, and now I finally have the security to think, hey, we should have some more children! (yeah, for awhile I forgot my true security is in the Lord....) And I am 45 years old, Kiki is almost 10.... I really don't want to start over at this point.... Alan and I both agree that the Lord put Kiki in our life to keep us together until we found the means to keep ourselves together - I so totally would have left him if we didn't have this little one who adored her daddy. Both Alan and I are very glad it didn't happen like that... we are glad for having fought it thru, even though at times it was utterly miserable. Don't get me wrong, I adore Kiki!! She is a total blast, and I do see plenty of reasons why it's great having just her. There are so many things we can do that we couldn't if there was a bunch of siblings. Life with her is very fun! It's just that, sometimes, I wish I'd have another. Sometimes, I get tired of being looked at like some kind of freak (who has just one kid, really?!) Why people think 2 or 3 kids is a perfect amount and any more or any less is wrong I have no idea, but sometimes I tire of being the "odd man out". I second guess my decision alot, but there is no point in that, really. I have what I have, and there is a reason for that. "The Lord works all things together for those who love Him"....I'm cool with that. It's just such a convoluted reason, that I just don't share it, and sometimes I get tired of being asked why I would have an only child....it seems like it would be easier if I'd tried and couldn't get pregnant or something (which is what a lot of people assume, anyhow....) Whatever. I am what I am. Plain and simple. Or not so simple. But that's the story, the whole truth. It's why I have just one, precious, special little child.

Oh, the Inequities of Life!

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 01:06:55 GMT

I suppose entries under this title could fill volumes, but I will just speak of one today....one that has been bugging me lately. I know there are far greater injustices in the lives of others....but the only life I can live is my own, and I am just irritated.... If you have been paying attention here (lol) you know I adore horses. They have been, at times, my life. I have been "horseless" for a few years now, and it just seems rotten. I have a nice, new home in a tidy, quality subdivision. I'd give it up in a heartbeat for a shack on some acreage where I could keep a horse. (I mean, sure, a nice house on property would be even better, but I mean I would take a shack if that was the trade-off!) So here is where my frustration comes in...in just the last couple weeks, I have had four different people tell me they are selling - or have sold - their home on acreage because they just were tired of the upkeep and just wanted a little yard. These are all people who did not have the acreage because they wanted animals on it....horses, anyway. Two of them had, in past years, raised a steer to butcher (how you can eat an animal that grew up in your own backyard I'll never know, but that's another story...) but overall, they just "happened" to have bought on acreage, maybe because they wanted a big yard for their kids....okay, dang it!! Where is my acreage??! I would actually put it to use!!

Well, there you have it...my rant for today!

Observations from the Fat Lady Store

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 22:28:59 GMT

Friday was the Grand Opening of a new Lane Bryant store in my valley. They were celebrating by having 40% off everything in the store. Since this makes their prices almost reasonable, Alan told me I should go shopping. I was going to just buy a new bra, but he said "no, get some clothes." I hate shopping for clothes, it's just depressing...so, I generally don't, and I guess Alan is unhappy with my lack of fashion... Hey, what's wrong with jeans that have huge patches on the inner thighs, huh?! I suppose that is sweet of him, wanting me to have clothes I feel nice in. So off we went, Kiki and I. Oh-my-goodness!! The place was crammed! It was funny, too, because Kiki was taking it all in, and then she asked "mom, what store is this?" I told her it was a store for "big ladies clothes" and she was like "Ooooh, that explains why every single person in here is fat...I mean, no offense, mom." Hey, none taken, I am what I am.... Then we had to wait a very long time to try on clothes...fortunately, they had nice seats in the dressing area to relax on. They were handing out bottled water and.....candy. Kiki was like, "Uhm, mom? If everyone in here is overweight, and they probably don't want to be, well, shouldn't they have fruit or something?" Hee hee. I guess they want to be sure to hang onto their clientele!! Thank goodness, Alan got off work early, and he came by and picked up Kiki, so they did a little other shopping around while I tried on some stuff. It was interesting to "people watch". Some looked thin enough I wondered, honestly, why they were in there. Some looked like they must weigh more than me, yet somehow they carried it so much better...they looked pretty good.... then still others, well, I didn't feel so bad about myself. So I got that bra. And three shirts and a pair of capris....oh, yeah, I am just a fashion plate now, girls....!

this is soooo me....

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 18:13:58 GMT

Huh...Have I Been Depressed?

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 21:07:08 GMT

Or do I just not care? I feel like I care... Something has been terribly off with me.... I knew it, but, I don't know, I guess it really hit me this morning. I mean, I don't feel depressed... and, I have seriously been there, so it seems like I'd know; unless it maybe can show up in different forms? I've not been the best about taking my meds...since I got so sick it's been pretty hit & miss...however, I think the issues I'm dealing with here have been going on longer than the last couple months. Like, the house being messy. It's beyond hideous, really. I know there are some of you out there thinking "yeah, my house, too" but, trust me, it's probably not the same...if I didn't think CPS would come take my kid away, I'd post pics... well, maybe it's not that bad...there is nothing stinky in my house...but still.... I don't like it, and yet, I'm kind of like, what-ever. Like me or not. This is who I am. My sister says it's how God made me, and I am not broken. I feel broken. Why can't I function like other people?? Last night, Kiki wanted to watch her DVD of the "Frog Prince" play she was in last summer....that's when it hit me; the little shirt she got from that, I haven't seen it since summer...which means it's been in the laundry all that time!! Crap. That's ridiculous! So, I pulled all her hampers out - yeah, I said "All Her Hampers" - I think I have like, 15 loads of just Kiki's laundry to do! What have I been doing for the past...several....months?? You see, if we have people coming over, Alan makes me shove everything away somewhere because he wants everything tidy...well, all the laundry got shoved in the back of our walk-in closet - so, out of sight, out of mind! My brain is dysfunctional. I hate that. I've really been trying lately... I got the livingroom completely done, then two of the bathrooms, and the master bedroom...I thought I was making pretty good progress... then last night, Alan says to me, "are you going to try to finish getting the house clean this week?" Okay, that may seem like a reasonable question, but if you'd heard the way it was asked... it was actually pretty offensive. I wonder if maybe I don't do the stuff I should because it is my quiet, passive-agressive way of gettting back at Alan for how he speaks to me. We used to have big fights...I quit fighting when Kiki was born...I don't want it to go on in front of her. Most stuff, I can just let go...but, I think some of it simmers under the surface... then Alan does something like throwing - seriously - all of Kiki's paperwork off his desk because we "messed up his space" - Granted, we did, and we should've cleaned it up... but, did he have to throw it? There were some papers I needed to scan and email over to the church...now, they are all over the floor with a whole bunch of other stuff....my papers weren't even on his desk....Kiki had made a mess scrapbooking...and her stuff fell all over mine....urrrggghhh. Things aren't right around here. Part of me, well, truly does not care. I'm thinking of cleaning by means of gasoline and a match. Then there is the part of me that does care. I am trying very hard to do some laundry this morning, and I do...really...want the house clean. But I feel very angry inside. My brain feels....messy. My body feels...tired. And fat. I just feel.....yuck. Blah. Pray for me, okay?

Getting to Know You...I mean, me...

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 19:22:27 GMT

“A daughter who won't lift a finger in the house is the same child who cycles madly off in the pouring rain to spend all morning mucking out stables.” -- Samantha Armstrong

I stole the above quote from someone else's space, because it totally describes my childhood!!

Now, here is a little list of "4's", to give you a snippet of information about me...

4 jobs I have had ~ bank teller, sign artist&chalkboard design, data courier, espresso bar owner

4 places I have lived ~ California, Idaho, Utah, Washington

4 favorite TV shows ~ Scrubs, Rosemary & Thyme, Globe Trekker...and, yes, King of the Hill

4 places I have been ~ Victoria British Columbia, Cancun Mexico, Disneyland!, and....Kansas

4 places I visit (almost) everyday in Cyberworld ~ Spaces-mine and those of the friends I've met here, my email, rabbit tracks all over while "learning new things" haaha, ebay (don't tell Alan!)

4 favorite foods ~ Ice cream, Chinese food, cold cereal, cheesefries w/fry sauce (can you see a problem?!) #5- Monte Cristo sandwich yummmmm

4 places I'd rather be right now ~ a hot sunny beach somewhere, horseback riding, a coffeehouse with a good book, Disneyland

There you have it! Eclectic and hungry. Lol.

Yet another Dumb Idea

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 21:15:23 GMT

Sometimes I really wonder about myself. Yesterday I took Kiki to a horse event at our local fairgrounds. It wasn't a horse show, it's sort of a "get to know the horse breeders and suppliers in your area" sort of event. It's very cool - it's just that, since I had to give up my horses, I mostly avoid these situations. My family always tells me when they hear of some upcoming thing because they are just sure I'll enjoy it. Honestly tho, they mostly depress me. That used to be such a big part of my life, and I feel so very, very distant from it now. I feel like I have no right to be there - "you gave up the dream, girl..."...it makes me so sad. You see, if you don't know me well, I'll let you in on my life... I used to eat, drink, sleep, live, love and dream horses. It was my life. I never thought about getting married, or having a family, or anything else. All I ever wanted to do was raise, train, ride and show horses. That other stuff just sort of "happened". My first words were "giddy up" to my rocking horse. I asked for a horse every birthday and Christmas. Finally, when I was 15, my parents told me if I could find a horse to buy for the amount of money I had in my bank account (which was $450.00) that I could get one. Of course, I did!! I then had horses all the rest of my life, until 3 years ago. My last horse, a beautiful, purebred, registered Arabian mare, I ended up donating to a 4-H club. It broke my heart. For the last few years, I have really struggled with my desire to have horses and my desire to serve the Lord. I honestly can't figure out how the two can work together...except, if you've ever met many horse people - especially horse show people - well, they need Jesus as badly as the rest of us!! But, I don't know. To be honest, I've really tried to rid myself of my horse-love disease. But how do you, when you were born with it in your blood? Really, I think I cried the day I was born because the room was full of humans and not a single horse! Once, many years ago, I was having the same struggle...it's hard when most of your "extra" funds go to your personal hobby, and your husband keeps reminding you what a totally nice house or cool car he could have if every cent wasn't spent on your horses. I was on a women's retreat with my church, and I sat outside, praying. "God, if it's okay for me to keep on with this horse business, send me a sign...let me see a horse today. I have to know if it's okay with you...if it's not, I'll give it up." Now, you need to know, we were at a retreat site up in the mountains...trees everywhere, not a sign of a pasture or a farm...I'm not sure where I thought I might see a horse, but that was the point, really. I wanted it to be obvious...it would've been rather "fixed" if I'd asked to see a squirrel or pine cone!! Well, later that day, a small group of us went for a little hike. Trees, trees, trees. Then, just around a bend, a large meadow appeared, surrounded by a board fence. "There could be a horse in here" I thought, but if there was, it never showed. On we went. On the return trip, we passed the field once again. Just when we were about to round the bend and be out of sight, a solitary horse came thundering over the hill and into the field. I burst into tears. I was soooo happy.

That was many years ago. I have had great, happy times with horses, and terribly sad struggles. And today, here I am, horseless. And floundering. I avoid thinking about it. I avoid horse events. But Kiki heard about it, and wanted to go. And a little voice said "hey! If you can get her interested, then it's two of you against daddy...". So we went. And it made me feel sad for everything I've lost. I had horse property, horses, a beautiful new truck and horse trailer...all of which went away because of the aftermath of my husband's affair. I no longer hold a grudge against him for it, that's part of forgiveness...but still, it's the way it went. I then ran into the husband of the 4H leader to whom I gave my horse (at the event yesterday). I have been harboring this private hope to get her back one day...but it turns out she was 'adopted' by one particular 4H kid, and she now lives in the mountains, about an hour away. She used to be close enough that I would drive by to see her every now and then. Kiki had a great time, but I just mostly felt...bad. I don't know what I was thinking, to go. My parents have an acre, and I know they'd let me keep a horse there, but there is nowhere to ride nearby, not to mention it's an hour roundtrip to get there and back from my house... and I really couldn't expect them to care for the horse, so I'd have to go at least 2X a day...that just isn't really possible right now. Poop. Really.

More Recent Stupid Stuff

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 01:21:52 GMT

It was pointed out in my comments that Dr. Phil says our brains don't fully develop until our 20's... which I suspect is totally true...however, even now there are times I forget to use the brain I have. My excuse is that at least half of it slipped out when I had my baby and the doctor didn't notice...I wish she'd have scooped it up and given it back...

I'm not as buff as I think ~ I like to rearrange my house. I do it way too often...in fact, my mom says I've redone my home more in the three years we've lived in this house than she has in her whole marriage. Sometimes it's just moving the furniture around a room; I think it's my creative side longing for an outlet...but a few times I have completely switched rooms... like, Kiki's room began upstairs, then the front bedroom, then the back...I turned the master bedroom into our den for a while, but I missed having the big room so I changed those back...maybe it's because I just don't really like this house...it's a nice house...I just don't like it.. it doesn't work for me, somehow. It's that ugly gold carpet. I don't care that it matches the dogs so the hairs don't show - it's still ugly.... Aaaanyway...it was in the midst of the most recent change, several months ago, that I decided the treadmill just had to be in our bedroom. Had to be. Because. When I get in this mood, look out! I can't stop, and I must do things in the proper order! Proper in my mind - it doesn't have to make sense. Well it was time to move the treadmill, and Alan wasn't home...wasn't going to be home for quite some time. And I wanted it all done before he got home, to surprise him. Oh, I surprised him alright. Not in a good way. See, the treadmill is big. And heavy. And to get into the master bedroom, you have to turn into the hall, then turn into the bedroom. The two of us had struggled to get the thing into the den. What made me think I could move it myself?? Idiocy? It's in my bedroom now. Of course, I have never used it since it's been in there...I will....someday.... I'm going to post a couple pictures of the surprise my hubby found when he got home that day. Yeah, I smashed the wall, and even our friend who has done some wallboard in his house says it's too complicated for him to fix, because it's on a rounded corner. Better yet, it's in a spot you can see from the livingroom...oh, you can't miss it. Brilliant.

Stupid Stuff I Have Done

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 07:56:39 GMT

This could be a whole space unto itself, but maybe I will just intersperse little stories here and there in my blog....Entitled "Yep, I am a real dork sometimes." Hard to believe, I know....

Pigs for sale ~ When I was in high school, my best friend and I had mopeds. These were "all the rage" at that time. She and I rode those things everywhere. Keep in mind this was California, so the weather was mostly fine for this. One fine day, we went on a particularly long ride. We were getting out into areas less inhabited. On the side of the road, we saw a sign pointing down a long, dirt driveway that read "Pigs for Sale". Being total animal lovers (and living, at that time, in places we were allowed to have a few barnyard type animals) we thought we'd take a look. We drove for ages down the dirt road, until finally we began to see signs of habitation...and don't think I mean a nice little farm house or something, either. What we saw were little pens of all shapes, sizes and fencing materials (I'm talking twine, roadsigns, tires...) and crammed into these pens were way too many animals of all varieties. Had we had half a brain between the two of us, we'd have turned around right then and there. But nooo, we just kept right on going. Soon we came to some shacks that I could only assume were for human housing, though I found it hard to accept. A bit further on, we came across a huge gathering of people...mexicans...a teeming mass. Sitting on their lowrider cars, children playing in the dust, loud music blaring on cheap speakers... it began to dawn on us two little white girls on our mopeds that perhaps this wasn't the best possible place for us to be. Then we saw the pigs... the one being boiled in the big tub to singe off it's hair was particularly lovely... At some point, we'd gotten off our mopeds; I don't remember why. So, we hopped back on them and turned around...suddenly, lots of mexican guys were yelling stuff at us - stuff we couldn't understand - and then some of them began to chase us. My friend's moped roared off up the road, but mine wouldn't start! It was this weird one that you had to peddle to get started, and it usually just took one rotation or so before the engine kicked in...but here I was, peddling the stupid thing for dear life (literally, or so I imagined!) and it just wouldn't start. My friend was pulling away from me, and tears were beginning to run down my face...when it dawns on me...I hadn't turned the ignition on.

As you can imagine, once we got safely out onto the main road, we began to laugh hysterically, mainly at ourselves. After all, maybe they just wanted us to join them for barbeque??!

Hating the Insomnia

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 07:30:06 GMT

So, it's the middle of the night, we have to be at church early, and I can't sleep. I hate that. I'm exhausted, but I keep coughing. The problem - well, among others! - is that I think the coughing is being caused by my reflux. My medication used to keep it under control perfectly...but then my insurance wouldn't pay for it, so I had to use another kind that didn't work as well. I got the 'good stuff' while I was sick - I just bit the bullet and paid full price for it - but it doesn't seem to be working like it once did. I keep hacking up this white foam....that can't be good. Then tonight, after I lay down in bed, I had to pop up to go pay a little homage to the porcelain god...that's what my reflux does to me, but this med used to keep that away....crud. Sooo, I will try to think of something interesting to write....