Mama's Midlife Mire: Mental & Physical Health (or the lack thereof)

Would you say this is Good News or Bad News???

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 01:45:19 GMT

I went to see the Herbalist today. He is such a nice man. We talked about my reason for visiting him - uh, I'm needing to lose a little weight, ya see - and everyone I know is going to see him and doing this 'Candida cleanse diet' (which is a yeast deal, where you have to eliminate all sugar from your diet because the Cadida lives off it) and so we talked about... stuff. And I cried. Because I seem to do that at the drop of a hat these days. Which is beginning to piss me off - I mean, could I just have a conversation for pete's sake??! If you remember, I went to see this herbalist when I just couldn't get over my pneumonia. He suspected back then that I may be harboring some unresolved emotional issues - because, I guess, in ancient Eastern healing traditions they believe that your lung health is related to emotions somehow. Well, I don't know about all that, but what I do know is that I've been dealing with the bronchitis and pneumonia since we moved here 4+ years ago - the length of time basically that we were dealing with my little sister's mental breakdown and subsequent death. So, it does make you wonder, if nothing else. Interestingly enough, I have been dealing with this "piling on of weight" for the last 12 years....hmmm, ever since my husband's affair....could it be related, somehow? Ya think?? I've known for a long time that it is somehow related - but I thought more along the lines of because I'd become so depressed I couldn't eat, and was actually underweight for a time, so I thought I'd just killed off my always-low metabolism or something....Then, maybe I have that Candida thing so I'm addicted to sugar and that's why even when I really, really try to eat well and even exercise, nothing changes.....Well, crap. I tested negative for the Candida, and any other physical cause of what would be keeping me from losing weight. He basically told me that nothing he could give me could really help, but what I need to do is go thru some sort of therapy to release the trapped emotions so I can truly begin to heal. Maaaan.... I mean, if it was the candida, I'd have to go on a strict diet (no breads or fruits or anything at first!) and I didn't really want to do that, but then it kills off the stuff and suddenly you are dropping weight and all is well, you know? (So, fine, now I can stuff my face with croissants).... but of course, it can't be as easy as taking some herbs and changing my diet, noooo.... I have to go deal with my stuff. Aaarrrrgghh!! So I'm not sick, just crazy in the head. Which comes as no surprise, right? I know Alan would like to believe we have dealt with it all, and stuff is peachy.... but while I may be unbalanced, he is delusional. He was like, "so this is all my fault?" and I was like, "uh, duh, yeah." Lol. So, anyway. We (the witch dr and I) talked about stuff like the agreements you make with yourself - and, I've heard this in Bible studies and stuff, so it's not just new-agey-voodoo-crap or anything.... do you know what I'm talking about? Like, say you'd been molested as a child. (no, I haven't been... this is an example) anyway, lets say somewhere in your subconscious, you decide "as long as I am always 100 pounds overweight no one will ever desire me and I will be safe". So, no matter what you do in your conscious state, you'll never get closer to your 'ideal weight' than 100 lbs. over...or, let's say someone told you you'd always be a failure.... so no matter how hard you try, every time you are about to 'win' at something - a game, a job, a relationship - you do something to 'blow it' so, yeah, you're a failure. I know this stuff is true.... I guess I just don't know what my problem is. Well, I sort of do. Sometimes, if I think hard enough (altho I try not to!) I think that as long as I am 'undesirable' then if Alan had another affair, well, it would make sense. Or maybe it's like the weight is the "wall" around me that I keep up to guard against any future hurts. Or, I remember how much I wanted to commit suicide back then... but I knew that wasn't fair to my own family... so I prayed and prayed that God would just let me die. Give me some disease or let me get hit by a bus or something.... a way out that wasn't really by my own hand. So maybe I'm just committing suicide on the installment plan or something?? I don't know. I really don't. And, honestly, I don't feel like digging around for it. Criminy. But. I suppose I'll call this woman he recommended and go see her. And get re-birthed or something. Start all over from scratch. Lol. Not really! I don't know what I'm up for.... guess we'll just see, huh? It sounds like effort, at any rate. And then I'll still have to do something to lose the weight!! Geez. Life can be such a pain.

What if the light at the end of the tunnel is just an onrushing freight train??

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 22:37:11 GMT

Have you ever felt like there were so many decisions you needed to make, so many issues and problems pressing in on you that you needed, somehow, to find a way to deal with, that you felt like your head was going to explode?? Aaarrrgghhh!! I am thinking that maybe running away is a good option afterall. Alan wanted me to take my dad to look at the car today. As if I have time! Not to mention that I don't even want to think about the whole "what am I going to do about gas costs?" issues right now! I am trying to get laundry done and Kiki ready for her trip.... I mowed the lawn, at hubby's request...I feel like crap because my reflux is really acting up - and I called my doctor's office to see if I could come in for some more Prot*nix samples (she's been giving me samples since she knows I no longer have health insurance) but, they don't have any. So I called the pharmacy to see how much a prescription would be...the nurse told me they have a generic now, so I was hopeful - but, the generic would cost me $105.00!!! So, that leaves me no choice but the suffering, I guess. Crap. I'm tired of throwing up. 4 times last night! Maybe I'll try something else over-the-counter. So far, I haven't found anything that works, but maybe if I could find a product that would at least help a little, that'd be something.

Time for a trip to the Witch Doctor

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 21:36:11 GMT

Alright, alright, I give already!!! I will put aside my stubborness and rebellion and try to take care of myself... you see, at this moment, I am in intense pain. It's my gut. Kiki really wanted me to describe how I felt - because the whole "I'm not sick, I feel well enough, I'm just in pain" wasn't quite working for her. I told her, it's like this: "My intestines feel like someone filled them with air, and now little men are running around in there with torches and spears." This is not the first time this has happened... it sent me nearly crawling into a doctor's office back when we lived in Salt Lake City, and that doctor told me I probably had 'Diverticulitis'. You notice the 'probably' and you know I'm not keen on doctors anyhow, so I just dealt with the pain and eventually it went away. It shows up now and then. This time it's less intense than the bout that sent me to the doctor, but it's lasted longer... yuck. So, I pulled out this book we have by "Kevin Tru*deau" titled Natural*Cures "they" don't want you to kn*w about . I didn't find the disease by name, but everything I'm dealing with - reflux, bloating,, obesity, irregularity, etc. etc..... in each one of the cases, 'candida' is listed as one of the probable causes. Candida, basically, is a yeast that naturally occurs in our gut but goes crazy if you eat too much sugar. All the gals I know at school - my sister among them - who have lost weight and feel immensly better have gone to the naturalist to get rid of their candida deal. So, it doesn't surprise me, but I haven't wanted to deal with ridding my life of all sugar. So, what, this is better??? Geez I'm a dork sometimes. Anyway, I am going to call him and make an appointment - then I will probably be whining a lot here about how I hate what I have to eat - or, actually, hate that I don't get to eat the stuff I like and live on right now. Hope you bear with me.

p.s. Alan came home from work midday and took Kiki out for a "lunch date". How sweet is that?

Prayer Request

Sat, 31 May 2008 22:11:31 GMT

Toss up a little prayer for me today, alright? I am feeling - well - strange. I have no real description for it. Today Kiki and I had to take something to Alan at work that he'd forgotten, and while we were out my eyes started acting weird - like, all around the periphery it was blurry and I could see little rainbows.... pretty, maybe, but not normal! It lasted at least 20 minutes, and finally I just told her "we have to go home" because I felt a little dizzy and 'out of it' so to speak. This eye thing happened about a week ago, but just for a few minutes. So, when we got home I layed down for a bit, and it went away. But now as I sit here, it seems like my vision isn't quite right. Like, I'm straining a bit to read this as I post it, and that's never been an issue before. And like I said, I just feel a bit "out of it". I don't know any other way to describe it. I am going to go try to mow the lawn.... maybe the fresh air will do me good. Any hoo, keep me in your prayers today... thank you.

Sabotage!

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 06:42:35 GMT

Darn husband!! I was doing so well... then at the market today (I was buying fruit to make a fruit salad for our 'extended family Sunday meal' and he throws in a bag of milk chocolate chips and asks me to "please" make him cookies tonight.... geez. He is so not with the program! Chocolate chips and cookies are definately on my "red light foods" list... if they are in this house, I will eat them. Period. I ate too many tonight... but, I am putting them on a plate and sending them to work with him tomorrow!! I will not be tempted!

Today's Forecast:

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 18:48:03 GMT

Partly rational with brief periods of coherent thought giving way to complete apathy by tonight.

So here's what I've decided. I am going to include my weight struggles on this blog, but not let it overcome the blog. This blog is about my life - the good, the bad and the ugly. I'd say the weight definately falls into the final catagory. Cata - Gory! Yeah. Besides, I'd never be able to keep up two separate blogs, c'mon now. What was I thinking?? I've been sort of hiding this part of my life, but I need some place to whine about my obesity struggles! I'm pretty tired of being the 'token fat girl' in my family, my school, my church... I know there are more of us out there, but somehow they aren't in my groups. I'm tired of sitting around with the other homeschool moms as they all discuss their latest healthy craze. I mean, good for them, seriously! They are doing what they should, but it makes me feel like a gigantic loser. Emphasis on gigantic, not so much of a loser, or I wouldn't be in this sitch, right?! But c'mon, could we discuss our kids, or homeschooling, or something?? So I bought a pair of walking shoes. I wanted the cool lime green trimmed ones, but they didn't have them in my size - so I got the boring baby blue trimmed ones. sigh. The point is they are comfy and I need to walk. Kiki and I have walked all but one day this week... it was her "in school" day, so I got caught up in other jobs and forgot. But, I've started! Alan was harrassing me because I went to the grocery store and came home without any "goodies". Geez, what a lot of help he is! The real point of adding this here is that I am hoping it will encourage me to stay on task... a bit of accountability. Somehow when I write stuff here, in black and white (or, pink or purple.... anyway, the printed word!) it seems to help me sort thru stuff a bit. Well. Here we go.

So I am going to post a - gulp - picture of myself. You don't find many of these. There is more than one reason that I am the one behind the camera! On this day, I'd handed Alan the camera to take shots of the herons...(remember that post?) Who knew he was taking my picture??! Totally not cool! Except that means I have a recent photo of myself to put here....

Funny that he got one where my hand was covering my face, huh? Since I'm going for the whole "incognito" bit on this blog... I'll tell you all my 'insides' but don't want you to recognize my 'outsides'...Lol!!

Well, there you have it. As you can see, I am 'chubbing out' my little kiddo as well... another big reason that things have got to change!

I am also going to let you in on my biggest secret!! Not even Alan knows this.... my weight. 276. Keep in mind I am only 5'2". I only put this here to make the progress seem all the more real. Ouch. That is painful, honestly.

Let's see where tomorrow takes me!!

Oops! I've been totally busted : (

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 06:02:05 GMT

I went to my doctor's today. (if you're the "oh that's gross - TMI" sort, don't read on) I needed to (wanted to?) have some little growths - skin tabs - removed. I know, how gross. I had quite a few and was just fed up with them. Not to mention the lovely, squiggly wart inside my nose... for all the world looking like I was constantly hangin' a boog...!! That one, the doctor tried to talk me out of.... too many blood vessels in the nose, too many bacterium.... I just said - I'm willing to risk it to have a 'clean' nose! Jiminy, it hurt like crazy! Some she just cut off with scissors without any anesthesia (and I could have done that at home for free!!) A few, including the nose, she jabbed me with a needle first - and I am pretty sure that hurt even worse! And some of the liquid went right on up into my sinuses, which was very nice, I assure you. So now I have about 26 bandaids all over my upper bod. Kiki asked me (typical little girl query) "ooh, mom, did they have to see your bra??" Because, of course, what would be more humiliating in a "tweens" mind? You should have seen the look on her face - and heard the following hysterical laughter - when I told her "well, no, honey - I actually had to take my bra off so they saw everything"!!! Oh-my-gosh it was soo funny! It's a good thing that I am no longer easily embarrassed... which I think comes from having a baby - you know, you're in there and everybody and his brother is coming in, checking it out.... doctors, nurses, students, janitors (okay, maybe not). Because twice today, I'm sitting there in my skin and a large napkin while the nurse runs out to do - I don't know what - and leaves the door open.... and other patients walk by.... I'm just like "Whatever. They'll be sorry they looked, lol."

Which brings me to being busted. I asked my doctor what causes these stupid little skin growths. She said it is quite often because your body isn't properly processing sugar (as in, diabetes). Obviously I am a prime candidate for that right now. I am a total sugarholic, although I didn't tell her that. She asked, when was the last time I had blood work? I say, Oh, probably last year. She looks at my chart... 2005. Okay, maybe not last year. She looks at my results from back then and -

she says "your cholesterol was terrible! Are you still on your - I don't remember the name of the drug I'd been taking - "

and I was like, "uhm....no. "

she asks "Why not?!"

I say," uhm...I don't know."

I'm sure she thinks I am one of the stupidest patients she has. In my head, I was trying to remember why. I think we'd gone on one of our healthy eating stints and I figured I could fix it the right way instead of with drugs. Then we fell back into our wicked ways, but by then Alan had changed jobs so we had no insurance. And then... well, time just gets away with me. I suppose it is by the grace of God I haven't had a heart attack. Don't tell Kiki; she's such a worry-wart! So, later on this week I am going in for bloodwork. Sigh. I can only imagine the tongue lashing I am in for. Serves me right I suppose.

The Best-Laid Plans of Men (or women!)

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 22:16:54 GMT

I had it all planned out: Drop Kiki off at the Co-op. Chat with the other moms at our Tuesday morning gab-fest. Drop off loan papers. Go to the market for milk and coffee. Come home and clean, clean, clean. I don't have to pick Kiki up until 5:00 as they have Talent Show rehearsal. It was all good until just before 7am...yeah, it fell apart that fast!! Alan called and said to me "when you are done dropping Kiki off, will you please call me? I need you to take a look at my head." Seems he hit it on the metal roll-up door of a storage shed at work. Oops. He figured he could "walk it off"...you know, that 'guy' thing. My thoughts upon seeing it were more like, uh, no, how about we go see the doctor? .... he was sure I was overreacting. He now has 5 staples in his scalp. I actually know a thing or two, don't I?!

Check it out...it's totally gross!! (I took the pictures because he wanted to see how it looked, but I figured, Hey! Why not share with you all?! You are welcome.

Ha Ha!! Check it out ~

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 19:34:14 GMT

Look at my closet!! Just look at it, will you?? Isn't it lovely? And orderly? Oh, it makes me so very, very happy!

I could just sit in there for awhile....

Of course, if you could just turn around and see the mountain of shoes and clothes that now fill my bathroom just behind you... you'd laugh so hard you'd wet your pants... and that'd be because you'd find it nearly impossible to reach the toilet...guess the word is "impassible", lol. Of course most of the shoes will go back in, now that I found some floor space. At least half the clothes, if not more, will be donated to a thrift shop somewhere. Including a whole lot of what is hanging up; it doesn't fit and I'm not keeping it anymore. If and when I lose weight I can buy new stuff, right? That is my focus today, to clear out the bathroom (you know, when you hit middle age like Alan and I, sleeping thru the night becomes a lost art... there is always almost a trip to the restroom required... and it's rather dangerous, right now... ascending Mt. Everest comes to mind... in the dark...with a full bladder....lol!)

How is it that I can love tidiness and organization so dang much, yet be such a "messie"?? No wonder there is so much chaos in my head!!

Oh, that's just great!!! not...

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 23:28:23 GMT

So I just got this email - from a health and fitness site - yeah, so, how did they find me??! lol. Anyway - there was this article about how in middle-age women, depression and obesity seem to go hand in hand. Being overweight increases your chances of being clinically depressed, and being clinically depressed increases your chances of not being able to lose weight. Great. Either way, I'm just doomed, I guess....'cause I'm clinically depressed and medically obese. Hmmm. Where to go from here??.... well, hey...I did go snowshoeing, right? Two Fridays in a row! Today, after church, Alan and I took a long (hour +) walk with the dog. It's an absolutely gorgeous day! Sunny, warm, - well, it's probably only 50 degrees but that feels downright balmy after the snowy days! I bought a harness for girliedog, and it's really helped... no more tugging my arm out of the socket while walking! Yay! I'm not sure why it works, but I guess I don't care why as long as it does.

I haven't really got anything interesting to say right now....just rambling!

Look what was at the grocery store the other day!! I was all excited, and Kiki just thought I was nutsy... until she got up close and saw that the inside was all 'hotdogged' as well... not to mention she got a free hot dog, soda and chips from them! Isn't that funny?? I didn't know the Weinermobile was still around!

Yow! How time flies, even if you're not having fun

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 18:45:41 GMT

You don't need to ask where I've been...because I haven't been anywhere; just here, at home. Moping, really. I am in a funk, you know? It's Christmas, I suppose. Sometimes it just leaves you sort of blue. It's not because I had some great expectations that didn't come to fruition (I gave up hoping for the horse wrapped in the big red bow years ago!! lol) ... I just think, because I'd been sick the weeks previous so I then had to rush like crazy at the last minute - well, I feel like I sort of missed the "Day". I didn't get enough evenings lounging around the fire staring at the tree and the lights.... Then, right after, my M-I-L came to visit. Don't get me wrong, she's not a "bad" M-I-L.... it's just work, I guess. It seems like we need to do stuff, entertain her.... and then this year, she wanted to buy me the new computer. I am not complaining about that, what I do want to complain about is the actual shopping for it. Holey cow! It would seem the salespeople at the electronics stores are in no big rush to actually sell you something. We walked into so many places, basically "money in hand" like, "I want to buy a computer, and I want it now - what do you suggest?" and we actually had one guy who said, well, some stuff might go on sale tomorrow, maybe you should come back. Seriously!? Then at a different store, we had the guy go thru his whole schpeil (sp?? anyhoo..) because when it comes to computers, I know next to nothing. So I told him what I do, what I want to do, and asked him what I needed. So he sets me up with this whole system, I say 'go for it' then he comes back and says "sorry, that model is sold out." And then as if there is nothing he can do for us....no, "well, how about this instead" or "this is a bit of an upgrade, how about this"....nope, it was just 'that's gone, so go home.' Weird stuff, I tell you. I can also tell you that 2 1/2 days of dragging Kiki through one computer place after another was enough!! I was as sick of it as she was, and I was the one getting the gift!! sheesh.

Well, enough about that. You'd think I'd have been blogging away, but like I said, I'm just having a mood. And please don't be worried that maybe I'm depressed (yeah, I am...duh) because I am already on antidepressants...maybe I need something new? But, the deal is, I'll be okay....

Well, what else is going on? Today I am supposed to be packing up the Christmas stuff. I left it up a week longer because I wanted to enjoy it. But, I'm done now , and the poor tree is beyond dry! Kiki and Alan are out doing "store checks" so ha ha I am blogging instead of cleaning!! As if that would surprise any of you!! It has been really hard getting back into a routine of school and what-have-you. Then, Alan and I made this list of everything we need to change or fix or do differently with our lives this year...yikes. No wonder I'm in a funk. It's totally overwhelming. I should just stay in bed! Which is, I suppose, part of the problem. Laziness. sigh. The less you do, the less you want to do. Vicious cycle and what-not. Then there is the whole "I'm annoyed with my sister again" deal... and maybe it's just because she is skinny and dresses cute and I can't?? As if that's her fault?! I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself - as if that has ever helped anyone!

Well, well, well... an uplifting post from me; the one you've all been waiting for, I am sure! I suppose I ought to go do some of my 'chores' before the crew returns home... I will try not to be so whiney on my next visit - but, "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to" Lol.

I'm a woman on the edge

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 07:52:09 GMT

Two more days have gone by without me blogging or posting or actually, being 'here' at all.... maybe it's because I'm not here at all!! I swear I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Do they even call it that now? What is the proper "P.C." term for completely going out of your mind?? I feel as if I'm in the middle of a tornado, and I'm losing my grip... there is no real reason for this that I can pin down. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel...spun about. I don't know how else to describe it. Poor Kiki, I have little -to-no patience whatsoever. Maybe it's Christmas? It seems like there is soooo much going on over the next few weeks, and I'm not prepared, really. But it's more than that...I feel like...gosh, I don't know how to describe it... like, life is slipping by and I'm just not doing the stuff I want or need. Like teaching Kiki all the stuff I think she should be learning. Doing the extra-curricular stuff to make her a well-rounded person. Feeding her right so she's not such a "well rounded" person. Working on my marriage. Working on...me. I want to achieve something in my life, and I'm not doing it. Whatever 'it' is... It's like, I'm afraid I will wake up and Kiki's tired of waiting for me to do something...like, stupid stuff, she wants us to dress alike but I'm way too fat for that, but if - when - I ever lose weight...well, she's not going to want to match me when she's 15! Not that that is so important, it's just that sort of thing... like I'm running out of time or something.... that 'impending doom' feeling hanging over me. Maybe I just need some sleep....

It's December 1st??!!

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 20:37:19 GMT

Oh - my - gosh!! No, I have not got my Christmas shopping done. I have not bought one gift. Nor have I mailed out my Christmas cards. I haven't even bought cards. I thought about doing some decorating today... then I had a panic attack. Geez. I need to get a grip! I have to tell you, Alan was really sweet...he took me aside and prayed for me. Not his typical reaction.... very nice. Breathe, just breathe..... Okay, I'm good. I think I'll go see if Alan feels like taking me out to dinner.! Hope everyone out there is having a better Saturday!!

Strange happenings...the Witch Dr., part 2

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 20:59:53 GMT

So I went to see the herbalist on Thursday. I have to tell you, that his methods seem strange. How he 'decides' what you need to be taking. I can't see a bit of science in it, but he seems to have had great results with several people I know...so I take it all with "a dose of salt" and see what comes, you know? So he asks me why I'm visiting him, and we talk about the problem I've been having with the bronchitis, pnuemonia, etc. He goes into telling me how very often, unremedied - undealt with - emotions and grief can cause a lot of problems with our respiratory system. That the Chinese have understood this connection for ages. He gives me several examples of people he's treated. Now, you have to understand that at this point, he knows nothing about me, other than the physical symptoms I've told him about. So he asks me, how long have you struggled with this, and have you been having other symptons, like allergies or sinus problems? ... well, yes, and it's just been the last four years...I never had any of these problems before then, and it's been terrible the last four years. Since we moved back here. (and see, I've thought maybe I'm allergic to something here, altho we lived here for 9 years previously and I never had these problems...) "And has anything emotionally hard happened in the last four years?" Uhhh...yeah. We moved back here to help my family, because my little sister was going in and out of the psychiatric hospital. Serious issues. A year later she died, totally unexpectedly, and in a weird way. ( Does that seem hard enough?? ) As I am telling him this, I am sobbing... and honestly, I would have told you I was doing alright. Maybe I'm not so alright?? It gets stranger.... Alan and I have been taking this marriage course, right? The one biggest issue we've had is that our home is a total disaster. I have become a huge slob, to the point of, well, we can't have people over becasue it would be embarrassing. Alan would feel more loved if his home was a sanctuary from the world...but I try, honest, and can't pull it off. And Alan had been saying (before my trip to the herbalist) how it has really just been since we moved here. I wasn't like this before. What is different? After my visit, and I shared this with Alan, we were both like......hmmmm. Weird. Oh, and I forgot to mention...other symptoms according to the dr. were 'foggy thinking' 'unable to focus' 'problems accomplishing tasks'....?!?!?! Oh. And yesterday, I was about to take a shower before church, and I broke out in hives. What the....??? I felt an itch on my thigh, and in 5 minutes it was down both legs, up both sides into my armpits, and down both arms....just two minutes ago, I felt an itch on my knee.... and it's happening again!! I popped some more Benadryl, but I think I'll call the herbalist and ask if it's something in the herbs he gave me....urgh...itchy itchy itchy....

My visit to the "witch doctor" heeheehee ~ Part 1

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 20:12:56 GMT

First of all, it's grey and rainy again. Which I like. Which explains why I didn't mind living in Seattle.

But, to the point of this blog entry. I went to see my herbalist. I took Kiki with me so she'd see he is really just a normal looking, 60-ish man who is very kind. Calling him a witch doctor was probably not the best idea I've had So, in we went, because this cold has been settling into my chest and I really don't want to have another round of pnuemonia. Silly me,eh. $123.00 later, I have some stuff that might help. Ouch. That's even the 'discount' price for clients....yeeesh. He's really into, well, herbs, duh, and Chinese medicines and methods. Well, the Chinese have had some pretty good success at this stuff, so it's to be considered. I'm sick and tired of our Western medical ideas of "cut it or dose it with chemicals." He got rid of my pnuemonia last winter when my MD couldn't. And no side effects!

Oh, shoot....I forgot that I need to run Kiki to the store for a birthday gift and then to her friend's party! I need to go....but, I had an interesting chat with the herbalist that I really want to share. Like where my health problems might be coming from...and it's not germs. might be because I'm crazy.... you all had a pretty good idea of that, didn't ya?!!

More to follow......

Autumn ~ Sickness ~ Marriage ~ stuff

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 02:05:27 GMT

I love fall. I love the crisp cool air and the beautiful changing colors of the foliage. I love the excitement that begins to build because Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the bend.

I don't love this stupid-wicked cold that I have. My throat hurts, my ears hurt, my head feels like it's gonna blow up. On the plus side, I got Alan to take Kiki to AWANAS tonight all by himself... he thinks I am home sleeping, LOL!!! As if. Maybe I will go to bed when I am done here....

Here is something else I do not love. That marriage has to be so freakin' hard. After 23 years, it's still such a struggle. We just started this new class... at $150.00 for 8 weeks.... and after the first chapter of the book I am just pissed off. My head hurts too much to go into the 'whys and wherefores' right now, but maybe I'll tell ya all later. At any rate, I just wonder if it's gonna be worth the effort I have to put in. That sounds awful, I know. It's just... well, later. I'll talk about it later. Because if I try to explain it all now, I will still be here when the troops get home, and I'll catch flak for not being in bed. Which is part of the problem...am I a child?? Is he my dad?? I think not. You could say it's because he cares, but cut the crap then.... just be nice, not demanding.... okay, my head really hurts and getting all riled up isn't going to help, now is it??

I am going to bed, my friends! If my head hasn't exploded by tomorrow, perhaps I'll try to make things a bit more clear....

So the answer is probably 'no'

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 06:12:12 GMT

I went over to my parent's house today, and my mom and I looked up GERD (reflux) in her Mayo Clinic Health Answers book. We read about the surgery, and it said that "many patients don't have symptoms again for as much as 5 years." Wait - This isn't a one time fix?? I could have the surgery (and all that entails and implies) and be back to struggling with the reflux in a matter of just a few years??! Well, call me a cynic, but that seems just plain stupid. Of course, the book also had to say that one of the biggest causes - or, at least, exasperators - of GERD is .... yeah, being overweight. Okay OKAY already, I get it!! Not that I didn't get it before. I think I am a food addict. I know that I am seeking fulfillment in 'being full'. It is that feeling of happiness and pleasure, albeit a very shortlived one. And I am going to be a "shortlived one" if God doesn't help me get a grip.

Poor Kiki...tonight she was getting ready to go to AWANA, and for some silly reason she aparently stepped up on the scale. She weighed more than she expected. She says to me "mama, I really want us to start eating healthy...I really want to be pretty." It's bad enough to be ruining my own health and looks, but it sure isn't fair to be taking my little one down with me.

On a lighter note:

Can someone explain to me why I have to download and install the "Live Writer" every time I want to use it?? Shouldn't that be a one-time deal? Like I've said before, I am techno-challenged.. and this is beginning to irritate me!

Hey, don't you just think my little kitty is a cutie-pie? Big pain-in-the-booty, though, lol!

So far, so good

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 06:33:55 GMT

Alan told me he wanted a big cheeseburger and fries for dinner last night. I said "no way". I am no longer contributing to the insanity. We had soup and salad. Today was a healthy day as well...probably due in part to the fact we really can't afford to go out at this point.... 'cause I really just wanted ice cream! But I actually had to put just 3 gallons of gas in my suv because that was all I could afford.... Kiki is in theatre camp again this summer....and that took most of my gas money.... of course, I still have to take her there....hmmmm....

Which reminds me..... It must almost be my one year "Blogaversary"!! Because I think I started my space here last year when Kiki did Theatre camp! Wow. I better check that out...

We didn't think she was going to get to attend theatre camp this year. She was on the waiting list. I got a call this morning saying there had been a cancellation and could we make it in for the auditions? (we had just gotten up, and we had one hour...and we live over 30 minutes away!) Well, we flew, and we made it. She's pretty excited. That just leaves me to figure out how to pay for it and the gas to get her there and back, not to mention I really need to buy some fruits and vegatables. Oh, well, it'll work out. We haven't starved yet. Obviously.

I think Alan is feeling pretty down. I also wonder if his medication will take some getting used to? The label said it can cause drowsiness, and he takes it 2x day.... tonite he went to bed at 8:30....geez. He's never been a night owl like me, but that's nuts!

Well, I think I will toddle off to bed, since I have to get up early. Maybe tomorrow I'll get to do some blog-walking....!!

Hubby's Health Crisis

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 21:05:22 GMT

Geez, you'd think I didn't care! I forgot to post about this very important bit of life. Alan has been having some heart arrythmia (sp?) - Anyway, it just skips a beat every now and then... fairly regularly. So he went to see the Dr., and she had him do an EKG (came back fine) and he also had to wear a heart monitor for 24 hrs....we'll get the results from that next week sometime. The other bad news is, he has terrible cholesterol numbers, high blood pressure. His heart disease risk is like, I don't remember exactly...something like, if 4.8 is bad, he is at a 6.5... The dude is a walking time bomb. And, he has diabetes. His comment was something like..."Huh, who knew a decade of a high fat, high sugar diet and no exercise could be bad for you?!" (total sarcasm, y'know...) Yeah. We are morons. What else can I say. This has got to be our wake-up call! It's not like it's a disease that can't be helped...we've brought it on ourselves. Please, pray for us. We know what to do. We just aren't good at it. I think we've both been in a depression since his affair (nearly 12 years ago now - get over it, eh??) and we've been "self-medicating" with food. Time to stop!! But we need the Lord's help. Big time.

It's time to take the old grey mare out behind the barn and shoot her

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 07:26:11 GMT

I'm old. I'm worn out. Just one bullet. Oh, fine. At least just turn me out to pasture to live out my remaining days.

I had to go get an xray of my ankle today. It is swollen and very painful, and my doctor thought I might have a stress fracture. I didn't, and I figured I wouldn't....my "bars of iron" bones don't tend to break. I didn't hurt it. I mean, not in an obvious "oh, I've turned my ankle" sort of deal. When we were at the coast, it just began to get more and more painful so by the end of the week I was really hobbling. The doctor said sand can hurt your ankles because you don't have good footing. But where we were, the sand was moist and very well packed. I think it is "stress"...after all, your ankle would be stressed, too, if it had to support the weight of 2 normal-sized female adults 24/7 rather than just one. Of course there is the ongoing weight struggle. And the 'craziness' factor. (as an aside.... I go to this little pharmacy, and the pharmacist is the nicest, nicest man. It's nice to walk into a place where they know you, unlike some big chain pharmacy place. Except that, well, they know every little thing that is wrong with you! He knows I homeschool, and he thinks it's really great. Well, a couple weeks ago, right after school got out, Kiki and I went in there, and he was talking to her about summer, and then to me about how I must really have some great sort of, I don't remember how he put it.... just something about the sort of disposition I must have in order to homeschool...the patience, the organization, the strength of character.... all this as I am paying for my refill of PROZAC!!! Lol. I almost told him "yep, these little babies make it all possible." ) Sooooo.... yesterday at the doctor, I also had her look at this rash on my leg. It's actually on my inner thigh at the very top. I've had it since the 'race for the cure' when my pants were a bit loose and my thighs rubbed together the whole way....yuck. I occasionally get outbreaks of eczema, and I had figured it was just that, but my regular creams weren't making it better. About a week ago I had Alan look at it for me (well, it's not really like I can glance down in my crotch, people!) and he was like "Gross! It's like a brain! Seriously, I've seen something like that in a horror show!" Ooooo-kaaaaay. That's nice, thanks, hon. So, the doc looks at it and.... it's a fungus. Like, you know.... I have ..... jock itch. O-M-G!!!!!!! How totally horrible is that?????? I was like "how do you get that??!!" And she said "just skin rubbing against skin" which makes total sense given how it started. But then I was reading up on it on 'webmd' and it makes it sound like you get it if you never bathe or launder your underwear. (or your jock strap....) I swear to you all, I put on freshly laundered undies every-single-day!! And my jock strap is always clean. eeeyyywww. So, my nice little pharmacist stayed open late to fill my prescription (he's right next door to my doctor, and she called to ask if he would) so, yes, he now knows one more of my 'dirty little secrets'. I hope you will all still be my friends!!

So, yeah, I am just a mess. Ridden hard and put away wet. (that's a horse phrase, by the way, lest you get any weird ideas! You never put away a sweaty horse without rubbing it down first, that's what it means!)

Oh, and here's the kicker..... you know Kiki is off at camp, right? The hubby and I are all alone. The house to ourselves. We went out on a lovely date this evening, then when we got home, I was doing the whole 'webmd' thing...and guess what? It's contagious. Yeah. So Alan was like "sorry, babe, I'm not signing up for that." Which is why he is in bed asleep, and I am still here online. Life is so not fair, lol!!

What the heck..?

Mon, 21 May 2007 06:49:43 GMT

I wish I knew what my problem is. Seriously. Something is wrong with my head. Alan was just saying yesterday, "what's going on with you? In all our years of marriage, you've never been this bad of a housekeeper. What is it?" Well, I wish I knew, bucky....some serious lack of caring? Extreme tiredness? A rebellious attitude? Mental distress? Honestly, it is a concern.... and I don't know. I try, but then get overwhelmed and just give up. It often seems like Kiki is trashing the space behind me faster than I am cleaning, so I can't get ahead. And yeah, I've tried to make her change, as well.....works about as good as changing myself. And once in a blue moon, Alan will help....but those times are so few and far between that it doesn't really add up to much. You know what I want to do? Nothing. Nothing at all. Lie on my lounge chair and soak up the sun. With NO ONE talking to me. Absolute silence. I really want a vacation ~ from my life. From myself, even. How do I accomplish that??

Food for thought ~ the power of the subconscious mind

Thu, 17 May 2007 18:43:59 GMT

Have you ever thought about how powerful our mind is? The stuff that's in there.....wow. I have a terrible memory. I wish I didn't, but what can ya do? A good friend of mine once spent nearly half an hour reminding me of this terrible blind date I'd had in high school. I was convinced she had me confused with some other friend until something finally clicked and I remembered. I haven't yet figured out how to unlock the secret little doors that hold all the information. I know it's in there, however. Do you know how people can totally block bad events, negative memories, things their conscious minds just cannot deal with? So we know it happens. Well, for the last couple weeks, I've been in a huge funk. Now, before that, I was really pulling it together - getting the house clean, getting projects done. Then suddenly, I was feeling overwhelmed, almost depressed. I couldn't figure out why. I was just in this downward spiral, like I was being sucked into some black hole. Suffocating. Yesterday, I was balancing the checkbook (and yeah, that in itself never really makes me happy!) and Kiki was trying to figure out how many days are left of school. She wanted my calendar, which was all the way downstairs - heaven forbid - then she found my old one up here. I told her "honey, that one is 2 years old, I don't know if it will really help you". But she is flipping through it, and finds May. She studied it for a bit, trying to figure out the date (and she seems to have a better grip on what day it is that I do most days). Suddenly, she stops...she looks at me for a few moments, then says "Mom? Do you realize that 3 years ago today is when Aunt B**** died?" Wow. Huh. I hadn't really been thinking about that. Last night, I cried for awhile. I really miss her. Then, this morning, I realized - I feel okay again. The cloud is gone. I've cleaned the kitchen, done some laundry; as soon as I'm done here I am going to work on the office.... It suddenly all makes sense; the depression I was feeling. But I wasn't even aware of it, consciously anyway. Weird.

Race for the Cure ~ part II

Wed, 16 May 2007 19:21:37 GMT

Well, finally! I am going to post the pics....it was a beautiful day, the weather was perfect; sunny and warm but with a cool breeze. They had the biggest turnout ever this year. (thousands, I don't know the exact #, but I believe it was over 13,000!) My mom is a survivor, so that's why we race. Race, hah!! We do the 'shuffle in the crowd' but you know what I mean! Yep, she's a 12 year survivor...she gets to wear the pink t-shirt, and at the finish line they give survivors a pink carnation and a cool medal. Plus, they get extra 'goodies' at the little booths where they are handing stuff out. Kiki hardly complained at all...I was impressed. Even when we had to use the porta-potties. (ick.) It's funny how the runners are finishing when we are still on the first half of the walk! We tried to win the raffle for the pink scooter, but didn't win, dang it. I really need one....$71.00 to fill my gas tank and that'll last me a week....uhg....but, I digress.....anyhoo, I'll put up the pics from race day. I was glad I could be a part of it.

Did you know that men and dogs can get breast cancer also?

Breast Cancer Race Day

Sun, 13 May 2007 04:14:07 GMT

Today was the day! I will give a whole run-down and post some pics tomorrow, but for now just let me say...my foot hurts. I have a bad foot and it's really bad tonight. Not only that, but I have a...rub rash. On my upper thighs. Ow. Waaaah. And yet, I am still alive. It's all good.

The Diet Saboteur ~ AKA my husband

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 18:38:07 GMT

So I'm trying to be serious about losing weight. I mean, c'mon, I'm twice the weight I was when I got married. TWICE. As in I am carrying around a whole other person. All day. Every day. Is it any wonder I am so freakin' exhausted??!! So I put my family on a very restricted eating plan. Well, not Kiki, just Alan and I. For her, I just want to cut out the sweets and junk food. Now, I don't want any lectures about 'proper diet' because I know there's about a million ideas on this...I'm doing what I have to. We have gotten so bad for so long, we just need to rein it in. I understand healthy eating...I was a Weight Watcher for years. (Oh, yeah. I have my Gold Key, Lifetime member...should be revoked, I suppose!) Anyhoo, that's not the point...I'm am being reasonable, just very limited because right now, not being morbidly obese is the goal here. So. And. Over the weekend, Sunday really, I got really sick again - horrible cough, sinuses felt like bursting.... Alan and Kiki go out to kick around, and when he comes home, he brings...cookies. Not the kind he likes - the kind I like! Ummm, thank you?? Then, last night, we go out to buy a scale...no, we haven't had one in years. Could be part of the problem? We went before dinner. But, it took us awhile. Everyone was hungry. I was firm - we are going home to our salad. Alan was like "How about Carl's Jr.? There's Jack in the Box...." "Hey, there's a McD's up ahead..." I was like No. No no no. So I was the bad guy.

Update : Just a few minutes ago, Alan called me. First, to say not to work too hard today since I was so sick over the weekend, he didn't want me to regress (good, 'cause I'm sittin' here on my big fat bahooie typing this, lol!) but then he said, he just wanted to thank me for keeping us on track last night, that he knew we'd all have been sorry and feeling sick had we gotten fast food for dinner. Wow. Every now and then, I get appreciated for what I do right!!

Drawing a line in the sand

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 19:39:58 GMT

This line is actually the entry to my bathroom...NO ONE may cross this line ANYmore!! I have finally had enough... Can I do my business with a little privacy, please??!! I am so done with my bathroom being Grand Central Station while I'm on the toilet! I think these people can take care of themselves for 5 minutes!! Sheeezz.

Going to see the Witch Doctor

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 21:32:29 GMT

Maybe it wasn't quite that bad...I went to see an herbalist yesterday. I am just so stinkin' tired of feeling miserable! The xray revealed nothing...my lungs are clear and normal. Okay, that's great. Yet, I hack up gick?? My doctor said to double up on my reflux meds, as maybe that was the cause of the coughing... I think not. I know what that feels like, and this isn't it. I've always liked this particular doctor, but I think she's grasping now. Well, a friend-of-a-friend goes to this herbalist, and swears by him. I'm not sure his ways of 'diagnosing' are quite...well...normal... but the friend swears the only reason she has her intestines still and not 'the bag' is because of him...and I've gotten good reports from another gal about him as well. I figure it can't hurt me to take some healthy immune-boosting herbs and other stuff....so I spent over $100. yesterday...

Alan and I both have been praying so much, wondering why I've been so sick, and why it's dragging out. We've both gotten the feeling that perhaps the Lord is saying "it's time to quit talking, and really change your lifestyle". Sooo...I am doing something totally different....after all, I am 45 years old and already on 3 different medications...that's crazy. Because, most of my problems stem from poor eating habits. I will certainly keep you informed on my progress. I hope I have some progress.

Don't you just hate that??

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 01:23:40 GMT

This morning, I called my doctor, because she wanted me to let her know if I was still coughing up yellow/green crud after the weekend...and I am. Yeah, that's gross, I know...how do you think I feel?? So she asked me to go in for a chest xray. I asked if I could go in tomorrow, after I drop Kiki off at school. She was like "Can't you go in today? I'd really like you to get it done ASAP." Oh! So then you start to get worried, like maybe it's something serious...so, I went right in. That was before noon. I called the Dr's office at 4:30 because I hadn't heard anything yet, and the nurse said they hadn't gotten the results yet, but they'd call as soon as they did. It is now past 6pm, so I'm thinking they aren't going to call... so, was it really that urgent?? Do these doctors ever think about what they put their patients thru? Great, another sleepless night....even the cough syrup with codeine isn't knocking me out...dang.

Just checking in...

Sat, 13 Jan 2007 01:14:09 GMT

Just popped on to say hello... I'm still sick...feel like crap...I am so tired of this. Took Kiki to Target today, just to walk around as I really haven't left the house in a week, except to the doctors. Had a horrible coughing fit, scared poor Kiki so badly! I almost passed out (all air out, no air in) and she said my face was red as a cherry. Nice. Went home and went to bed, but too much coughing. Doc has me on the nebulizer now. Yay.

Cough, Hack, Wheeze... I need a Healthy New Year

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 02:06:35 GMT

Yesterday, I told Alan I thought I was dying...he said, you know you aren't, you just wish you could. Totally. I am sick of being sick and I have no one to blame but myself. My physical condition is appalling. It's no wonder my body can't fight off any germ that happens to pass by. I went to the Dr. today, and I have bronchitis...which is better than pnuemonia I suppose, but feels basically as crappy. At first she was concerned that I did have pneumonia, but after putting me on the breathalizer (heehee, not really, it's a...a...oh, shoot, I can't think of what it's called, it's this electric inhaler thingy that forces medicine into your lungs to loosen them up so the Dr. can hear them better) anyhoo, I "just" have bronchitis...yeehaw. I am going to be completely honest, here... I am freaking out over the state of my health. Seriously. Lately, I have been looking at older people who are on oxygen, cruising around on their motorized chairs, and thinking "that is going to be me if I don't clean up my act now". It's a horrible thought. I know, I know, it's all up to me...eat right, exercise... I'm not an idiot... I know what needs to be done... I'm just mental... I have issues. If I was, percentage wise, as underweight as I am overweight, I'd totally be anorexic and being rushed to be under a psychiatrist's care. Or I'd be dead; I don't know, can you weigh 65lbs at 5'2" and still be alive?? Yeah, it's that bad....My body is a wreck, and I've been doing the wrecking. I come from a very healthy family. Every time I look at my sister I want to slap her 'cause she's so slender. (as if it's her "fault", I know...) So why does everyone look at me and think "geez, lady, just go on a diet already"...why doesn't anyone rush me off to the shrink?? Because that's what I need, I think. Here we go loopty doo, here we go looopti -dee.... Yup. Soooo, I'm hacking up a lung, and you should hear the amazing, strange sounds that are coming from my throat! It's like, weird, I don't know how to describe it... last night, it sounded like I had a basket full of mewing kitties in my chest. I couldn't sleep, not because of the coughing but because of the cacophany of sounds emanating from my throat whenever I exhaled. It's just...freaky. Oh, my friends, I need you all to pray for me! I seriously need the Lord to jump in here and intervene...it's quite obvious I cannot lose weight on my own strength. I need to do the work to get my "temple" repaired, to renovate... and it would seem the workmen are on strike.

Well, I told Kiki we could lay in my bed together and watch a movie (and, no, I don't have a TV in my room, I am totally against that...but we can play it on the laptop...) "Santa" put a DVD of "Flight of the Navigator" in my stocking (anyone remember that movie?) so we will watch that. I hope everyone is feeling healthier than me!! Take care of yourselves!

A New Day

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 17:44:28 GMT

The sun is shining, the birds are singing... okay, I made up the part about the birds, I don't really hear any, only in my head (the little voices, you know).... I left Alan a note of apology for flippin' out last night....he loves me still, anyway, lol...

I'm going to balance my checkbook now...that should put me in a fine mood!

Am I Headed for a Break-down??

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 08:05:58 GMT

I am beginning to be concerned that there is something seriously wrong with me. We did go get our Christmas tree last nite, a beautiful Noble Fir, about 7 feet tall... very lovely. We saw it, chose it, brought it home and had it up in the stand all in less than an hour. That is a record for us. With no fighting! That usually occurs during the setting-it-up-trying-to-make-it-straight process. We didn't do any decorating last night, we just vegged and watched a movie... I was feeling pretty wiped out. When we got home from lunch at my sister's today, after church, Alan said "you know you better get the tree decorated now, we are having that meeting tomorrow night." Right. The meeting. The one I didn't want to have here. I mean, sure, the house is clean and all that, but I am just all "peopled-out", if you know what I mean. O course, I want the tree decorated... just that old rebellion again, I guess, I don't want to be told it has to be done now. Well, I began; and I hate - despise - no, loathe putting the lights on the tree. This used to be Alan's job, but one time I made the mistake of saying it needed a bit of fixing (yeah - once in 22 years I make a comment) and now that is his excuse to never do it again - because I am "too picky". Grrrrr. Well, I got a bit carried away, and I ran out of lights... and I totally freaked. I went into some kind of frenzy! "How can I finish??!! I have to have lights now !!!" Alan was like "put ornaments on the part the lights are on, then tomorrow get more lights and finish up." I went crazy on him... "You don't understand!! I can't do that!! I don't work that way!! I have to do all the lights first! First!! I don't have time to go get them tomorrow!!! I hate doing this!" Poor guy, he ran out to the nearest store for more lights... one string of which did not work, of course... so I just took the one that worked, and basically tossed it on the tree... I was so done. It had taken me over an hour and a half just to put the lights on. Then, Kiki and I finally started to decorate it, and more trauma was coming...first, Kiki broke one of my very favorite, very old ornaments... I have two...no, I had two very large gold, round ball ornaments that were my Grandma's... I don't remember a Christmas without them. Grandma had several, both silver and gold, and I had the two remaining. It wasn't Kiki's fault; they are probably more than 50 years old, and I remember packing them up last year, and one had several hairline cracks in it... poor Kiki, though, she was devastated. She knows they were special to me. I kept telling her it was no big deal, I knew it would happen soon, but she was so upset. Later on, I knocked another ornament off the piano bench (where Kiki had placed them while unpacking) and even though it just fell a short distance onto carpet, it broke into 3 pieces; one piece which flipped up and when it landed, it fell on and broke another ornament! Geez!! In 20+ years of collecting ornaments I have probably broken one... and I lost three in one night??! Kiki, before this time, had tired of decorating and was watching "Masterpiece Theatre"... a real good production of "Pollyanna", not the Disney version... so, I went and sat with her for a few, to collect my shattered thoughts... a few moments later, Alan walks in and says "uhm, honey? The lights on the tree...well...they all just went out...." CRAP!!! A fuse blew - probably because they say not to connect more than 3 strands together, and I have 8 strands on that stinkin' tree....Alan replaced the fuse, and they work now...but I think we better get an extension cord and split it up 4 & 4, maybe.... I have less than half my ornaments on, but I really don't want to finish it now.... I am just so ticked off, and tired.... so, here I sit, thinking I am on the verge of a total meltdown. I need a vacation from my life. At most, I will get a night's sleep.... oh, well. I am sure tomorrow will be a better day. Except for the meeting... crud. Can it all just stop so I can make it through the Holidays? I love Christmas, I really do, but I feel like I am about to spontaneously combust if something doesn't give. I believe that next year I am getting a fake tree, with lights already on it...

Sorry!

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 08:44:54 GMT

Sorry about the bad attitude! I am better now.

Just Venting (they don't get it!!!)

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 06:40:01 GMT

Alright, it's my moment to gripe, so if you don't want to hear my whining, perhaps this is a good time to move on...go look at my photos or something...!

So, I've already written about my weight issues. It's not a secret. I'm obsessed, addicted...I can't stop eating. I think I have also mentioned that my sister, who is, oh, a whopping 7 lbs. overweight maybe, believes she knows how I feel. She understands what it's like. Crap!! As if!! Now, I have tried to kindly explain that, although yes, I do know how it feels to be just a little overweight (that's where I was most of my life) she simply cannot understand how it feels to be 100+ lbs. overweight. I have tried and tried to kindly tell her to "shut up about it!" but still, she persists. When we are in a group of 3 or 4 gals and they are all talking about how they are dieting - to lose that pesky 5 lbs. - it makes me uncomfortable. Sure, they are smart to work on it now, not to wait until they are in my predicament, but, still... I can clearly remember how I did not talk about how "fat" I was when I was just a little heavy and in the company of quite large people. I remember thinking, gosh, that might make that gal feel bad, so I kept my mouth shut. Do none of these people, my sister and supposed friends, understand how they make me feel? I can cut the friends some slack, maybe they've never really stopped to think about my feelings - but I have tried explaining it to my sister and she just won't stop!!! Then, I made the stupid, stupid mistake of telling her about this website that someone here told me about - "Setting Captives Free" I believe it is... it is where I might be able to get rid of my food addiction... I was rather excited and hopeful about it... now, all of a sudden, she and her friend are going to do this program, and do I want to get together with them and we can all do it together?! No!! No, no, no!! "Neither of you have a food addiction!! What do you not understand about I need this help, not you?!" Why can't she at least try to appreciate my feelings, and accept the fact that she cannot possibly know how I feel, or that her "dieting" with me is not what I need, or want?

I love my sister, and I know she loves me, and is concerned about me... but she is driving me crazy!!!

Thanks, I know I'm beautiful!!

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 21:59:25 GMT

First I'd like to send out a Thank You to everyone who commented on my 'geez I'm fat' post. It is comforting to know that we are not alone in our struggles, isn't it? That is one of many things I have learned in my 45 years on this planet...we are all imperfect human beings, and we all struggle. Even those who may look like they have it all together. I have done tons of growth...no, wait, I mean as in internal, spiritual growth...Haha...over the past couple of years. I have come to fully embrace who I am, how I look, and amazingly enough, I think I ROCK!! I'm a pretty great gal, if I do say so myself. I also like my hair, I like my eyes, and I have a great smile... This really is a big deal...from the time I was a child, I would sit in front of the mirror and say to myself "you are fat, you are ugly, you are stupid." What in the world?? That rotten old satan filled my head - and heart - full of lies, and I bought them hook, line and sinker. I was never a skinny child, but I was not fat at all. I was also a pretty cute kid. I also got all straight 'A's and graduated from Jr. Hi as Valedictorian and graduated High School with honors and in the Scholarship Society...but, I dropped out of College because I knew I was too stupid to ever be able to get a degree. Funny thing is, now that physically I am in the worse condition I have ever been in, the condition of my soul is so much better. I really do like myself! I just know, tho, that I am not healthy and I need to work at becoming so. I have a little girl who depends on having a mama. I was older when I had her anyway, so I need to do better than I have been. Also, my dad, who can be the worst about saying offensive things without meaning to, trust me, he is really good at this...telling me not to eat or whatever...well, the other day he said the sweetest thing to me, and he is not much for letting his emotions show. I was at my folk's place, and I don't remember the issue (because I have lots) but some health thing was going on, and I'd been griping...well, when I was leaving, my dad gives me a big hug and says "please, I just really want you to get your health under control. I already lost one daughter, (my little sis passed away 2 years ago, at only age 33)... I really couldn't go thru that again." Funny how my heart could feel swollen with love and broken all at the same time. So, yeah, I know my family means well...even when I feel like slapping them!