Mama's Midlife Mire: Family Matters

So what did YOU do on the 4th?

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 07:19:49 GMT

We went camping. At our church. In a borrowed-from-work motorhome. Weird. It was the 1st time our church had tried this, so only about a dozen and a half of us showed up to camp.... everyone in tents, but us. So we looked like the snooty rich family. Which is a total joke if you know we are about on the verge of not even being able to afford our house anymore, let alone a pricey play toy....but, the beds were comfy, anyhow. When it got dark (which is about 10:30 around here!) some folks went downtown to watch the fireworks at the University, and some of us hung out at the church where they showed a movie outdoors against the wall in the courtyard. It was fun, actually. Weird, but fun. After the movie, we had a fire and made S'mores. Mmmmm.

Kiki got really bored the first couple hours we were there (by choice, totally.... she had stuff to do, but was in a mood and therefore decided she had nothing to do....arrrgh.) So I finally handed her my camera and said "go find something to take pictures of!" The results are in my photo album. Not bad for her first attempt. Later my sis dropped off my niece, so then Kiki was all hunky-dory again.

Here are some pics of the event:

Here's the RV we took - a used Class C, selling for "only" about $70,000.00..... (at least it's worth less than our house!)

(that's me in the bottom right corner....)

Some interior shots -

This was Kiki's little nook - check out the Bambi pillowcase - that was actually mine when I was little!!

Then the girls hid when I took their picture....

RV News ~ the good, the bad, & the ugly

Wed, 07 May 2008 06:00:26 GMT

The good news is: Alan was salesman of the month for April! Yay him! That means he sold the most RV's for the month. And he was only selling for three weeks!

The bad news is: That corresponded to very little commission. It's not how many you sell, it's how much profit there is in each unit. He made some really good deals for some customers... but, the better the deal for them, the worse it is for him, which kind of sucks. His paycheck for this month? Less than half what he was making in his old job... and we were barely making ends meet then. So...how??? I dunno.

& the ugly news is: Finding out your bosses are sort of the weaselly type of characters you always suspected 'car salesmen' to be. Alan has integrity. It's part of who he is. This makes being a salesman hard. Because to be a "good" salesman, you sort of have to talk people into stuff they don't want, or can't afford...or twist the truth abit. Like, the new finance guy told him "hey, units a., b. and c. are on sale." Alan - Oh, good, for what price? "Well, just tell your customer it's $3000 higher than the sticker, then offer it to them at the sticker". What??!! Alan will so not do that! Because he is honest. Because we hate when salesmen try that slimy stuff on us. We both sort of had a feeling it would be this way... because that's how the business is...they are in it to make money. End of story. I guess he hoped it would be different with this place, somehow.

Here is how Alan is looking at the whole deal: "God has a plan. For whatever reason, this is the only job I could find. For whatever time period God wants me here, I will do my best - while being honest and holding to the Lord's standards of how I should treat people. I will not lie, I will not be a weasel. If the Lord wants me to make a living at this, He will sent the right customers my way. If this is not the job for me, God will send me another opportunity."

He has such a great attitude toward this! He is just totally resting in the Lord. The same cannot be said about me! I am pretty much FREAKING out about how we are ever going to pay our bills without coming out the other side in serious debt, which we just took ages to get out of. You know me; I'm a bit negative - sure, I totally believe God is in control. I believe He will do what is best for me - for my "character"....not necessarily what I think is best. I mean, God has always been in charge... uhm, my marriage fell apart once, we've been in bankruptcy once, had more than one car repossessed over the years.... I mean, sure, it was usually because of bad choices on the part of at least one of us if not both...but, well, how do I know what God has planned?? Is it to provide well, or is it to let us show others how to react well when you lose everything?? Lol, okay, I'm not that messed up - yet - but, well, my mind runs there sometimes. I'm trying, honest.

On the lighter side:

Kiki and I were waiting for our turn at a place today, and we were having a discussion. She was just arguing with me to argue with me (too much like her dad ) and I called her on it - she was like, yeah, I just enjoy it. I told her "well, you'll do good when it's time for debate class." Her reply? "Yeah, all I'll have to do is pretend the other person is you."

RV Selling Update

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 23:37:13 GMT

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

(Okay - first - I found my way back to the English language. Which is quite helpful.)

Alan really likes his job. He has sold 5 units already! In 2&1/2 weeks! Which actually isn't good if you've been at it awhile, but really good for a newbie. He's really happy with what he's doing. (really really really - geez, is that the only word I know???) How do I like it?? Maybe not so much. Here is the problem .... when hired he was told he'd be salaried for the first couple months 'til he was up and running. Of course he didn't get that in writing! In fact, when I asked how much that salary would be he couldn't give me a number. Sometimes he makes me crazy, but that's a whole different blog! Well, turns out he was misinformed - by the finance manager, who got fired a couple days ago. Hmmm. No, he's straight commission. N--ice. He doesn't even know what commission will be on the units he's sold.... the total isn't done until the sale is completely done (it's all based on how much $$ is actually made on the deal, etc.) So, our pay for next month could be - I have no idea. Maybe not even enough to pay our mortgage. Alan is completely okay with this... he's just trusting God. Which is awesome, really...but me, I am freaking out!! Pray for me! Because I have a major tummy-ache.

Alan's New Job

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 20:27:24 GMT

In my last set of comments, Caty mentioned that I hadn't said anything about Alan and his new job...what a slacker I am, huh? Sorry for the news blackout! Well, it's going great! The best news is that he seems to really like it! Every evening I am regaled by stories of fabulous motor homes that we will never be able to afford, lol! Really, some people have way too much expendable income! Although, earlier today I was reading about private jumbo jets that run people in the multi-millions, so I guess these little ol' $80,000.00 motor homes are just pocket change deals!! They have granite counters, fireplaces, outdoor big flatscreen t.v.s.... I'm not making this up! He sold his first RV this week! His first week of selling! So, that's good. It'll be up to God to send enough buyers his way that we actually make enough money to pay our bills, but at this point I am just totally happy that Alan is coming home from work in a good mood! You can't put a price on that. His hours have shifted quite a bit; he goes in later so he doesn't get home until after 6pm, and he has to work on Saturdays, so he has Friday off instead. So we're having just the usual 'need to get used to the changes' going on, but since Friday is a homeschool day, we can still go out and have fun as a family, and then we'll just do our lessons on Saturday. That's the plan.

Anyhoo, that's what's up with the 'RV Salesman' as of today!!

The Chair (a bit of prose, for my sister)

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 04:32:53 GMT

Here is the thing I wrote, about my sister, that I spoke of in my earlier post.

The Chair by me

It began life as an ordinary wooden rocking chair. Simple, plain, unadorned. Maybe a mother rocked her babies to sleep in it. Perhaps a grandmother sat in it to do her knitting. Or an old man, eyes closed, gently rocking and remembering days long passed.

A broken runner threatened to end its life. Tossed carelessly aside in a dumpster, forgotten. Its salvation came in the form of a young father. A dumpster diver extraordinaire; a talent I both admire and am disgusted by. He took it home to his wife, a talented young woman, a rescuer of broken things. Broken chairs, broken animals, broken people. Her small menagerie included a dog with a deformed tail, a parrot with a crooked beak, a three-legged cat. Her circle of friends included people who I (to my shame) would not have given the time of day to. The odds and ends of humanity: a freakishly tall and thin young man, painfully shy, so strange he frightened me. A few people I am reasonably sure lived under a bridge somewhere. She would rescue them, welcome them into her home, and do what she could.

And so she did with the chair. She sawed off the runners so that it became a rather short, stationary chair. She sponge painted it in bright blotches of cheerful colors to match her infant daughter's bedroom. Gave it new life.

The chair sits in my bedroom now. It is the perfect height to sit in to tie your shoes or paint your nails. The colors don't really match my decor but I can't bear to paint it. It reminds me of her - a woman who saved others but who, in the end, couldn't save herself. Her daughter, now twelve, remembers the chair. It is, after all, hers. I hope when she is grown she will want it back. I want her to have it. To sit in it, to remember. If she forgets, I will tell her. I will never forget.

Remembering my little sister

Sun, 07 Oct 2007 04:18:43 GMT

Today would have been my little sister's birthday. She'd have been 37. She died a little over 3 years ago. I guess it gets easier with time....I don't know, really, if it does or not. Maybe somedays yes, somedays no. It seems so strange. I miss her a lot, but I miss the person she was before the mental illness took over. She was - different. She was smart...genius, really. Amazing. She had the greatest sense of humor; twisted, maybe, but hilarious. She was a great animal lover, like myself. Except she always was out rescueing the ones that she figured no one else wanted...the three legged dogs and paraplegic cats, one-eyed rats. She loved her kids, especially her first born...I think that's because that one came along when my sister was still, well, herself. If you've never loved someone with a mental illness, well, you just don't get it I guess. For that part of her, I'm glad she got to leave this planet. She was so miserable at the end. But I never thought it would be the end. We all prayed for healing...but we meant... here. Guess she had to go to Heaven for her healing. Not fair for those of us left here without her. I feel guilty for all the childhood years that I was angry at her for being born. (because she took my 'place' as the baby of the family. my parents didn't do a good job of 'integration' I guess...) We talked about it as adults; I know she forgave me. But still. It sucks.

Happy birthday, sis. I miss you so much. See ya on the other side.

Warning!! Warning!! Vent in progress!!

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 09:19:15 GMT

I am soooo irritated! However, at this point I am not sure if I am more irritated with my sister, or with myself. First, a disclaimer: I love my sister. She's a good person. With good intentions. Recently however, she has been annoying me. Last fall sometime, she found a new friend. My sister, well, all of our lives, she's claimed that we are great friends, but if she has some other "great friend" I tend to get left behind. It's just how it is, and most of our younger years it didn't matter. She had her group of friends and I had mine. I didn't want to hang out with her weirdo pals, honostly! As we've gotten older, though, we've gotten closer. With both of us having little girls close in age, and with the death of our younger sister, you just sort of realize how important those family ties are...at least, I thought that was the case. But maybe it was just because she didn't have other friends? I've really been put on the back burner this past year. Not only that, but she's gotten...well, I don't know how to explain it....she's 'weirded out', it seems. Maybe I'm partly jealous...she's lost a lot of weight (even tho she didn't have much to lose) and she looks good, and has bought a bunch of new clothes. Okay, sure, I'm the one who needs to lose the weight... but, more annoying is her constant whining about how they are so poor and she "hasn't had a new coat since 1995..." What-ever. She has way more clothes and shoes than me...and I don't begrudge her a bit, but shut up already! I realize that part of my anger with her is because our daughters are having a hard time getting along, and it is mostly because her girl can be really unkind to Kiki...like, tonight...she was supposed to come spend the night, but then her big brothers and some friends were going out to do some fun stuff, and she wanted to go with them, and they said ok..(good big brothers, I never wanted my little sis hanging around!!) so, she didn't come over. And poor Kiki cried. Now, the fact that our girls struggle with each other isn't really my sister's fault. But I can get all 'Mama Bear' about it, you know? Then, there is the way she has gotten so slack about her older children's behavior. (they are 19 & 21) They are doing things that just aren't cool, and she appears to be okay with it...in fact, she is somewhat defensive of their 'antics' when it is brought up. And the way she is with her stinkin' cell phone!! Good grief, she texts as much as her kids do, and she's texting to them and their friends! Her 2nd teen-hood?? The other night, Kiki's birthday celebration, she and her family were over half an hour late....because some of her kid's friends showed up, so she made them dinner.... that just doesn't seem cool to me, when we expected them.... but she always wants to be involved in everything so she will disrupt other's lives so she doesn't have to miss anything.

Then there is the money business. Like I said, it's constant whining...'poor, poor me.' I don't think they are any worse off than Alan and I are. Not that we are rolling in the dough, but I don't gripe. If we need something, we figure it out. If we can't do it, well, we are still alive, aren't we. When Kiki wanted to go to camp, we figured out how to pay for it...My sister, on the other hand, cried to the Children's ministry leader and got a scholarship for her Jr. Hi schooler to attend his camp.. Last year, I didn't go to the Women's retreat at church because we just didn't have the money... she gave her sob story to the gals in her Bible study and she got a scholarship so she could go. Now, if you are truly a hardship case, I don't have any problem with that... that is what the scholarship funds are for. But, not for people who went on a European vacation last summer, do ya think?? We all make our choices, so why does she think she is above having to make cuts?

So, here is the 'real deal'. Her oldest son is heading back out of state to college this weekend. She asked me if I would drive him down with her....now, under the premise "it will be so good to have some time together, just the two of us" but, I have the bigger, reliable car. She is afraid to drive hers that many miles. I told her I'd go, and we could take my car, but she'd have to pay all the gas...my SUV is a gas hog, and I simply haven't got any extra $$ just before school starts. So I am really mad at myself for saying I'd do it. I don't feel like it. But, I feel like maybe she and I need to have a heart-to-heart. I am asking you, my friends, to pray for me this weekend... I need to have a serious talk with her, but I want to do it with love and kindness, not out of a jealous or angry spirit.

Ah..survival of the birthday feels good

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 18:27:29 GMT

I made it through! I am officially another year older, and yet, I am still alive! I am hoping to make some good changes, health-wise, in this next year. I'll let ya know how that works out for me! I completely lazed out yesterday... I fell asleep out on my lounge chair in the sunshine...lovely, I tell you!! Didn't even really hear Alan mowing right around me... he sent me a boquet of flowers earlier in the day, now how sweet is that?! We went out for dinner and then ice cream last night...yep, it was a lovely, lovely day.

Now, back to reality. It is time to concentrate on Kiki's birthday - hers is exactly one week after mine. (She was actually due on my birthday, but I knew that as the mom, that situation would be a total ripoff for me! So glad she came late!!) This year, she is inviting just her one "BFF" (lol!) and they are having a "salon day" at a local 'kids only' salon and spa...heehee... should be fun.

That said, I should run...I waaay overslept this morning (thank you Excedrin pm!!) and we've got alot to accomplish today...sigh... I'd rather have another day of lazing, but you really can't do that all too often, I suppose.

The 50th Anniversary Party

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 16:52:59 GMT

I nearly forgot to post about this! The party on Sunday went very well. We held it in my parent's back yard, so thankfully it did not get quite as hot as expected. It was very warm, but not unbearably so. Kiki got to use her 'bossiness' in a good way, as she led arriving guests around to the side gate. She mentioned to someone that "50 years is a big deal - most people get divorced or die first." LOL. We did a garden theme, so we cleaned up my mom's potting bench to put drinks on, and used the plastic tub in it for ice. My sister used to be a florist, so she made some amazing arrangements for all the tables. We had some out under a tree, and we hung lots of little 'pretties' in the tree, and the food turned out good also. We had just the right amount of guests....you never know when it's an Open House type deal, but there were plenty of my parent's friends but not crazy crowded. Which was nice, because a lot of the guests came and stayed the whole time. It was fun for my parents, and that, of course, was the whole point! We put up a bunch of old photos of "50 years of life together" and we all got a big laugh at the way the car and motorcycle pics outnumbered family pics! My dad is obsessed. I believe my inheritance would be much, much greater if they hadn't spent all their income on autos! lol. Afterwards, I washed dishes until I wanted to puke... but, yet, I am still alive! It was interesting how many people seemed truly impressed that my sister and I gave this party for my parents.... I mean, of course we would do it! Would many children not do this for their parents? Because it sounded like we were doing something so impressive, and yet I cannot imagine not having done it...??! Anyway, it was fun, it worked out great, I am glad it's over....!! Now, I can clean my own house... (hahaha - as if)

For the Love of my Family

Wed, 16 May 2007 20:02:44 GMT

Perhaps I should have titled this "Oh, Rats!!". You may remember that one of Kiki's rats hurt it's leg a while back, but it healed up on it's own. We---lllll..... Last Saturday, we noticed that same rat limping again; this time on a back leg. On closer inspection, we saw she had a little cut on her foot. Hmm. I don't know what she's doing in there! Well, by Sunday, the cut was healed but her foot was a little puffy. By Monday morning, the poor things' entire leg and foot was so swollen it looked like it would burst at any moment! She was miserable as well, poor creature. So we took her to the vet. Oh - my - gosh. $95.00 later.....!! For a rat! She had a raging infection, so she got a shot of antibiotics, plus I have antibiotics I am giving her at home as well as a painkiller and anti-inflammatories. Sheesh. It seems a little crazy to spend that kind of money on a rodent, and yet, she's our pet. We took on a responsibility to care for her to the best of our ability. I take that seriously. The vets and techs were super nice. I've never taken in a little creature like that before, fortunately I had gotten a recommendation after the last injury, so I knew where to take her. They truly acted as though she was a pet worthy of treatment and care. I can't believe Alan didn't pitch a fit! However, he did put the kee-bosh on my plan to get another dog! Guess I can't blame him, we can only afford so much! We've already promised Kiki a kitten when school is out, which is, like, in a week. We really can't get two more pets, I know. I've tried talking Kiki into a puppy instead of a kitten, but she's not having any of it. Shoot. I'm just more of a dog person....I've had lots of wonderful dogs in my life, and a couple of nasty cats....oh, well. She'll learn! No, I'm praying we find a kitty who turns out to be a great cat. Personally, I don't know of many who fit that term, but I have known a couple....maybe we'll get lucky. Ultimately, I think I need to find a little job. We are just struggling a bit, and I don't see how it'll change anytime soon. It's hard to survive this economy with only one income, and homeschooling....I still have to pay the taxes for public school, but I don't get anything out of that...I have to buy all my curriculum, and pay for "physical ed" type stuff, etc. It's pricey, especially since we pay a nice chunk each month for the co-op as well. Totally worth it, don't get me wrong...it's just getting really hard. Gas is still going up, our health insurance just went up....yikes. Somethings gotta give! But it won't be the pets, as you can tell. We just love them...not to mention we love the child to whom they mean so much.

Race for the Cure

Wed, 09 May 2007 07:43:17 GMT

Last night my mom and dad came over for dinner. (Yeah, my house got cleaned up...at least the main living areas.) My mom brought over Kiki's and my T-shirts for the breast cancer run/walk that is taking place this Saturday. I had totally forgotten about it. Uhg. What was I thinking?? I am in such bad shape; I hope I just don't die. We did it last year, but I feel even worse off this year! For my mom's sake, tho, I love to participate, as she is a breast cancer survivor. Of course it makes me feel pretty lame that my 75 year old mom could totally outlast me on this little jaunt... she's totally in better shape than me. My sister is, too; I am just the token fattie in the family....well, c'est la vie. This is the first year I'm taking Kiki...hope she doesn't whine too much!

Pray for me!!!

Strangeness in Google land.....do you ever look on your "stats" page, and see that someone found your space as the result of a Google search? That in itself doesn't bother me; sometimes it's had to do with homeschooling or horses, or you know how it's just an odd combo of words that really had nothing to do with their search at all. What bothers me, though, is sometimes someone has found their way to my site when it is pretty clear what they were trying to find, was, well....the four letter "P" word. I don't even want to spell it out because then who knows what perv is gonna show up. Anyway, that annoys me.

Should I feel bad about this?

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 20:02:08 GMT

My family is a bit out of the ordinary I believe, in that we don't have a lot of ex's and extra sets of parents and grandparents and what-have-you. Which I used to think was normal, but I think now it's actually a bit 'abnormal' to be a single marriage type of family. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that we are this way! This has shifted a bit now though, as my brother-in-law got remarried (the one who'd been married to my sis who passed away) and his new wife is divorced and has a son from the 1st marriage. Okay, but here is where it gets sort of...strange. The ex-husband (who is supposedly a giant, alcoholic loser...but that's only the ex-wife's point of view, so it's hard to know, right?) anyway, he has pretty much full custody of the son, and she has to pay child support. Like I say, I have no idea what the real story is, so I don't lose sleep over it...although, this son is a horrid kid (probably not his fault, poor thing) but I do worry about him possibly harming my nieces in some way (they are younger and quite a bit physically smaller than him)...so I'm actually glad he isn't with them alot. Now, my b-i-l and wife never seem to know when they will have the son, and so can't really plan on him...again, not quite sure how this custody works, because it seems like lots of times they think they will have him, then supposedly the ex-husb. changes his mind....Again, whatever, not my issue, but here is my question.....

Last Friday afternoon, my mom called and told me that "possibly" we would be having a birthday party for M. (the son) if he actually came over on Saturday. Kind of late notice, but alright. Let us know. Then I didn't hear....until 11am on Saturday (and I never was contacted by the actual family, always thru my mom) - that M. did get to come to his mom's, and they were having a birthday lunch for him at a local restaurant. (Local for them - they live in a different town, but not terribly far away) Well, by then we'd made plans, plus we'd planned on taking him a card with a little money in it, but we sure didn't have enough money to also go out to eat... so, we just sent our regrets with my mom, and we didn't go.

Part of me thinks, hey, they can't just expect us to drop everything and come running because they make some last-minute plan. But on the other hand, if they can't plan ahead, well, not the boy's fault, and mostly I don't want to cause a rift because, even though I am no longer actually related to either of the parents in this scenario, my sister's kids are still my nieces and nephew (and Kiki's cousins) and I don't want to do anything to harm those relationships.... so, should I take over a card for M. to my b-i-l and his wife? Would that be the right thing to do?

A Clarification on the "Clothing Issue"

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 17:56:29 GMT

By the comments I've received, I think I led you all to believe that I dress Kiki in little frilly dresses with lace bloomers or something! Trust me, she is very strong willed and opinionated, and she has been choosing her own outfits since Kindergarten. She definately has a style of her own, even if there are days you can't really figure out what that style is! (She would wear her pink Phat-Baby roper boots with everything if I let her, but that is more lazy than style-conscious...she hates tying shoes!) For the most part, I let her wear whatever she has chosen for the day (and she always shops with me, and chooses the items she wants) unless the outfit is just totally wrong for the event, or she looks really bad - like, a tight t-shirt and tight pants just don't work together for her, and I try to find the kindest possible ways to tell her another combination might be more flattering... Yes, when we shop I try to sway her toward items that I consider appropriate for her age and body shape...skin-tight polyester just doesn't cut it for her. And, as someone alluded to in a comment, I won't let her dress like a mini street-walker, and I can't understand parents who do. Beyond that though, she can choose and wear what she wants, and she has been for a long time. She has always been the one who doesn't want "belly shirts" or to dress "like a teenager". So, it's not that I am unwilling to let her dress 'fashionably' or whatever... it was more an issue of why all of a sudden does she care so much that she is "cool", and what is it that she thinks makes the other kids "cool"? It was just that deal, that, I have tried so hard to raise her to be her 'own' person ... I guess I wasn't ready for her to be at that stage, as someone else said, that she wants to "be her own person" by "being like everyone else". I know, we all went through it at some point ...it's not some slam against my parenting...hey, cut me some slack, I've been sick for practically a month, I guess I've been feeling a bit sensitive!! Does that all make sense? I think the drugs I'm on are making me ramble...a bit....sorry!!

Chicken Soup and other Forms of Love

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 21:27:25 GMT

I apologize for being a total slacker on my blogging, however, I think you'll forgive me when I say this is basically the first time I've been out of bed in the last 4 days. This bronchitis really has me down for the count! I'd actually be sleeping right now, but I haven't figured out how to sleep in a room where I am not... the wheezing is driving me nuts. Alan has been sleeping on the couch for a couple nights now, and Kiki even deserted me last night...poor thing, she was all apologetic because I kept waking her up, and she wanted to go sleep in her own bed! She crawled back in with me about 4am, though. And started asking if I was going to pack her a lunch in the morning, and could she have a PB&J...!! Shheezz. Kiki spent all day with my parents yesterday, mom even helped Kiki do her schooling...then, they brought both Kiki and Girlie home (yeah, the dog went to Nana and Papa's to play, too!) and my mom brought me a huge pot of chicken noodle soup she'd made just to make me well! It was so sweet! (and delicious, too; my mom makes a killer soup!) We'll be eating it all week, she made so much! I really hope it does the trick. I have so much I need to do, and I am doing absolutely nothing. Alan said next week when he gets paid, we are doing all our grocery shopping at the health food store - he's as tired of our poor health as I am, I guess. Well, good for us, eh? Alan has been pretty good about taking care of things around here so I can just rest - I'll give credit where credit is due. Girlie has basically spent the entire time in bed with me...I'm not sure if it's because she's worried about me, or just loves the excuse to sleep on my bed! Either way, she's a good cuddler.

Epiphany ~ This year, I was going to have a big Epiphany Feast and start a tradition in my little family of honoring Epiphany. Of course, I was sick as a dog on Saturday, so that didn't really happen. We did a little Epiphany story reading though, both out of the Bible and a little 'new rendition' that I found, so at least it didn't go by completely unnoticed, even if I didn't get to do it up the way I'd hoped. Maybe next year. I did make a very lame version of a King's Cake...next year I am splurging the $35/40. and having one shipped from a New Orleans' bakery!

Husbands ~ who can figure them out?

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 04:07:38 GMT

This morning Kiki asked me if her cousin Dani could spend the night - I said sure. When Alan heard, he had a bit of a fit..."this place is far too messy blah blah blah..." First off, it's not that bad. Second, excuse me for being sick for the last 3 weeks. He has a bit of an attitude about having to do anything around the house now that I "just stay home all the time". I am so not going to get into that right now! Anyway, while he ran into work to conduct an interview, Kiki and I cleaned the house. It took less than two hours; like I said, it was not that bad - I mean, that's tidying, dusting, vacuuming, the whole deal. When he got home, did he say "oh, great, it looks nice in here" or "gee honey, I was going to clean it, since you're sick"??? NOOOO.... he has the nerve to be totally ticked off at me because I am sick and what in the world was I thinking, working all day? Trying to make myself even sicker? Yep, that's my big ol' plan, buddy. I thought I'd save myself being grumped at about him having to clean house, but instead I just traded that for being grumped at about working while sick. Here's the kicker - he wouldn't have cleaned the house for me... he would have just told Kiki her cousin couldn't come over, and the house would have continued to sit dirty until I got up and cleaned it. You can't win!! Then ....Alan went out to take the Christmas lights down. We have multi-colored lights, except on the arbor over the walk to the front door - those are white twinkle lights. I was thinking it would be rather nice to leave those white ones up for the rest of the winter, but didn't say a thing about it, figuring it would just be a rolling of the eyes and "then I have to do this twice" sort of reply. But, a bit later, he comes in and asks me "would you like me to leave up those white twinkle lights on the arbor? That might look kind of pretty for the rest of winter." Why are men so weird???

One Family's Treasure Should Not Be Another Family's Trash

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 23:21:44 GMT

Pardon me for being irritated...or maybe just saddened... For anyone who's read my blog for awhile, you know that my younger sister passed away a couple years ago...well, it'll be 3 years this spring...anyway, my b-i-l has since remarried. My mom, dad, and I had a good little talk about some stuff on New Year's Day when I was just hanging out there with them. What was weird was my dad actually participating in this... he tends to use the "stuff it and ignore it" approach to things that upset him - which would explain the stomach pains he suffers from - Well, here is the deal, and I haven't got any good ideas as to what can be done about it. First of all, my s-o-s-i-l (sort of sister in law) is totally redecorating the house... now, I don't begrudge her doing this. It is her home now, and she shouldn't have to live with someone else's decorating tastes. I wouldn't want to have my home decorated the way my sis did hers; it's not my style, either. The problem, for me, is her disregard for the stuff she is removing. I understand in a way, I mean, she didn't know my sister, so it means nothing to her, and the stuff is just stuff... but for my family, well, it was my sister's stuff. For instance, a very large, expensive framed print that my sis had in her living room - her main piece of art. I used to work in an art gallery, and our "Christmas Bonus" was being able to choose any print at all that we carried, and have it framed the way we desired. One Christmas I chose that particular one for my sister, because she had been admiring it. I remember how thrilled she was to get it, and how she cherished it. The last time I was over at my b-i-l and s-o-s-i-l's house, she showed me a few new things she'd bought, then pointed to that picture and said "That thing goes next. I can't stand that awful picture." Geez, okay, so it's not her style, but it's not awful... it's a wildlife print, it's not like it's something offensive! Like I said, I don't blame the gal for wanting to decorate her home in her way... I guess, maybe she could be a bit more sensitive to the way she says things to the family of the woman whose home she is taking over. Is that too much to expect? The other problem is family heirlooms. You know, when you have something in your family, and you pass it down to a child, you basically assume it will be in your family for...well, forever. And those things mean something special because they are family heirlooms; not because they are worth a particular amount of money or anything. So, there are things in that house now that belonged to my great-great grandmother; for instance a table that my great-great grandfather built for her out of a tree that he cut down on their farm... and, we'd really like it back. To my s-o-s-i-l, it's just an old table that fits a certain corner of the house, so she's kept it, so far. My parents don't really care that she has it for now, because they feel like they shouldn't just go "hey, give all our stuff back!" because, my parents are far too kind for that...but, they do worry that she will one day give our family heirlooms to someone else, a friend or family member on her side of the family, when she no longer wants them...then they will be gone from our family forever, and that seems very wrong. I suppose we ought to talk to her and my b-i-l about this, but the problem there is, she's hard to understand. She seems very nice, and understanding, but she has given my mom the 'silent treatment' a time or two for little things done that aparently annoyed her, and my mom doesn't want to do anything that will harm her ability to have a relationship with her grandchildren. Sigh. It's just a screwy situation. One of those "life sucks" deals. One reason out of a bajillion that I wish my little sister hadn't died. It just hurts. It's like something that will never really end; well, of course not, you never get over the loss of someone you love so much, but I mean, it's these little reminders that I wish didn't keep coming up... 'salt in the wound' sort of things....I'll probably be the one who has to bring this up with them...my mom never will, and I can understand that. I better do a lot of praying, to soften hearts beforehand.

Santa Claus ~ To Believe or Not To Believe, That's the Question...

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 09:11:58 GMT

When Kiki was born, one of the "Big Discussions" Alan and I had was "Do we try to make her believe in Santa?". This has seemed to be a bigger issue than I would have ever imagined. It's just Santa, for cryin'-out-loud. I mean, I believed when I was little, and I'm not warped. Uhm, well, okay, yeah I am warped, but it wasn't because of Santa. I really wrestled with this... because, I didn't want her to miss out on the mystery and magic that is a belief in Santa, but I also didn't want to spend 5 or more years convincing her, only to tell her later... "Just kidding. It's a lie; I made it all up." Someone once said they didn't want their kids to then believe Jesus was all just make-believe as well. Which to me, seemed a bit overboard, I mean, I didn't get confused over that issue...but, well, hmmm. I also heard about a lot of people who were simply devastated as a child when they found out the "truth" about Santa. It really rocked their little kid worlds. That seemed a little sad. When I was a kid, I don't really remember my parents making a big deal about Santa, but we did leave out milk and cookies for him, and my mom always had at least one gift with a "from Santa" tag on it, and she always bought special "Santa" designed Christmas wrapping paper that only those gifts were wrapped in. When did I learn the truth? I don't know. I think it was a gradual realization... like, if that great home-made easel came from Santa, what in the heck was dad doing out there in his workshop all month long while he wouldn't let us in?? How come Santa's handwriting looks just like mom's? I don't remember being upset... we just kept playing along, thinking it was fun to be a part of the secret. Then the year came my sister and I decided that Santa should fill stockings for mom and dad, not just us...so we made the cheesiest stockings ever... which my parents use to this day...!! Well, we finally opted out for the truth. We told Kiki all about the legends of Santa, St.Nick, different ones around the world - we took her to see Santa if she wanted to (at first she did not want to; she has never been thrilled with people in costumes). We've pretended about him, and left out milk and cookies, but she has always been "in the know" so to speak. Sometimes, I felt bad, like maybe I've cheated her out of something, but you know what? The magic, the wonder, it's been there anyway. In her mind, she still believes it somewhat, I know she does. She has sat on 'Santa laps' that she thought looked totally fake; she has sat on laps of some she was pretty convinced "could really be the real Santa, mom"... and I'd just smile and say "maybe", and she'd play along... A couple years ago, she asked me if I'd start putting out a present "from Santa", and so I do. Well, the sweetest thing ever happened today. When I brought in the mail, I saw a letter for Kiki with my Mother-in-law's printing on the front. I almost blew it by hollering "Kiki, grammy sent you a letter" when I noticed that it was a "letter from Santa". The postmark is from "Santa Claus Indiana" (which is very funny). I gave it to Kiki, and she asked "who's it from" and I said "well, I think it's from Santa". As she looked at the envelope, then read the letter, her eyes just grew bigger and bigger! She kept repeating "holey cow, holey cow!! Is this really from Santa?!" Well, it's not from me, I told her. "Who did this? Did you and daddy?" No, babe, it wasn't us... "holey cow...Holey COW!! Maybe...maybe there is a Santa!" It was so fun to be able to honestly tell her that "for reals" it wasn't dad, or me, and no one at all had told me anything about it...! She read it over and over. She did say at one point "hey, doesn't this look like grammy's handwriting? But, no, it couldn't be, because then it would have her return address on it, and it doesn't..." Oh my gosh, it was just so sweet! She actually put the letter in a picture frame, (that had held a pic of her dad and I!) and set it up on her nightstand. I can't wait to tell my m-i-l what an impact the letter had on Kiki!! She will be thrilled, I know. I wonder, what sort of monster have we let out of the bag with this, eh? Nah, I know she has the truth, but she also has the thrill, the wonder, the joy.... the magic of Christmas. Who could ask for more than that?

Thanksgiving Recap

Sun, 26 Nov 2006 04:21:56 GMT

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving. My sister's home was decorated so beautifully...you know that old saying "you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear"? Well, my sister could. She can take a pile of old stuff and it ends up looking like she spent a lot of money. The food was wonderful - I may not be much of a cook, but my mom and sis do a good job. I made rolls, (for the kids I made the rolls turkey-shaped, they were really cute!) a pumkin-gingersnap dessert and an apple crisp with a shortbread crust...they were all quite good, if I do say so myself. We had all the family, plus a few spares...we always have room at the table for those who haven't got a place to go for one reason or another. I think my attitude towards my 'sort-of-sister-in-law' is softening a bit...she's doing some pretty good things for the kids, including my nephew who has 'attachment disorder' difficulties (he was adopted at 2 yrs old, then my sister died just a couple years later.) I was worried that my 'S.o.s.i.l' wouldn't even think about or understand about his issues, but it turns out that she is working with someone else who has gone thru it with their adopted child so she can help him overcome it. Huh. Who knew?? Hopefully she will turn out to be a great thing that has happened in that family's life. Anyway, Kiki and I got up, lounged around, watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, then got ready to go. Alan had to work abit in the morning, but he was home by 11am. The weather was perfect and we all just had a nice day.

Sister, Daughter, Mom...irritations and burdens of family life

Sat, 04 Nov 2006 08:28:52 GMT

I really feel burdened and sad about some things today regarding my family - not just my immediate family, but the extended set as well. I'll start with the stupid stuff, that honestly I just ought to get over but sometimes gets under my skin. My sister is a great gal, really. She is kind and thoughtful and always willing to lend a hand if you need it. But she is a whiner. She doesn't know it; if you ask her she'll say how she knows how blessed she is...so why then the moaning? She loves to throw a "poor pitiful me" party. She is like me in that we are 'artistic' (read: crappy housecleaners & disorganized). The difference is that when push comes to shove, I will stay up for two nights straight and get the job done. She, on the other hand, cries to her friends - or our mom - about how overwhelmed she is, and those people come over and do her work. She is always getting bailed out. Or the money issue. I don't really think they are any worse off than Alan and I are, but because she cries about it, someone is always doing something for her or her family. Like, the last women's retreat our church had...I couldn't afford to go because we'd spent so much money on vet bills for T. She didn't have money to go either. When I was asked, I just replied "no, I'm not going to be able to go this year." However, when she would be asked, it was always the whole big story on how their money is just so tight, and this and that and the other....the result of which was that someone paid for her way to go on the retreat. This happens all the time. I try to pride myself on the fact that I make my own way; I'm not whining to others to get helped out...but, maybe I am just jealous? She will complain how I have always had a nicer car than she's ever had...yeah, but I've never been to Europe, and Africa, and...well, lots of places she's been that I have never been. So cry me a river. I am not begrudging her nice things or trips or whatever, but just quit whining for pete's sake! Then there is the part where my mom is involved. Somehow she feels sorry for my sister because she buys into the pity party. Time and again she buys clothes for those grandkids, and has helped pay for their private schooling, and various lessons...she tries to not let me know, but that just makes me feel like she realizes she is being unfair and is trying to hide it. I mean, I love my mom, and she can do whatever she wants with her money, and I really don't want her to have to provide for me, I am a big girl now...but, I don't know, it makes me feel bad anyway. The jealousy bit again, I suppose. So I know what sin I need to pray about! I really agonized over buying school pictures because of the expense, but you know they are only this age once, so I did it...then I saw the check (on sis's noteboard in plain view, no, I wasn't snooping!) that my mom had written to pay for sis's kids school pics...sigh.

That brings me to my next issue...I am a bad mom. My little girl is...fat. I've known for awhile now that she has a bit of a pudgy tummy, but I guess I've been seeing her with a mommy's loving eyes. Because it is more than pudge. It was those school pictures. She looks totally cute, of course, because she is my baby and is adorable!! Her individual ones, well, I could still try to say "oh, it's just a little chub, she'll grow out of it real soon." Ah, but, the class picture....if a picture is worth a thousand words, then they are all screaming at me what have you done?! what have you done?! what have..... In that group of kids, it's so obvious...my daughter is the token class fat kid. I just wanted to cry. I wanted to throw up. It's bad enough I've done this to myself, but I am an adult and have to take the responsibility...my daughter eats what I give her, and sits on her fanny because her dad and I do. It's so unfair, and it's all my fault. Luckily, I have swelled her head so much by telling her how wonderful she is, that she didn't notice at all...she looked at her pics and declared "I look great! These are my cutest pictures yet!" Okay, so I have a little time to get her slimmed down before it starts to warp her psyche.

I was also going to rant a bit about my...well, my brother-in-laws new wife. My nieces and nephews step-mom. I don't think I fully trust her. I mean, she seems like a nice gal. But, then stuff happens that just doesn't add up. I don't think she is treating the children with enough love. I think she is...mean. More than just strict. Not abusive, just not really kind. And they need love so much after what they've been through. I also love my bro-in-law, and he doesn't seem really happy. Kinda stressed out. Of course, I know it's partly just 'cause she's not my sister. She's going all gung-ho on getting rid of my sister's stuff (furniture and stuff, I mean) and I understand, it's her home now and she wants to make it hers.... but they can't really afford it but she's going full blast on it...again, not my concern I guess. I know it just makes me feel bad when she talks about "that horrible picture"... that my sister loved...that I gave her as a gift....dang it I miss my sister.

I have a great family, really. But they still make me flippin' crazy sometimes!!

Happy Birthday, Sis ~ I Miss You

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 23:35:56 GMT

Today my little sister would have turned 36. It has not been quite 2 1/2 years since she passed away, from a sudden and freak accident. I asked my mom today how she was feeling, and I could see the tears welling up in her eyes, although she has always been pretty 'good' about hiding them. She told me that, this morning, my dad asked her if ever a day goes by that she doesn't think of their daughter. No, they both still think of her every day. Not that we try to dwell on it, but things come up...I hear a joke that I know she would've loved, or see some type of pet that she'd owned or wanted to own next, or someone with pink hair wearing tie-dye....that was my sister. She was the wild one, the off-beat one, the brilliant one. She could listen to a song on the radio, and within 30 minutes was playing it on the piano. She was interested in the plight of Russian orphans, and learned Russian in a few short months. Just before she died she was trying to learn Japanese. Because she thought it'd be cool. If she ever became interested in anything she was soon a walking encyclopedia on the subject. (which, yes, was totally annoying, but attests to her love of learning!) Along with the brilliance, however, came the troubled mind. Why does this seem to happen? I'm sure you have seen some of the movies... "A Beautiful Mind"; then that other one, about the math guy and his daughter, with Gwyneth Paltrow...It seems to me that life is so difficult to comprehend, to accept, and most of us who are 'average' just go "huh" and go on living, but those cursed with genius keep trying to decipher the undecipherable. She had always been - different. Quirky. But, troubled. My older sister and I saw this; my parents were always putting it down as "a phase" that she'd grow out of, or rebelliousness. It saddens me that my parents weren't aware enough to get her the help she so desperately needed. And I've dealt with guilt over the things I'd said - as a jealous sibling - about how life was better before she came along, that I know now wounded her, but when you are a kid, you can be stupid. I never knew how important words were, how painful they can be. I know my parents did their best, but I wonder sometimes how they could have overlooked the obvious red flags that were all over. If my child did the things my sis had done, you can bet she'd be in some serious therapy! It was another time, I guess.... You can't say "what if". You can't blame yourself. I know, though, that my parents do. Wouldn't you, if it were your little girl, who, as an adult, ended up in and out of the Psychiatric Hospital, which was, for some reason, the one place she felt safe? If it were your little girl, now a mother herself, who threatened suicide many times, and tried it twice? What if I'd been a better sister, somehow? Maybe I wouldn't have spent the half-hour trip to my sister's house, after receiving the call from my brother-in-law that my sister had died in the night, praying fervently "Dear God please just don't let it be suicide." She had three little children...how do they deal with mom leaving on purpose? Thank God that wasn't the case.... it's been rough enough, anyway. I know all of us - my parents, my other sister, my brother-in-law, even my husband, who knew my sister since she was a little kid...we all have grieved over what we could have done differently. Because, maybe, without the personality disorder, she wouldn't have been fighting the prescription drugs. Maybe she wouldn't have been having the migraines, which she took the medicine for, which was giving her siezures, which made her slide off the bed into a position in which she could not breathe. Aw, sis, I miss you. I'm sorry for the ways in which I failed you. But your life had a purpose....people were touched by you, and met Jesus; people I would not have given a second glance. Because you lived a different life than me, you reached those in that other world. I know I'll see you again one day, and that you are free from the demons which plagued your life here on earth. Sucks for me, though!

See ya ~ love, me

Alan Redeems Himself by Taking us to the Movies

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 04:44:09 GMT

Alright, I know, I know...it's not all his fault. I suppose he wasn't the only one having a mood over the weekend. When he got home this afternoon, tho, he said he wanted us to all go out to see "Cars" tonite. Yeah, yeah, you have all seen it already, I know...we just always wait 'til the movie hits the dollar theatre! What a totally cute movie, by the way! We'll be buying that one when it comes out on DVD... So Alan asked "have I redeemed myself?" and I replied "almost, you have a ways to go"...then he asked "what about you?" Uh, "I have a ways to go?" heehee. It was a fun evening.

On the down side, tonite the worn spot on my jeans finally tore. I only have one other pair of pants, a pair of capris. Which means I have to go shopping for some new pants. Gross.

I got an email from my nephew who is away at college in California. He is such a great kid - my sister is doing a good job! He has dyslexia, tho... it was rather interesting to decipher his email! Kiki had emailed him the same time I did, and he also sent her a reply...pretty sweet for a 20 year old to email his 9 year old cousin!

The "Mommy Tax"

Mon, 02 Oct 2006 17:28:34 GMT

I just read that the cost of giving up your career to be a stay-at-home-mom (considering lost income, retirement savings, pensions, and other benefits the woman no longer has) averages out to be about $1 million dollars over a woman's lifetime. Wow!!! I am feeling like I am Worth So Much!! I knew it all along....

I Think I'll Take up Kick-Boxing

Mon, 02 Oct 2006 07:42:42 GMT

Because....I really feel like kicking someone's butt. Namely, my husband's. Don't get me wrong, I love the guy. Most of the time, he's a decent man, a good dad, and a pretty good friend. But right now....rrrrgggghhh. I think he has PMS. Seriously, you other wives know what I mean! The men think it's all us, but can't they be just the moodiest old things?? So he's been a major grump for about two weeks now, and today he wants to know why I am irritated with him...because I'm "treating him badly". Puh-leeze. I'll admit it - today I was irritated with him. See, in the past, we used to have wicked fights...screaming, throwing stuff...I used to worry that one day he was going to up and hit me. Thank the Lord that never happened, but it still got pretty ugly. We've come a long way...he has gained much control over his temper, and I have learned to just let a lot of stuff go...I just got tired of fighting. Besides, I refuse to do that now that we have a child. Most of the time, I can "be the duck"...you know, I'm the duck, it's all water, it rolls right off me... but sometimes, stuff he does really pisses me off, and it doesn't roll off so good. Yesterday, for instance. We were at the grocery store (and we are trying this new budget thing, 'envelopes', so we have to pay for everything in cash) well, I have become so used to my debit card...we were using the "self check out" aisle, and I've only paid once before with cash...and it had to be done in a certain order (you had to put in the coins or paper money in first, I don't remember) well, I am trying to read it, (and Alan is saying "put the money in, why aren't you putting the money in" and then I do put the money in...well, it didn't like my $5.00 bill, so it kept spitting it out...it had a certain way it had to be 'right side up'....Alan comes over, grabs the $5 away from me, and starts shoving it in (backwards) and is like "what's the problem, why don't you just put it in the less wrinkled side first" like duh, you are a moron (no, he didn't actually say those words) and I was like well, it has to go in this end first....he is treating me like I am an absolute idiot, not giving me a chance to do it, right there in front of everyone else in line....so, yeah, I was mad and embarrassed. When I mentioned this today, I got a speech about how I should deal with these things when they happen and not...how'd he say it....hold onto them and nurse grudges?.... Ohhh, I see...I should have just caused a scene right there in the market...or, had a fight in the car about it, right in front of Kiki?? This is one of the things that sets me off the most, when he treats me like I'm stupid. Because he has all the answers. He'll deny that he does this. Then there was this afternoon. I am sick of sitting around watching TV. I have tried to come up with some other stuff we can do. Today after church we were going to go to an orchard with some friends to pick apples and enjoy the fall weather; just be out. I was also going to go do some more of the same with my mom, sister and niece tomorrow, so he used that as an excuse not to go today. I mean, it was all set up, and the other gals and families were going, and all of a sudden he is coming up with 89 excuses why we shouldn't go. Of course, then it's "but if you really want to..." Of course I really want to, haven't I been planning this for a couple weeks now??! But by then I was just pissed and didn't want to. Poor Kiki, she was really bummed out, she'd been looking forward to it, too. Alan also has this annoying habit of trying to get me to talk about what's bugging me when I'm really mad. I don't want to fight, so I try to get him to wait...but then it's just all my fault, whatever the issue. And he often won't let me have my say...because he's got "the answer" to everything I say. Ohhh, it is sooo maddening!!

I'm sorry, I just had to get this out of my system. I am really irritated with my husband, and I'm not sure exactly how to resolve it - because it's not really this particular event, it's this habit of him treating me like I'm an idiot - and I'm not, thank you....and he knows it, so what is up with that?! Then he starts in on me like, "have you fed Kiki lunch today" (no, because it's not her day to eat!) or, "how can you go out to the orchard tomorrow, you have school to do" (oh, you know, just like last year, we usually don't do our school) Have I not been taking care of these things??? He comes from a long line of "know-it-all males"...

Then just to top off my lovely day, when we returned home from our small-group meeting tonight (you know, the one where we work on our marriages!!) I had a phone message from my mom...that my sister wasn't going to be able to make it tomorrow, and did we want to postpone it until a better day for her? Even tho we already did postpone from last week because my sister couldn't make it, and tomorrow was the day my sister said would work better for her....aaarrrgggghhhh!!!! Family!!! The ties that bind...and gag... (Erma Bombeck) Now Kiki is really upset. But, I am going to find something fun and special for she and I to do tomorrow, and hang the rest!! I refuse to let them get me down!

Kiki's Birthday

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 20:29:18 GMT

This was a really fun day, especially for Kiki! She wanted a dog-themed party, and we were able to find a lot of stuff to pull this off. We painted a Pin-the-collar-on-the-Pup game, I made her a dog costume (well, she loves dressing up, so any excuse!) I made dog cupcakes (each child was going to get a tiny dog cake, but they took a load of frosting...guess I didn't make it fluffy enough, so I made several pawprint cupcakes instead) plus various doggy paper items. She also really wanted to do a school-carnival-type fishing game, so we found a blue sheet at the thrift shop and painted a little ocean scene on it. My house was so clean I actually invited a group over the following night! Will wonders never cease.

Surviving the Mother-In-Law

Tue, 08 Aug 2006 20:07:41 GMT

Sorry I haven't added to my blog for a week, but I've had a visiting M-I-L. Actually, this trip was better than most. We didn't offend her, she wasn't holding any grudges, we actually had a little food in the house...all in all, not bad! She even took me out to dinner and to a concert (she and some friends came down here specifically for the concert, but one friend had to back out at the last minute...so I got the ticket.) It was an enjoyable time...huh...who knew??