Mama's Midlife Mire: Christianity ~ trying to walk the walk

I'll be gone for the weekend

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 18:20:05 GMT

I'm leaving in a few hours to go to a women's retreat with my church.... I've tried to get online several times the last few days - I have so much to say! So much to cry about! Or maybe, whine about? Some to laugh about, too - but my daughter had the flu, and various and sundry other things kept me away... and now I'll have to wait 'til Sunday night or even Monday! Poop. But I did want to pop on to let you know why I'm not blogging.... I'll be baaaaaaack.....!!!!

Have a great weekend, everyone! C~ya soon!

~Ann~

I think I'll eventually do this in a list form, but for now, it's been one week and I need to stay accountable, so here ya go:

today I weigh 273. Lbs lost = 3. Yay me!

Good (??) Friday

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 05:59:31 GMT

Kiki said to me today the thing that always confused me when I was a kid... "Why do they call it Good Friday when it's the day Jesus was killed?" But we know...it's Good because it's the day my Savior paid my way.... covered my sins. Bought me a spot in Heaven. It really is a Good Day.

Today is Palm Sunday

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 22:59:30 GMT

Palm Sunday is the day that Jesus made His "Triumphal Entry" into Jerusalem, the Holy City. Think "parade"! And the people all cheered and waved palm fronds. The little drama at church today went really well. The guy who played Peter is amazing! How he could remember all his lines is beyond me (and he was once a big-time drug addict! I've no excuses but I think I have less brain cells than he, anyways...) Kiki did great - sat very still and looked as if she was listening intently. Of course, that was 1st service.... who knows, maybe by 3rd service she was twirling her hair and looking for lint between her toes...... Kiki said to me this afternoon...."Mom, I don't get it. How could it be that on Sunday they were cheering for him, and by Friday they had decided to kill him?? That doesn't make any sense at all." I think she does get it - because, no, it doesn't make any sense at all. This is the stuff that puts me into tears...that God loves us all that much. This week is always a full and busy one at our church. On Thursday we will have a drama/communion service that re-creates the last supper - the passover feast that Jesus shared with his disciples. On Friday we all head over to this old, stone penitentiary that once housed territorial criminals but is now a musuem of sorts...we have Roman soldiers, people running in the streets, little market stalls.... trying to create the feel of how it would have been. Then there is a play about Jesus' arrest, trial, and crucifixion. It's always really moving. We all leave feeling pretty down, because, after all, it's only Friday and we don't know how it's going to turn out, right?? Then of course we have Easter sunrise service, and we've all made lists of the "stuff" we want God to take away from us, and we put those lists into a locked, wooden box, make a huge bonfire, and burn it all up. It's very cool. And we sing wild praise music because we are so happy that Christ rose again!! Yay! All in all it's an awesome week... it's all done because we want to make it real. Sometimes I think stuff like this is hard for long-time Christians - we've heard the story a million times, "Jesus died on the cross, yada yada....." and it becomes just one more little Bible story. Gee, isn't that sweet. So this makes it come alive, and you remember "oh - my - gosh, that must've been painful - horrible - He did that for me???!!!!" If you really let that sink in, you can't ever live the same again.

The Peace that Passes Understanding, or...

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 18:27:06 GMT

am I just delusional? lol. It would seem that jobs are pretty hard to come by. Poor Alan has spent hours on those online job sites, and he's applied for a bunch of stuff, but all he has gotten are a few rejections and then a whole lot of no responses at all. Oh, except for sales jobs... he's been contacted by about a hundred insurance companies to 'join their sales force'....hmmm... yeah. The wierd thing is that I don't really feel worried. I feel like God has is all under control....which of course He does, but how do I know just what that looks like?? I mean, maybe "the plan" is for us to lose every material thing we have - maybe it means too much to us. I don't mean that in a "God's messing with us" way... I just know that God is...well, God. His thoughts are above my thoughts, it says in Scripture. I've been bankrupt before, and I survived. I've had a car repossessed before, and I survived. Shoot, my marriage has been in the toilet, and I survived. HowEVER.... it didn't feel very good. Any of it. I'd really prefer not to do any of that ever again, thanks. The biggest thing is, honestly... I don't ever want to feel like the Lord is "letting me down". I've felt that way in those other situations, because of course God could have changed things. Made them turn out differently. Jumped in and saved the day. But then, I'd be a different person today. So, my greatest prayer is that I am able to hang on to the belief that God loves me and it's all going to "work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose". Look at Job. Where was I when God created the Universe? What do I know?? There are probably going to be days I whine and complain here... I'm human, cut me some slack! But I want to keep fighting the good fight. If you are going to watch and see, I hope I don't let you down!

In Other news...

We have an appointment to take the rat to the vet this afternoon. I am pretty sure the result afterwards is that we'll be heading to my parents' house to bury her next to her old cage mate.... sigh. Poor little thing. Poor Kiki.

The Whole Wicked Story

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 06:46:55 GMT

Alright. I'm not sure where to begin, even.... a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.... oh, wait, someone already told that story....

Alan is a hard worker. He always has been. He is the kind of employee that every employer dreams about...he gives 200% whether they deserve it or not. I am not saying that this is always a good thing, because guess what? If your husband gives 200% to his job, how much does that leave for home life? Do the math.... Great for employers, sucky for wives. This caused a lot of grief in our early marriage. It has gotten better over the years, though. He's the kind of guy who can (and has) begun with a company as a part-time grunt and worked his way up to upper management. He's a ladder-climber. Again, this is a trait that is both good and bad. I'm not bragging nor complaining about my husband, just telling it like it is. You can decide for yourself if these things are good, bad, or otherwise; I'm just stating fact. His last job was a pretty decent one. He made a good salary, not exactly riches, but okay. He had a company truck and a gas card...and that, my friends, is an enormous perk these days! He had to work hard, which he didn't mind. He had to travel some, which he did mind. The problem was that he had gone as far as he could there. It is a smaller, family owned business, and the only positions above him were filled by family members...folks who would keep those positions until death or retirement, whichever came first. When the opportunity came up for his current job, he jumped at it...mainly because he thought he'd be able to buy the business out. It's a chain of espresso shops, and the owners want out. We owned an espresso bar in Washington, and Alan loves the coffee business. The problem with the Washington deal was we owned the place with his family. Good Lord what was I thinking??? Well, at the time I was thinking he had to leave his job to get away from the 'other woman', and this was not just a different job but in a whole different state... so, it served it's purpose, even though it bankrupted us. Hey, you win some you lose some - I gave up money for my marriage and I'm cool with that. The problem with the current job is that they weren't making the $$ they claimed... Alan was supposed to earn a percentage of profits to buy out the business - which is tough if there are no profits. I can't go into the whole "whys and wherefores" because to be honest, I don't quite understand it all. We looked at the P&Ls and stuff... I don't know. There is a whole litany of reasons the business isn't doing well...however, one of those reasons is that the owners want things to be different yet refuse to do anything differently. HUH?? Yeah. Exactly. They wanted Alan to fight the battle with his arms tied behind his back. The owners finally decided they needed to cut back on expenses and guess what? Alan is their biggest expense. He thought this was coming for a long time, but they kept saying "oh, no, we have no plans to get rid of you"....so it wasn't a huge shock, we kind of saw it coming... it makes total sense from a business perspective. And yet, it stinks. Poor Alan feels like a failure even though it was stuff beyond his control. He has never in his life lost a job. It's knocked him a bit off-kilter. Okay, a lot off-kilter. I wasn't sold on the idea from the get-go, but I believe that since he's the one who has to go to work every day, that I need to support his decisions, and so I did. This whole ending doesn't surprise me a bit... but it scares me alot! Remember I said the old business bankrupted us? I wasn't kidding. We have nothing - I mean, as far as money goes. We lost every cent we had on that little venture. We've recovered enough that we could buy a house and a car and all... (so we have a mortgage and a car payment!) But we've not been able to rebuild any savings... I think our savings account has $15.00 in it. Maybe. Alan will be employed for three more weeks. There is no severance package, no extended funds. Do you see why I'm worried?? There is no "buffer". We barely make it paycheck to paycheck....without a paycheck it won't be long at all - a couple weeks? - before we can't make any of our payments and the creditors start calling. Aw, man, I've been there before and I never ever wanted to go there again!!

Then there is the 'other side of the coin'. I believe God is my provider. I believe He loves me and has my best interests in mind. So how can I fret and worry? Does that mean my faith is too small? I want to be a light - I don't want people to look at me and think I have no hope. I suppose the scary part is that we never quite know what God has in mind. Like my pastor said Sunday, "you can't diagram God". We can never know how He is going to move in any given circumstance. Because He's God. And I'm not. He created the Universe, and I can't even keep my house clean! I know I will always have a roof over my head and food to eat, because I have been blessed with a wonderful family and friends who love me. I know there are people in my position who would be facing homelessness if they had these same circumstances, and I praise God that won't be us. Still - yikes. Alan has been applying for every job that is reasonably close to what he needs or can do, but nothing yet. It may be that next week we both have to go out and find just any old kind of jobs so we can maybe pay our bills. I don't know how that might affect the homeschooling, but one day at a time, eh? We don't really want to move, either. Kiki being an only child, I love her having all her cousins around. Not to mention that this is already her third school, and I really don't want to take her out. Her school is also a very unique situation; not one that can be easily replaced.

Well, that's pretty much the story at this point. Of course, the entire refrigerator died and it's going to cost us at least $200.00 just for the service call and repair costs, not to mention whatever parts might be needed. Which completely makes me livid since the stinkin' thing is only 4 years old!! And the fact we now have, like, no food, since it all had to be thrown out. We have a tiny fridge in the garage so we were able to keep a few things...ketchup... you can make soup with that and some water, right? lol. Then there is the poor rattie. (Disclaimer!! This is going to get gross, so I'm warning you now... quit reading if you're squeamish) When we came into the office today (her cage is in here) we found blood splatters all over the sides of her cage. I mean, eyywww. It's not pretty. I can't find anything externally wrong with her, so it's obviously an internal thing. She needs vet care, but even under the best of circumstances I'd be hard pressed to talk Alan into spending much money on a rat... and of course these are anything but the best of circumstances! I'm not sure really what to do about her. I'll pray God has compassion (on me!) and just lets her die in her sleep tonight. Tomorrow is a field trip and I have no gas. No money to buy gas. Yep, it's going to be an interesting time in our lives.

ATTENTION!! Prayer Request, please

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 00:29:45 GMT

I'm trying not to freak out here.... we just found out today that Alan will probably be out of a job in a month's time. His is our only income (I'm so much better at spending money!) We have no savings, no plan... but we do have a mortgage, a car payment, a visa bill.... I will be back to give some more details later, but I wanted to ask right away if you would lift us up in prayer. I know God is faithful. Of course, what I don't know is what He'll do to help us grow....lol!

Thank you all so much

The Scoop - maybe??

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 01:06:48 GMT

So, here's the deal...to begin with, at this point I am definately leaning towards not pursuing this. Mainly because at this point I don't feel like God is calling me to do it. If He did, I'd go, even with the reservations I have about it, because if it's His idea I know He could take care of the details. But, since right now that isn't the case, well, holey cow!! This deal could be a nightmare! It is more of a 'group home' or very 'homey-feeling' institution, really. Not exactly how it was initially described to us, but not a complete surprise, either. The amount of paperwork and rules is daunting, since you are dealing with the state. My understanding of what we've been told is that if you have a foster child in your home, basically you just do what you'd do with your own kids - I mean, obviously there are checks and what-not, but you just do your thing. Is that a proper understanding? There, every little thing has to be done 'just so'. The kids have to follow the state mandated diet, so they have a nutritionist do all the shopping, planning, cooking. There are pre-set times for afterschool snack, homework, lights-out, etc., etc., etc. Any time a child has any problem (ie: tantrum, whatever) it has to be logged on an 'incident report'. All the kids are on some sort of medicines, some psychotropic. Currently there are 6 kids, one 10 y.o. with behavioral issues and the rest surly teens, some of whom have been sent there thru the juvenile detention centers. Just a little more than I think I want to deal with! For me, really, the biggest issue is my own daughter. I don't want to do anything that screws her up for the rest of her life! She's my top priority, obviously. Now, it could be that she'd learn so much and grow in positive ways - again, if I really felt the Lord was telling me to do this, I'm sure he'd protect her, body and soul - but if He's not, maybe it's not a good idea to throw her in there. There is a staff of 5; the nutritionist, the paperwork gal (yeah, the technical term for her!) and a couple others, plus the director. The director is a wonderful woman, I can see that this work is what she was meant to do! On the one hand, having someone there to handle all that paperwork, and someone else to shop and cook is awesome - but on the other hand, that means there are always people there in the home...it's not like we would have really any place of our own... and I'm a nester. I don't think I'd handle that well. It doesn't pay enough that we could live there plus keep our own home for our time off. I think I'd feel almost "homeless". The part that'd be really cool is that Alan and I would be doing it together... it's not like he'd be heading off to some other job while I play chauffer to 8 kids....but I'm thinking maybe there is something else we could do together....! It also became apparent during our chat that the board may not even want to find new 'house parents' but maybe find a way to financially carry on the way it is now, with the staff working lots of extra hours and taking care of all the details, including the nighttime stay and all. I don't know.... it's not totally crossed off the list, but we will give it more prayer over the next few days and see. Oh, and the only pet we could MAYBE bring would be the dog...not the cat or the rat. Being a huge animal person, that is an issue for me. Even the dog, they said she'd have to be an outdoor dog...who are we kidding??? My dog only goes out to do her business, then wants right back in...like, what, do I think she's a dog or something? lol. Besides - I'd really like to know how she could possibly be outside there at this point... the snow is up to the top of the windows! Where exactly would she go?? So, that's the deal. I think Alan is feeling disappointed because he'd love to be doing some sort of full-time ministry. I think he's more for it than I am. My gut tells me it's not right... and my gut usually knows what it's talking about. I'll keep y'all posted.

The Scoop

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 01:02:57 GMT

Skiing - I am so not excited about tomorrow. I do not want to make that drive! Today I heard on the news that the state police had closed the road up the hill, because of ice, whiteout conditions, and a 5 car pile-up.... can you say 'yeeehaww'.....urgh.

A Trip to the Mountains

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 07:15:23 GMT

Today (okay, actually yesterday... I see it's past midnite now) we drove up to the foster-home place to talk to the director and check it out. It's in a small mountain town about 2 hours from us - well, today it was 3 hours, as it was pretty snowy. What a beautiful drive! Since I wasn't driving, that is. I'm such a weather-wussie!! I hate driving in snowy mountain conditions. Yet last week I signed Kiki up for skiing lessons at our local hill the next 3 Fridays...up the lousiest road-to-a-ski-resort that exists, I think....where was my brain the day I decided to do that?? But I digress.... as it is late and I have to get up early tomorrow, I will post the details later... but for now I thought I'd leave you with a few snapshots.....

A wee bit o' snow

To the top of the fenceposts

Coming back home..Beautiful, isn't it?!

Thanks for the Input

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 19:22:32 GMT

Thank you for your comments and messages in response to my last post - I really, really appreciate your insights and points of view, and please - keep them coming! It will help as I continue to consider what to do. ~Thanks! Ann~

Please, tell me I'm crazy and that it's a bad idea!!

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 08:24:08 GMT

Here is the promised 'news' I've had for you...well, it's not really news yet - it's something that is rolling around in our heads. In my case, flopping around wildly; whether that's due to the stress of it, or a lack of anything else inside there to control the crazy, I don't know. For quite some time, Alan and I have been praying for the Lord to show us something we should be doing... something besides the day-to-day living for ourselves...something for the Kingdom. Not that you can't do God's work in your daily life, don't get me wrong...we just haven't felt like we've been contributing. So last week, my mom calls me and says "Hey, you know how Alan is so unhappy in his job? [the poor guy has totally had it with middle management!] Well, I've got a job for you guys." Actually, she was kind of joking, because she figured I'd just laugh at her. Which I did. But then I told Alan. And he got all excited. Crap. My parents have these friends who started a home for foster children, because they realized there are always more children who need a place than there are places for them. So they started this home which can house up to 12 kids (right now only 8 because I guess laws have changed). They have a staff of 4 - 5 who help out, as well as outside counselors and stuff, but they also have "house parents" who basically live there and, well, be parents to these kids. Doing all the stuff you'd do with your kids...taking them here and there, feeding them, doing homework, you know - that parent stuff. Well, they are currently without house parents... I guess most last about 2 years, and they haven't replaced the last set. And we are thinking about - maybe - possibly - taking the job as house parents. 'Cause you know how great I am at cooking and cleaning, right? I'd be a great role model, eh?! The upside is that since this would be Alan's job as well, he'd be there the whole time so I guess the kids really would get fed something other than cold cereal and pop tarts...My sister pegged it when she said "Oh, Alan would do the administrative work and cooking, and you'd show the kids a good time." And I thought "Hey, yeah!! I am good at that!" I've been making a giant list of the 'pros and cons' and so far it seems about even. I will be back to list some of them for you, but now I really must get myself a little sleep.

I would really, really love for you all to be praying for us as we consider this. It's a huge thing, and we don't want to do anything stupid. We've done plenty of that in our lifetimes, and we'd prefer to act"older and wiser" now! Thanks

Merry Christ Mass

Wed, 26 Dec 2007 05:47:40 GMT

This was in my church's weekly devotional sheet... I thought it was perfect for today's post:

"The Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Jesus was born in the shadow of the cross.

It's a different sort of tree than we are accustomed to see in celebrating Jesus as each Christmas rolls around. The "tree" of the cross was anything but a venerated, holy symbol in Jesus' world - and it was gore, not goodies, piled up beneath it. The Roman statesman Cicero called crucifixion "the most cruel and agonizing penalty." Jewish historian Josephus called it "the most wretched of deaths." It was a hideous death reserved for rebels and riff-raff - and Jesus was crucified between two of them. Most wannabe Messiahs ended up there, so Jesus looked like just another messianic loser. "And so we preach Christ crucified - a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Greeks, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."

Raw love adorning a tree. "Green wood" treated as deadwood. The pain of a sword thrust laying our hearts bare.

The early Roman church called it "mass" - each celebration of communion regarded as an unbloody reenactment of Golgotha. "Mass" is from "missa" - from the closing phrase after each communion: "Ite, missa est" = "Go, you are dismissed." And so we come to Christ's Mass - the dismissal of our shame and the banishment of despair through divine grace flowing to us all from the first tree of Christ Mass.

I hope yours has been a wonderful day... not just the gifts and the food and the family. Whether we have those things or not isn't really the point... it might be nice, but not the point. The point is Christ - born to us as a baby through a miracle of love and grace. May that belief be your gift this Christmas. ~Ann~

I SHOULD - But I don't WANNA!!!

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 21:33:38 GMT

I have rebellion issues. I've admitted that before. I swear, part of my trouble with losing weight and getting healthy is because people tell me I should, and tell me how I should do it. This is not a smart way to go about my life, I know. However. Here I am. This morning a group of moms at the Co-op were talking about this weight loss/Bible study deal called Prism. I am sure it is a good plan. I am sure it would do me good. I don't want to join their little club. Partly, I think it's because of who is doing it. Don't get me wrong, they are a nice bunch of gals and I know they care and all that....it's just that....well...I don't even know if I can fully explain what I'm feeling. Partly, it's because the "biggest" one among them probably needs to lose all of, maybe 10 pounds. I am not about to let this group of people know how much I weigh! Another issue is that it starts tonight and goes for 6 weeks, and it's very strict those 6 weeks. No white sugar, no flour, etc. etc. Do these women understand it is 4 weeks until Christmas??!! I mean, seriously. My family expects cookies and plenty of them. And chocolate. To be honest, so do I! It wouldn't be the same....I mean, I don't intend to cram it in until I puke or something, but I know myself well enough to know that I could not stick to a program like that right now....maybe after the Holidays. I also can't do it without the support of Alan and Kiki, and it would be war if I said we were not having any Christmas goodies...at all... Yah. Right. Partly, it is, well, a spiritual thing, and again I don't think I can fully explain this. You see, I have this - thing - with the Holy Spirit. Well, that's not really accurate....I have a thing with people who think they have the whole realm of Godliness and some of us are - to use their term - baby Christians. I hate that expression with a depth I cannot express. Since the 6th grade when I went to an Assembly of God church camp (this was right after they 'discovered' speaking in tongues) and they tried to force us to join in under threat of going to Hell, I have been wary of those sorts of people. Which is sad, because I believe in the gifts of the Spirit. I honestly feel I have been missing out on things that the Lord has for me because I don't want to become one of.... them. The 'holier than thou' Christian who says to me "well, you'll get it someday"....aarrrgh. There are some women in this group like that. One was in an evening small group I was in (from church) where we'd been doing some good studies and such...but she left because she wanted to start a group where they just "let the Spirit flow". Because I guess He wasn't coming to our group. I know I sound totally cynical... I told you, I have issues! They talk about the amazing things the Spirit is doing and all (and I know He does!) but did one of them ever ask to pray over me when I was struggling on the edge of Pnuemonia for the 3rd year and my doctor couldn't get a handle on it?? Um, nope. So, I am feeling cranky today. Because I have also been struggling with this weird feeling of, well, impending doom sort of, like any day now I will have a heart attack or a stroke or find out I have diabetes or something...which, because of my obesity isn't really just strictly paranoia...it could honestly happen, and it scares me. So I know I need to do something, and this Prism thing would probably be really helpful.... but... where are the other fat, "struggling Christian" moms?? Lol.

Halloween ~ what a day ~ what a controversy

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 08:55:27 GMT

Do you ever struggle with doing what is "right"? I mean, because maybe you aren't sure "what is right"?? I've got that going on with Halloween. Kiki has never been trick-or-treating. After she was scared beyond belief as a toddler when we opened the front door to give candy to what turned out to be seriously ghoulish teens, we decided we just didn't want to celebrate it. So, we have alternately hung out with family living in the boonies who don't get anyone ringing their doorbells, or gone to "Harvest Festivals" at church or some other such Halloween alternatives, or just hid out in the back room watching TV and pretending not to be home.

I trick-or-treated every year as a kid. I loved it - I mean, hey, you get candy! Halloween was not nearly as "gross" when I was a kid, though. Kiki has never wanted to participate in the "scary holiday". She even hates going into stores this time of year because she is very sensitive and just doesn't want to see the nasty stuff. This year, tho, she talked about how it might be fun to go trick-or-treating. Probably because some of her friends go. Probably because she wants candy!! Our church isn't doing an alternative thing this year. We did get a list of other things going on, but Kiki didn't want to do any of them. She wants to dress up and hand out candy. (she loves dressing up for any excuse!) Hmmm. And she wants to carve a pumpkin. She's never done that, either. Deprived kid, I know. We've always gone to the pumpkin patch, but just used the pumpkins whole as fall decorations. I totally thought Alan would put the kibosh on her plan, but he didn't. Weird. So today I bought candy. Tomorrow (okay the date will be listed on this entry as the 31st, but I just haven't gone to bed yet....) anyway, tomorrow we will carve pumpkins.

I have Kiki's costume almost done. Luckily I started on that early, knowing she would dress up for whatever activity we did. She is going to be an Elf Princess. Check out the Circlet (crown, tiara) we made! I think it's pretty cool (patting myself on back). The leaves are going on the hem of her gown. I haven't quite figured that part out yet. But I will!

Just to Say....

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 05:24:11 GMT

Happy Resurrection Day !!

Just in case I didn't make it here tomorrow, I wanted to wish you all a wonderful day! Remember

HE IS ALIVE! JESUS HAS RISEN INDEED!!

Compassion & Understanding in a Broken and Hurting World

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 19:25:18 GMT

I have been crying alot lately. Just ask Kiki -"Mom, what is wrong?? You're crying again...? Maybe you need to be banned from the computer; it makes you cry too much." Lol. These tears are not because of my own sorrow, though. I've been doing alot of blog-walking (yes, my dear husband, I know you think there are better ways I could spend my time). I have cried over mothers losing their babies from CDH and other things, and I cannot imagine the pain. I have cried over parents whose older children are lost and struggling. Over people losing ones dear to their hearts from cancer, old age, accidents, anger and estrangement. I have cried over those dealing with pain, both physical and emotional. Maybe I am crazy, (well, there is no maybe...but am I alone in this?) sometimes, it feels good to cry. Because, I think, it connects us. No one on this planet is free from the pain of a sin-filled world. We may have moments when life is just flowing along, but somewhere down the river, the current gets stronger, the rapids come...maybe even an unforseen waterfall that's going to smash us at the bottom. I think we, especially women, have forgotten how to connect with one another. We are so busy, protecting our hearts and our own little worlds, we don't reach out...I have heard so many women say they don't even like other women...we are afraid of one another, that someone else is prettier, smarter, sexier - is going to steal our man.... and we do...we hurt one another, when we should be locking arms to face the day. You see, I've noticed something. I was reminded of it the other day while reading the blog of a mom who lost her precious baby the day it came into the world. When she was given the diagnosis, and was beginning to understand that her baby was being born simply to die, it angered her that life kept going on. People all around her just went on about their lives, oblivious to the fact that her life had come to a screeching halt at that moment. She was mad at those people; she wanted to yell at them "Stop it! Just stop it!" Stop being happy; stop blithely going about your life...and, here is the thing...I have felt that exact same emotion. From a totally different cause. The memory is very clear in my mind of a day I was spending with my parents after Alan and I had separated. We were taking a walk in the park; it was a beautiful, warm day. People were laughing, playing, enjoying the day. It made me soooo mad. I mean, I wanted to hit them, scream at them. How could they just be like that, when my world had ended?? What was wrong with them?? My pain was so all-encompassing, couldn't they feel it, too? Then, another memory. During that same period when my marriage was in tatters, a very dear friend called. She and her husband had moved across the country, and we'd lost touch. She was calling because she'd just found out she had cancer, very advanced...the doctors were basically telling her she had weeks, maybe months, left. Then she said something that blew me away... when she went out among the "living" - as she called them - she got so angry...how could people just be going about their lives like everything was fine when her life had just come to a screeching halt? Do you see? Do you understand? It doesn't matter if we haven't shared the exact same problem as someone else...chances are, we have felt the pain! We need to embrace one another, help each other stand, help find a reason for that person to face another day.... or, maybe, to simply cry with them.

Postnote: The doctors were wrong. My friend is still alive, very well, more than a dozen years later. She and her husband now have a beautiful little girl, and their life is, at the moment, quite rosy!

I Love Teaching Moments...

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 01:49:41 GMT

....even when they are caused by my own errors in judgement. Last night, Kiki and I finished cleaning up from dinner, and Alan had begun watching, oh, I can't remember the name of it...the movie where Tom Hanks is the FedEx guy whose plane goes down and he's stranded on an island for over 4 years? You know the one. I told Alan that we needed to find something else to watch, because that one probably wasn't good for Kiki. He replied that there were only a couple of 'bad' parts, and we could just not let her see those....I had that gut feeling that I should have listened to - you know the kind - but instead, I went with Alan. Now, Alan is a pretty bright guy, really. It just seems that my gut tells me things sometimes, and it's generally right on. He is just too...logical, I think. He just thinks - hmm, nope, nothing bad. When that little voice in me is yelling "bad idea!" I wish the voice would tell me why... then maybe I'd listen to it more often! So, we watched the movie. For the most part, it was fine. We made her leave the room before the 'dead body' scene, and the attempted suicide part was cut...she was rather enjoying the story, actually. But then, Tom Hanks makes his friend "Wilson." If you don't remember, it was a volleyball - a 'Wilson' brand. I guess, because she is a child who adores her stuffed animals and such, she really related to his bonding to his ball buddy... when us adults are thinking "dude, he's totally losing it", she's thinking "oh, good, he's not lonely anymore." Of course, I didn't realize this. Then he - or rather they - get on the raft and set out. And later, Wilson goes overboard. Tom tries to rescue his friend, but Wilson is drifting one direction, and the raft is drifting the other...Tom's character realizes he has to hang on to the raft, and finally yells to Wilson how sorry he is, but he just can't do it. He seems heartbroken. OH-MY-GOSH. Kiki completely came undone. She was sobbing hysterically. I said to her (being just a dumb adult) "honey, it's okay, it's just a ball." She says to me "mom, don't you get it??" (obviously, no, duh, I'm just a dense grown up) "Wilson was his friend!! It would be like me losing Hana!" (her dearly beloved favorite all time ever stuffed horse). "I would just die. I hate this movie!" Um, uh-oh. Soon after that comes his rescue, then the discovery that his girlfriend is married to someone else and has a child. Oh, yeah, Kiki was really miffed now! Who in the world would come up with such a stupid movie??!! But then Tom's character says - about himself, to a friend - "You have to keep on breathing. You never know what the tide will bring you." Then he goes on a little road trip. This was a totally unsatisfying ending to Kiki...but, it turned into a great time of sharing for us. How life can be hard - the Bible promises us that. Dang it. But the Lord always promises to bring us something new "with the tide". I got to share with her that even when life seems empty and over, we can't give up...we need to "keep breathing" and hold on to hope. The character had hope, of a new tomorrow. When I was little, I thought being a Christian meant life would be sunshine and roses. No one prepared me for real life. I don't want Kiki to think "life's a ***** and then you die"; however, I do want her to realize that no matter how bad life gets, God is good. To hang on to hope. To keep looking for a bright tomorrow. This morning on the way to church, we talked again...and I could tell from her comments, she gets it. She totally gets it. Maybe she'll be better equipped to deal with life than I was. Maybe I only need to deposit half as much into her "Therapy Account" for all the ways I've screwed her up!!

In the Holiday Spirit

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 21:38:47 GMT

Kiki and I went to the market early this morning - okay, early for me, anyhow - to buy the items I need to do my baking today. As we pulled out of the parking lot, there was an old guy with a sign "homeless, blah blah blah..." I couldn't really read it all. Now, normally I just cruise on by... I do a lot of charitable things, but just tossing money to someone who is probably going to drink it up is just something I don't care to do. Call me a cynic. When we owned our coffee house in the Seattle area, we had so many homeless coming in...we'd give them coffee, let them sleep in our big comfy chairs (if their smell didn't offend patrons) but never gave money. I've heard about every sob story there is, and generally the more detailed the tale, the bigger the lie. I have offered food or to take them to a meal, and actually been turned down because they just wanted cash! So, yeah, I'm a bit hardened to it. I have taken Kiki to the park a few Sunday afternoons to help my church feed the homeless... it's a good thing to do, and necessary, but it's so sad when you see the same people month after month; the young ones who have addled their minds with drugs, the ones who obviously aren't mentally right, the families with little kids... some can't help it, obviously, but some truly seem like they just like the life, like the system, and that bugs me. But there was something... I don't know. We drove by this old man, and I knew I had to give him something. Alright, so I had just left the market, but I had stuff like, butter, powdered sugar, poppy seeds, canned pumpkin ... not much in the way of meal-type items. Still, I pulled in to the next parking lot, and dug thru my bags... I pulled out a bag of pretzels (about the only 'ready to eat' thing I had there) and Kiki had asked for a little net bag of those 'baby bonbel' cheeses, and she had eaten one but offered to give the rest away... so I turned the car around, drove back by him, and Kiki rolled down her window and offered up the pretzels and cheese... the smile that spread across the old man's face was...so sweet. Toothless, and kind. He thanked her profusely, and said "God bless you, and have a wonderful Thanksgiving!" As we drove away, he was tucking the items into his little box... Kiki said "Mom, that's probably the best thing I've ever done." It did feel good, and right. I am so glad that today, I didn't just drive by.

Thoughts on Marriage

Thu, 02 Nov 2006 07:56:32 GMT

As I have been blog-reading around this past month, I have noticed that so many gals seem to be quite unhappy in their marriages. (I'm sure guys are too, but don't they seem to post less emotionally than we women?) I totally understand that we all just have those days when we'd just as soon live alone, or want to strangle our spouse... but I am talking about long-term, thinking-about-ending-it unhappiness. I have been thinking about writing this post for weeks now, but I really want to make sure anyone reading this understands something... I have not lived your life, and I won't judge what you do; or have done. That's not my job. Thank goodness. What I want to do here is give hope. That someone struggling might know that God is bigger than anything you've ever gone through. That He can fix the unfixable. I know, because I have been there. I remember once, we had a young couple give a talk on marriage at our church. He was an assistant pastor, and they were both in their 20's. They'd been married for all of 5 years or so. Most of us in the crowd were 40 and up, married for much longer...or, divorced longer, in some cases. Anyhow, the point is, she made me sooooo angry as she spoke. All her wonderful ideas of if we women would just take care of ourselves then our men would have no reason to 'wander'. (Her husband actually got up when the kids did, got them dressed, fed, etc., and she could get up whenever she wanted, get herself all ready, then come 'join the family'...sorry, but that's not real life for most of us!) She talked about taking her little children to the park, and looking at the other moms who were in sweats with no make-up and hair pulled back in a ponytail, and she actually said to us that she was thinking "hey, call me when your husband leaves you." AAARRRGGGHHH!!! Listen miss Barbie Sunshine, did ya ever think that gal's husband has been cheating on her during her entire pregnancy, and she's just too tired to fight any longer???!!! I've known women that has happened to. One day, I hope for her own sake, (and the sake of those she speaks to) she gets knocked off her pedastal a little so she can truly minister to other wives. I'm sure you've had people like this talk to you... who wonder what your problem is. But I have been to the edge of the pit of marital hell...shoot, I was hanging off the edge, hanging on for dear life while being sucked down into the black hole... and I can truly say, my marriage is now better than it ever was before. After 10 years of marriage (no children yet) my husband had an affair. I'm not talking a stupid, drunken one-night stand or something...I'm talking two years of drawn out misery for pretty much everyone involved. Because an affair (or abuse or alcoholism or drug addiction or just plain neglect, whatever) hurts so many people...the ripple effect. It took many years - and so much healing from God - to get beyond this. Not just 'past' it but 'over' it. I can't even begin to tell you what it did to me, how it wounded me. But I can tell you this... God is... well, He is everything. In the midst of it all, I finally - after a lifetime of being a Christian -learned the depth of the Lord's love for me. I never understood it before. You know when people tell you how Christ loves even the biggest sinner, and died for them? That is supposed to make you see how much He loves, right? Well, in my screwed up child's mind, this just said to me..."so, God loves even losers. So, He loves me. That doesn't make me anything more than a loser." I know, that is so messed up. You see, my parents abandoned me at a campground. So I have issues. Oh, no, of course they didn't do it on purpose!! It was one of those stupid mix-ups, a parent's nightmare. We were camping with friends, I was about 5 yrs. old... our campsites were too far apart to see one from the other. I ran off to see our friends, and somehow my parents thought I was going to ride to the next spot with the friends...and the friends sent me back to ride with my family. Who had already left. I actually saw them pulling out with our camper, and ran behind them, yelling for them to stop. Now, I was so close behind the trailer, there was no way they could see me, and with the windows up, they didn't hear me. But, as I child, I figured they had to have seen and heard me, and they left anyway. On purpose. I honestly believed that they only came back to get me because I was taken to the Ranger Station, so they'd been "caught" and didn't want to get arrested. I had abandonment issues that tainted my entire life, in ways I won't go into right now. The incident sort of became the family joke to the point I didn't even realized how deeply it had wounded me. Until a couple years ago, I took a "twelve step healing course" sort of based on the AA Twelve Step program, but just for us who've been hurt by life, not necessarily addictions. (and, seriously, do you know anyone who hasn't been hurt by life?) So many patterns in my life were made so clear. I also figured out that Satan knows just what our issues are, and those are the things he uses to hurt us even further. I can look back now and see where things started to go wrong so early on, but I didn't know it then. The greatest thing is this, tho.... that I finally saw how God truly sees me. Don't think I'm a nutcase or something, but at a women's retreat 2 years ago, I had a vision during a worship time... I think you will only understand this if you are a parent.. Do you know how you love your kids so much, even tho some days you'd like to choke them? Like, when you watched them as a toddler, playing, smiling, coming up to you, and you feel like your heart will burst because you love them so so much??!! You feel yourself grin from ear to ear and just hold out your arms, and there is that sheer joy as you gather them up to yourself? That, my friends, is how much God loves each and every one of us!! God does not let a sorrow be unused, I don't think. Which is why I want to help others. I can truthfully say, that if I had the chance to change my past, that I could go back and tear out all the parts that hurt me, especially my marriage, but I would have to go back to how I used to think God felt about me...I would not do it. Nothing can compare to my Lord's love for me. Back to the marriage part.... God has healed our marriage, and we are both so happy we are together. Tonight Alan even mentioned his most horrible Thanksgiving...we were separated, and he ate alone, at Burger King. That had to suck, huh?? He deserved it, tho!! He said that was the lowest point in his life, but he is grateful that the Lord grabbed him before he went any lower...because many do. It seems so funny and amazing to me when someone says to me how they can tell that Alan and I are so happy, and obviously good friends, and I think, "yeah, that's right! We are." We have been asked to share our testimony at a marriage event at our church next month. I finally think I can do it. I worry about getting up there and just crying...nerves and all. But it is so, so important! I do really want to share what the Lord has done for me, for us. Do you realize in the Bible, Christ is the Bridegroom and the church (us) is the Bride? That is the picture He uses to describe His relationship with us, so of course Satan wants to totally destroy marriages. And, in so doing, destroy families. Children are irreperably harmed by the splitting up of their parents. Families lose beloved members. And those who get remarried without healing the previous hurts often go on to revisit the same issues with a whole new set of family members. Remember, I have now been married 22 years. A lot of time and energy has gone into healing and forgiving. I won't say there still aren't days - altho very rare - that I wonder why I just didn't cut and run while I had the chance. That I have days I want to kill him. Moments of short-lived but very intense feelings of mistrust. But I know that I know that I know - I did what God wanted me to do. I fought the good fight, and have come out victorious. My husband is not my enemy...satan is. I will always have to fight him. But I believe it is worth it. So don't give up, and don't give in!! The Lord has plans you cannot even imagine!

We don't "do" Halloween

Tue, 31 Oct 2006 02:09:44 GMT

Tomorrow is Halloween. I, for one, am always glad when it is over. The month is a pain, as far as I'm concerned. Kiki is so sensitive to 'icky' or 'creepy' stuff, so we spend October trying to avoid stores and any place that might be decorated. I don't know if I could really explain why we don't celebrate this day. Yes, when I was a kid, we dressed up and went on the candy hunting spree. When Kiki was little, we dressed her up one year, but just stayed home to hand out candy. She freaked when scary looking kids started coming to the door...and, that made me think "why am I doing this?". The more I thought about it, and the more I realized this event just gets creepier with each passing year, I decided it was just not a good thing. What are the redeeming qualities? Death, gore, naughty tricks... I don't get it. It is also my Christianity that just yells "don't do it!". Again, I couldn't fully explain that. I know plenty of Christian folks who take their kids trick-or-treating, decorate their homes, what-have-you. I know other people who think it is totally Satanic and should be done away with altogether. I guess I lean toward that...if you look into the history of the day, altho there seem to be differing theories on that as well. Then, you have people who will say if you don't want to do a "pagan" event like Halloween, you also have to throw out Christmas and Easter as they have pagan backgrounds as well. Here's the difference in my opinion... however the days began, Christmas is now the day I celebrate the birth of my Savior. Easter is when I celebrate that same Savior defeating death as he paid the price for my sin. Halloween? Um, nope. I can't make a connection between this day and Jesus in any way. So I don't think I should "celebrate" whatever it is that halloween celebrates. We do generally do something on this day. We usually go to a party at our church. Now, I know there are those who would argue that doing so is essentially the same as celebrating Halloween, but I don't think so. First of all, no one is allowed to dress up icky or scary. We have a theme that is Biblically based. Kiki plays 'dress up' about once a week anyway, so this is just one more day to do that, in her opinion. It's just a fun time of games and playing with your friends. For me, it beats sitting at home in the dark so as to avoid answering the door to hand out candy! I think it is just one of those things that is between you and God. He has convicted me that my family should not participate in the world's celebration of this night, but that doesn't mean any Christian who does so is violating some holy rule. I am sure other's have been convicted not to do anything at all on this evening, but that doesn't make me wrong, either. Sometimes, you just have to find out what God says is right for you...he judges the heart. It is His judgement that matters to me, not the world's.

The Love of a Child

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 05:30:27 GMT

I know I've mentioned here that I co-teach at a deal called "Kids Club". It is the Wednesday night children's ministry at my church. Hmmm...my church? The church I go to? Whatever; you know what I mean, right?! Anyway, I co-teach meaning every other week I do the lesson, and on the other week I do the craft. I have kindergarten, 1st and 2nd grades. Some of the kids come because they really want to, and ask their parents to bring them. Others are there simply because we are used as a babysitting service for all the adult classes that are held on Wednesday nights. We can have anywhere from 10 to 40+ children depending on what else is happening at church that night. For years and years I have worked in children's ministry, at whatever church we happened to be going to at the time. It seems like if you aren't "qualified" to do something else, they'll just stick you with the kids...as if any fool could do kids stuff. I really don't feel like it's my calling. I dread Wednesday nights, because I generally don't prepare very well, so I am just basically winging it while I'm there. Sometimes I feel I am really doing a disservice to the kids. I also feel like the gal in charge of this particular group, altho she is the sweetest gal and has a wonderful heart, well, she is rather....scattered. Half the time I'm not really sure what I am supposed to be doing. Last year was my first doing Wednesday nights. I volunteered to help; next thing I knew I was the teacher. I swore I wouldn't do it again this year, but here I am. Out of a church of almost 2000, I am the only one who will volunteer to do this??? I find that rather frustrating. But, here is the strange part...as much as I really don't like being the teacher, I love these kids. Who in turn love me because I am the teacher! I can't tell you how much I love having one of these little ones run up and give me a big ol' hug! Some nights, when we do prayer requests, my heart just breaks for them...like the little gal who lives with her daddy and her stepmom (really nice people) but her bio-mom (who has never been married) just had a baby, and gave it up for adoption. The little girl in my class is heartbroken because the adoptive parents live far away and she worries she'll never see her baby sister, who she loves. It seems really rotten to me that little children should have these kind of issues! Or, the girl whose parents are divorcing. Or the little boy whose parents are divorcing. It just goes on and on. It makes me so sad. Of course, there are also the funny ones...like the little boy who prays every week that he can have a kitten, and "I'll name it Sunshine". Every week! Also, here is a little "word to the wise" to you parents...watch what you say to your kids, and what you talk about in range of their little ears...because, believe me, I (or whoever their teachers are) will hear about it! Oh-my-gosh - I can't even imagine how embarrassed some parents would be if they had a clue what these kids tell me, or pray about!! I also wonder, what does Kiki tell her teachers? Is that why they are looking at me so funny?! I hope they take it all with a grain of salt, like I do...as a parent, I do understand how kids can get the details rather mixed up, so I don't take everything they say as the straight, plain truth! My biggest prayer is that even if I am botching up the 'orderliness' of the teaching, I just want these little ones to walk out of there every week knowing how much God loves them, and that Jesus died to save them. If they can grasp that, maybe I've done a decent job after all.

We Just Never Know

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 01:03:30 GMT

In regards to my last "rant", I guess the point is that we never know what someone is going through, or has dealt with. I am totally guilty of being one of those people that just babbled on about anything and everything...never once did I consider that someone else might have a sore spot about one of those issues. I am not super-sensitive; this particular issue bugs me because I have talked to my sister and she still won't quit. There are lots of other things, though. There was a saying my Grandma always used, just a silly thing in my opinion...I'd never really thought of the 'deep' meaning, or where it came from. Then, once, a friend at church was telling us how offended she had been on her last flight, because someone was using this saying...and, really, it was totally derogatory to this person's race. I had never even thought of it, because, well, I am not of that particular race. So it had no meaning to me. I silently offered thanks to God that I had never used that saying in front of her...because I very easily could have. The same goes for jokes. There are so many funny jokes that make fun of people in certain situations. If that has never been you, then it's totally funny, right? Until it hits home. Okay, I am blond, but blonde jokes don't bother me. Certain other things don't, either. But, some sting. I used to laugh at tons of funny jokes about cheating spouses until my husband became one. I no longer see the humor in those. I know my dear friend whose husband was in the grasp of a porn addiction doesn't laugh at stripper jokes. If you were abused as a child, would you think it's funny if I teased my child about beating her and stuffing her in a closet? Seriously. Now, I still love jokes, don't get me wrong. I do tease Kiki about this, but only among family 'cause I know their story! Also, stuff that used to hurt really bad, well, it gets better as the years pass. "Time heals all wounds" and all that, you know. I just try these days to be careful about what I say, because I don't want my careless words to hurt anyone else. I want to be uplifting, you know?

5 Love Languages for Kids

Mon, 21 Aug 2006 06:50:41 GMT

This is why I am so screwed up...LOL. I said my "love language" was "words of affirmation", right? My parents come from the school of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it"...so, if I'm not saying anything is wrong, everything must be just fine. So, I never asked for this sort of attention, (didn't know I needed it) and my parents aren't the talky kind...I honestly don't remember them ever saying stuff to me about how much they liked me, or I was a great kid, or anything like that. And they are GREAT parents, honestly. I love them to pieces and I remember having a really good childhood. But I have serious "loving myself" issues. My sister, who is a "quality time" person, has a totally different (and better) perspective and sense of worth...my mom was an at-home mom, and we did a lot of family stuff together...so, she was getting what she needed. My 2nd most important "love language" is "touch"...again, my parents are not the touchy-feely type. Oh my gosh, I hug everybody I know at church!! I love it! My dad has actually started giving me lots of hugs in the past couple years since my younger sister passed away...I guess he's needing it as much as I do now. Is this making any sense? If you have children, you owe it to them and yourself to read this book...you can love them to death but if you don't say it in their language, they might not know it. Which is why I sit on the floor and play Littlest Pet Shops with my daughter, or make-believe, even tho I really am not into that any more...well, ok, maybe a little... She's a "quality time" child...and by the way, you don't get "quality time" without "quantity of time". So we play alot, and I try to use that excuse for why the house is such a disaster...but my kiddo is feelin' the love!!

The Five Love Languages

Mon, 21 Aug 2006 06:30:43 GMT

Amy and I (from Tea and Bonbons with Amy) - sorry, don't know how to "link" stuff, guess I need to figure that out - anyway, we've both mentioned this book and really, it's great info for anyone with a relationship. Which includes pretty much everyone, don't ya think?! It describes the ways in which people receive love...it's not the same for everyone. So, maybe you tell your spouse, or kids, or parent, whoever, you tell them everyday "I love you" "you're so great" etc....but, maybe you're telling them that over the phone because you travel all the time and that person's love language is "quality time"...well, they aren't "hearing" it. They aren't "feeling the love." What that person needs is you, there. There is a special Love Languages for Kids book, too, since they're a little different. I belong to a small group from church on Sunday nites, just a few couples and we've all had struggles in our marriages and are really working at making them better. This is one of the books we've gone through. Here is what we discovered - we are all married to someone who needs exactly the one thing we are the worst at. For instance...my most important love language is "words of affirmation." My husband is a total smart alec, sarcastic, tends-to-criticize-but-not-build-up kind of guy. His most important love language is "acts of service". So, he'd feel most loved if I do stuff, like, always have dinner ready (I hate to cook or grocery shop) have a tidy house (I am an artsy-fartsy, creative, but domestically challenged gal), fold his underwear....seriously...and I don't even do his laundry. Can you say "issues!!" ?? Other couples in the group- wife, hers is "Quality time"; husband is school teacher, coach, choral director...always gone. His is "acts of service"; she's even less organized than me (altho a better cook!) Wife- hers is "acts of service" but she is a doer and gets all the stuff done herself, His is "words of affirmation" and she tends to be critical and pointed. (this particular guy and I...if we were married, our house would be falling down around our ears and we'd have to always eat out, but we'd be blissfully telling each other how much we loved one another! LOL) The other problem is this...we all tend to be more hurt by the lack of whatever our particular need or language is... like, I don't get upset when my husband has to go in to work on the weekend, and it doesn't bother me (well, too much) that I have to do more work around here than him...but, his sarcasm hurts me way more than he'd be hurt if I spoke the same words to him. SO the point is, that we all need to work very hard at letting that important person in our life know how much we love them by speaking to them in "their language." How we hooked up in the first place, I haven't a clue!! Because we tend to "speak" the language that means the most to us...well, my husband was a sweet, kind young man when we were dating...he tricked me! Geez, marriage is hard, have you realized this yet?

Two Degrees of Change

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 06:08:08 GMT

I heard a story about a gentleman on a plane...a well-known Christian speaker who travels a lot. He enters into a conversation with the passenger next to him. Turns out this guy worked for NASA, and was there in the midst of the whole Apollo 13 incident. (I hope you've seen the movie) The first gentleman asked him if it was really true, was it that serious, as stressful and close as the movie portrays it. The NASA guy basically says that if anything, the movie plays it down a little...that there is no way to really get across the tension they were under, the drama unfolding. I guess a question came up about the trajectory, and is it really even possible for a spaceship to miss the earth coming back...I mean, it's a whole planet, right? The guy from NASA says that even to be 2 degrees off, which is like, nothing, right? is enough, at those distances, to cause the ship to miss the earth entirely...I guess they'd be floating around in the endless space even now. Wow. Two degrees. What a difference it can make. So this is what we are trying in our marriage right now. We've had HUGE issues in the past, but things are fine now. But is fine good enough? No! We both want so much more, but change is, well, hard, right? Somedays it seems there is so much work to be done that it's impossible...don't even know where to start. So we are implementing "two degrees". I make the bed everyday. Big deal, right? But, I didn't ever do it before (what's the point? I'll mess it up again tonight.) This however, means alot to my husband. To come home to a tidy bedroom. Today, I folded his underwear before I put them in the drawer. Again, this seems dumb to me...I don't fold my undies...I just shove 'em in the drawer, I mean, who sees these? But, to my husband, well, he doesn't want to wear 'wrinkled' underwear. Nobody said it had to make sense, I guess. The point is, it is making an impact, doing these seemingly insignificant little things. Yesterday, I woke up to a fresh, hot pot of coffee...he'd made it for me just before he left for work. (this summer, I have been sleeping in, so he leaves for work and I'm still snoozing!) Hey, as far as I'm concerned, nothing says "I Love You" like coffee!! He knows the key to my heart! So...two degrees. What a difference it can make.

Vacation Bible School

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 00:13:37 GMT

This week my daughter and I will be doing Vacation Bible School at my mom's church. The one at our church was the same week as Theatre Camp, so we couldn't go. We have done mom's VBS for 3 years now...all the cousins go, even though we all go to different churches, so it's kind of a fun family-get-together as well. It's a small church, and they do a really great job of it. This year's theme is 'Rainforest' and I am helping with Story Time. That's the other fun thing about it being a small church...I can help even tho it's not "my" church...everyone knows my parents!