Mama's Midlife Mire: (im?)Proper Parenting

Has Anyone Seen My Patience??

Fri, 23 May 2008 17:14:58 GMT

It's gone, I tell ya....gone. I have absolutely Zero patience with anything these days, but least of all with Kiki. I feel like I'm at my wit's end with that girl! She is surly, grumpy, and worst of all, argumentative!! Geez, no matter what I say, she's going to come back with a "but..." or an "nuh-uh..." or a plain old "no, actually...." Now, to outsiders, she is about the politest little child you'd want to meet. People tell me that all the time. Which is nice, I suppose, but do ya think I could get a little of that at home?? Her messes are getting to me as well... it's like, the more I pick up, the more she messes up! I am so not exaggerating!! I just feel like I want to up and smack her in the head. Of course I don't.... but sometimes I have to leave the room....

I feel like I really dropped the parenting ball somewhere along the line, that she somehow thinks she can get away with doing absolutely nothing around here, not even clean up after herself. Or being respectful. I thought I'd at least worked on that one! It's so hard, because I struggle with that "messiness" myself, so she sees that, but there is no way on earth I can keep my stuff picked up and her stuff as well! Not gonna happen! I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of clutter... an ocean of clothing and papers....

I guess I need to be thankful that we just have one week of school left (YeeHaw!!) .... maybe I can shift gears and get this place under some semblance of control. Doubtful.... I've tried before...sigh.... but, since I really can't afford the gas this summer even to drive across town, I will probably be staying home most of the summer, so maybe I'll get some stuff done. Where there's breath there's hope, right?

So, I'm a bad mom....

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 05:43:18 GMT

I came in to do a quick blog, but got caught up in some blog walking...places I hadn't been before. I found some good stuff!! Tonight is Kiki's night to sleep with me (I am sooo popular that the citizens of this household fight over that right!! lol) So anyway, Kiki comes into the office and says "I'm really tired." I (lie and) tell her it won't be long.... after a bit, she brings in a blanket, makes the dog scootch over on the dog bed, covers them both up and promptly falls asleep!! This is my child who will not go to sleep if something interesting might-possibly-eventually happen. Ever. I wonder just how long I have actually been here?? Geez, how lame is that??!

Of course, I did go and get my camera....

Then the cat wanted in on the action....

I guess it's bedtime now!!

Shoot.... I thought I was doing so well

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 02:38:46 GMT

The meltdown started with a request that Kiki write her rough draft in pen, not pencil. The theory behind this is that the child won't worry about having to sharpen their pencil alot (it seems some kids are really bothered by the changes as the pencil dulls during the writing and it distracts them) and also they don't waste time erasing - just cross out something if you need to and move on. But you'd thought I'd asked her to write it holding her pen in her teeth or something. It turns out the little bugger is a perfectionist like me (ah, crap!) and she hates her paper being messy (wait - have you seen your bedroom???) Oh dear lord she is just like me. Pity her. Seriously. As we tried to talk through it, it just got worse and worse. First, you need to know we've been really fighting negativity with her. I pick her up from somewhere and it's all about "so-and-so did this" or "he is so annoying" or "I hate the way that..." blah blah blah...it's awful. Always what is wrong with someone or some situation, never the good part. She says she is just venting to me, but it's way overboard in my opinion. Alan is getting on her about it too... so back to today - suddenly everything is horrible and she is horrible and she hates herself and she's a "jerk" and she wishes she was just 'normal' and not 'funny' because the kids at school don't think she's funny (ok, that's because she has a very adult, sarcastic humor, don't know why!) and everyone thinks she's annoying and no one likes her and on and on and on..... and honestly at this point I was just feeling like "oh, do shut up!" and I'm not sure if it's because it just seemed like she was trying to feel sorry for herself or if it's because I felt like everytime I tried to find an answer she came up with a new problem, or maybe it's just because I'm already stressed to the limit and I just haven't got the energy to sort through her "tween-age" drama right now.... I don't know; but I just didn't feel like hearing it, ya know? So I'm feeling like a bad mom. Does my little girl need therapy so she doesn't become depressed? Is this normal 10-year old girl behavior? I don't want to freak out, but I don't want to be like my parents who always dismissed my little sister's odd behaviours by saying "it's just a phase" because we all know that didn't work out....Uhg. Of course I am the mom and thinks my kid is great...but still, she seems to have lots of friends at school, and she always gets invited to everyone's parties, and for sleepovers - so I don't see the "nobody likes me" deal.... I know she can be bossy and yes, even annoying! But I think kids like her....she stresses out over other kids' problems too much as well... like her "BFF" who seems to be getting boy-crazy and this really upsets Kiki....

I don't know what to do! I have other problems right now... we are trying to refinance our house and it has to be done before Alan is out of work (duh) and the appraiser is coming Friday morning and my house is a shambles.....We have one more paycheck coming and then I don't know what....and everytime I turn around there is one more mess my child has left behind and I don't want to comfort her, I want to strangle her.....

Well, there goes the buzzer - I need to go work on the laundry....

Ah...the joy of Peace and Quiet

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 17:48:21 GMT

I'm wondering.... am I a bad mom?

Because I get to answer my own question before anyone else can, I am going to say "No, you are not a bad mom....certain unnamed parties who reside in this household just don't get it." To answer the upcoming question "Huh? What the heck is Ann talking about now??" I will explain.....

Yesterday, Alan and I dropped Kiki off at Summer Camp. It was a 3-hr drive (both ways, so total of 6hrs. + stops). She will be up there almost a week; on Friday we drive up for closing ceremonies, a BBQ and to bring her home. We got her settled into her cabin (a bit too quickly...check-in took for-flippin' ever so we just got her in under the deadline... the other campers had already made 'bunk-bed-name-tags' and they were slipping into swim suits for a swimming test...) But, anyway..... I was fine. Took a couple snapshots, gave her a hug and a kiss, the usual mom stuff. She seemed okay, maybe a bit anxious for us to "go!" As we were walking back to our car, I noticed Alan was choking back tears...then they began to fall down his cheeks. Isn't that sweet? He was really upset about leaving his little girl all alone so far away. He swore he could see a "look" on Kiki's face that she was about to cry as well... now, I know her fairly well, being with her, like, always, and I didn't see that....but, whatever. It's fine. I'm sure she had a rough night of being homesick, but I am equally sure that at this very moment she is have a totally great time.

As for me, well, of course I miss her, she's my baby! However, I cannot tell you how absolutely wonderful it was to wake up this morning to quiet. I just lay there in bed, feeling the breeze blow in from the window, listening to the birds singing outside...aaahhhhhhh....You see, I am not a morning person. I really don't want anyone to talk to me until I've been up for, I dunno, maybe an hour?! But I live with Chatty Cathy. I awaken to "blah blah blah yakkity yakkity yak" every single morning. Sitting on my bed, telling me...I don't know what. I'm not awake enough to be paying attention! Don't read this wrong....I wouldn't trade my little Jabberbox for anything. It's just that, sometimes, I could use a break. I never get one. Until today. And, I am quite content this morning. Alan called a short while ago. I mentioned to him how awesome it is to awake to quiet. He said "Oh, you know you would much rather have wakened to her talking this morning." Uhm, no, actually, it was really nice...but, okay, sure, "yeah, of course I would".... geez, so am I lying now, as well? hmmm. I mean, of course, after a couple days I am sure I am going to feel really lonely here; even in the morning! And if I was worried about where she was, or thought she was unhappy somewhere, it would be totally different. But for now, I am just revelling in the peace; in the thought that I can do whatever I want today, no interruptions, no "I need this, I need that" kind of thing that comes with being a mom. I don't want this condition to last, but it's nice for a short change....and, it's okay to feel that way, isn't it?? Is it bad of me to be happy for a little break? I just think, with Alan being at work everyday, not dealing with the 24/7/365 that I deal with, he doesn't understand my need for a bit of 'alone time'. Remember, she doesn't even go off to school 5 days a week! We see a lot of each other!! So now I am feeling a little guilty... maybe I am a bad mama. I don't think so..... shoot. I guess I had better go do some work to assuage my guilt a bit.

OH! So you open the garage door FIRST, and THEN you back out??!

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 06:50:57 GMT

They say bad things happen in 3's, right? Remember a bit back I told about my rear side window just falling out of my SUV? Well, not even a week later, I was on my way to pick up Kiki from a friend's house when I got a speeding ticket. A deserved speeding ticket, don't get me wrong...but, still. Well, just a couple days ago, I was in the middle of a crazy busy day...my dad's birthday, so we'd gone over to take him a gift and say 'hey', then about 87 errands needed running....we were finally on our way home when Alan called and said we needed to come by the Opening of their new location. It was a "Friends and Family" night, in preparation for the 'real' Grand Opening on Saturday...he'd thought it was just a "shmooze" party for vendors and such, so he'd said not to bother coming - that I'd be bored or feel out of place. But when he realized a lot of family members of the owners were coming, as well as office staff and all the managers of the other locations (many of whom I met when we threw the company Christmas party last year) so he called and said "come on!" Which was cool - except now I had to throw it into turbo in order to get all our stuff unloaded and turn around and head back out.... so, Kiki and I rush home, throw stuff out of the car, throw clean clothes on, and go. Generally, this is how this works....We go out to the garage. I poke the button on the garage door opener which is right beside the door I go out. By the time Kiki and I are in the car, settled, ready to roll, the garage door has been open for quite some time (we take awhile getting our poop in a group.) I don't know if I was frazzled or flustered or what, but on this occasion I didn't open the garage door first...we got in and as we were gettting ready I used the button in my car that opens the door...then I backed out before the door was all the way up.... OH MY GOSH. I have scrapes on the very top of the back hatch, and on the roof, as well as the plastic tail light cover that's up on the top as well. Not to mention the garage door is now slightly...tweaked. Not dented, just...tweaked. Which is awful. I am so careful about my vehicles! I take pride in them. Oh, but that is not the worst of my story. OH, nooooo. My dad looked at the scratches and thinks he can buff most of them out. But, when I heard the sounds and realized what I had done... a choice expletive flew out of my mouth. With my little girl in the car. Now, in general, I do not cuss. I have a pretty clean mouth. On the rare occasion when I do something really frustrating or painful (like hammering my thumb or breaking a valued treasure) I might let loose a word or two. It is generally of the s*** or d*** variety, and only once has it been in the presence of my daughter. But on this day..... I am truly ashamed to say it.... I - dropped - the - F-bomb! I do not say that word! I hate that word! Despise it, abhor it!! I cringe when I hear it said in public. It's crude and horrible....and it went flying out of my own mouth!! Kiki's mouth dropped open, and she just...stared at me. I began to apologize immediately. Her eyes were huge. Finally, she found her voice. "Mama, where did you hear that word?? Do you remember, about three months ago, you used the cousin to "ding it"?? Are you going to become one of those 'bad-word-sayers'???"

So, yes, I am a bad mom. I think both of us are going to have to go into therapy.

The bruises on a Mama's heart

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 17:52:04 GMT

Before I had a child, I never understood the saying that when you are a mother, it's like wearing your heart outside of your body. Huh?? What does that mean?? Well, I know now. If you are a mom, you know too. If you're not, I'll try to describe it... It means, anything that hurts your precious child, hurts you. Your heart is just out there, getting bumped and bruised, and no matter how badly you'd like to pick it up and shove it back into the safety of your chest, you can't. I don't care how much you love your - pets, parents, significant other, whatever - until you have a child of your own, you just don't know. I sense some of you cringing, right now, thinking things about me that aren't nice at all. (shame on you!) It's okay. I get it. I was 36 when I had my daughter, and up until then, I thought I understood stuff. My sister would say these kinds of things to me, and I would say (in my head) yeah, right, whatever. Y' freak. I thought my sister was full of it, or just a little....weird. Ah, the flavor of eaten words (or thoughts) is quite bitter!!

So then, here is my grief......

Yesterday, I was taking Kiki to a friend's house to play. Suddenly, tears are streaming down her little cheeks, and she says to me "Mom, I don't want to make friends anymore." Yes, I do know where that came from. This friend she was going to see? They just became friends this year at the co-op, and her family is moving to another state as soon as school is out. What you need to understand is that this has happened to Kiki time and time again, in her short 9 years of life. She first made a "best friend" in Pre-K. She was thrillled to be going back to that school for Kindergarten, not just for her 'b-f-f' but she also loved the gal who would be her kindergarten teacher. Also, after 3 years in a neighborhood with no kids at all, just before school was out a sweet little girl moved in across the street. Kiki and she bonded immediately. Then my husband's job transferred us out of state. Kiki was heartbroken...so of course, so was Mama. A new state, a new school....Kindergarten. Kiki hated school for the first half of the year, but then....a friend came. Again, in one day, they were 'b-f-f'. So sweet. The last month of school came, and her family moved away. More heartache for Kiki. And Mama. Another new year, another new school - this time, the homeschool co-op. First grade, and Yay! a friend for Kiki. Granted, this was about the weirdest and most annoying kid she could have chosen, but hey, Kiki was happy, so whatever. Then a third was added to their gang, and oddly enough the three girls were able to get along; the 'Three Muskateers' they were known as. It was a great year. Then came 2nd grade (and the same school, finally!) but one of the girls didn't return. They lived almost an hour away, so I understood from the parent's point of view, but that didn't make it feel better to Kiki. But at least her very best friend was there. A new little girl that year joined the threesome, and things were good for about 2 months. Then her bestest friend ever got pulled out - her parents decided to straight homeschool and not do the co-op. The mom had just had a new baby, and I'm sure that added into the decision. That was in November....then, her other little friend was leaving right after Christmas We'd known that in advance, as they were leaving to be missionaries to the Phillipines....however, we hadn't known her other friend would be leaving first. The end of 2nd grade and the start of 3rd, she really didn't try to make friends. She'd play with the whole gang, but no one in particular. For awhile she had her cousin (who is one grade above her) but her cousin has been pretty unkind to her lately, so that has hurt my little one as well. So why, why when she finally started to make a special connection, why did it have to be the little girl whose family would end up moving?? I am thankful that the Lord gave Kiki the gift of being friendly and making friends easily, but I wish she didn't have to keep using it so often! Especially if she decides it just isn't worth the effort; and I can understand how she'd get to that point. But she's only 9 years old, for heavens sake! It's not fair, and as the mom, I hate it! And I don't know that there is any way that I can "fix" it. Oh, how my heart aches for the aches of my child. I guess all I can do is spend more time pouring my hurts out to my God, who loves both me and my daughter, and let Him "fix" it. He has the power!!